Thursday, August 2, 2012

Thursday, August 2, 2012 

Looking back over my journals, it seems I haven't written much since 2007. I did have a blog from 2005 -- 2010, but it wasn't the same.

So, for whatever reason, it hit me today (August 2, 2012), to start journaling again. A lot has changed... Actually, everything has changed since I quit writing. 

Since February 2007 (the last journal entry I can find), my son has stopped speaking to me, I left my husband, and started a life coaching practice. There's a whole lot of crap in between all that, but those are the things that stand out. The one thing that I am most thankful for is my relationship with my daughter.

-- Sweet Pea, you are so precious to me! --

The day the divorce was final, I also signed the closing papers on my house. Confident Cottage. That was in March 2011. The first of this year, I became a certified life coach and started Confident Life Coaching.

Maybe I felt I should start journaling again because things are so much better now. I feel as though I finally have the life I want.

In October I'll be 50 -- I feel as though I have my whole life ahead of me. There's things I want to do and, of course, places I want to go. And I hope to reconcile with my son.

 Anyway, I hope to write about it all.

death of a season

I had a talk with the man in the moon.
He said the winds would be changing soon.
I asked him why it must be this way
He said, "Be patient and you'll find out someday.
The seasons change and with it comes
Other changes under the sun.
Some things die and others are born.
Some are mended, some are torn.
Once there was war, now there is peace.
What was silent now can speak.
What was thrown out, now you'll keep.
What made you laugh makes you weep.
What has been killed will now heal.
The love you had is now hate you feel.
You've planted seeds and built a wall,
Now uproot the weeds and let it fall,
For the griefs you've embraced and the wounds you've held close
Now turn to dancing as your stone heart lets go."
Then the man in the moon said I must count the cost
If I am to keep searching or give it up for lost.


© PR: 02.06.02
From Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)

it's all about the -ing

Spring makes me happy. Not just the weather; the cool mornings and warm days motivate and inspire me. But mostly it's the colors. Green, I've mentioned before, is my favorite color, and in the spring it is accompanied by purple. Well, it is around here, anyway. Purple budding trees and flowers alongside new green grass. It just about makes me giddy. Unfortunately, all this glorious color, motivation, and giddiness doesn't fend off the depression.

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I've been taking note of when the darkness comes, but I've also been trying to notice what keeps it away. One thing I've found is if I keep reading I don't get so depressed. When I finish a book it's good for me to start another one fairly soon. Reading keeps me from thinking. Thinking gets me too concerned about myself and how miserable I can be sometimes. For instance, Sunday I slept most of the day. I'd get up every couple hours and eat a little, then go back to bed. That went on until 4:30 in the afternoon, when I made myself get up and stay up. I thought about starting a new book, but by that point I was too far down to concentrate. So I watched movies on the Hallmark channel until it was time for bed.

Another thing I've found that helps keep my mind off myself and out of depression is thinking about others. Actually, not just thinking about them, but doing things for them. My friend, Michelle, has been sick and I had planned to take her out for breakfast. But she had a rough night and wasn't feeling up to it. I should have called someone else right then, but I didn't and not having someone to take care of left me feeling empty.

Also, probably the most obvious, is writing. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get the crazy stuff out of my head. Someone told me recently they liked my writing because it's honest. I'm not sure what that means exactly. I mean, can someone write dishonestly? I just write down what's in my head. I write the way I talk. It's kind of like talking to someone who isn't there. (That's not at all crazy, huh?) I want to tell them my story, or whatever, and I'm not going to lie. It has everything to do with my need to be understood. I figure if I can explain myself people won't think I'm so crazy. And that makes me happy and keeps me out of bed.

forget blue mondays

First, let me say this post is probably going to be all over the place. I'm having a particularly bad day. For instance, as I was just about to leave the house this morning I spilled coffee all over me, had to completely change clothes, and was almost late for an appointment with the surgeon. (Just a follow-up and, yes, everything is fine. Also, I'm still working on the post about all that.) So forgive me if I'm not my usual "jolly" self.

For the past month or so I've been trying to take note of when I feel the darkness creeping up on me. And I discovered Thursdays are bad days for me. What's up with that? And this week I thought I was doing very well. I've been in fairly good spirits all week and then this morning it sneaked up on me.

Ok, that's not completely true. I was aware there could be a possibility of a meltdown, because it's Jeremy's birthday and ... Well, I don't want to get into that right now. But, anyway, I thought I was going to be ok with it, but not so much.

It surprised me a little, though, because my "creative juices" have really been flowing. Over the past four days I've written a few poems and started working on some ideas for about three books I want to write. Really. Three. Books. One of which I'll be writing with Brandi. (We are extremely excited about that!!)

When I woke up this morning, I was caught a little off guard when I felt those creepy crawly fingers tapping me on the shoulder. I was expecting to have the strength to tell the thing to just shut the hell up and leave me alone. But I didn't. I don't.

At this moment there is only one gleaming bit of sunshine ... I will hold on ... It is enough.

inspiration

I'm inspired to write today. About what, I'm not sure. It may merely be a distraction from the essay I need to write about how the U.S. elects a president. It may be a caffeine high from too much coffee this morning and too little food. It may even be from a late night chat I had with a friend I reconnected with on Facebook. Regardless, I want to write.

Obviously, the last several posts may have seemed to be filler (phyller?), but I can assure you they were not. The past month I haven't been able to focus and the things that have filled my mind, screaming to be released, have not made their way out in the forms of my own words. The songs, the poems, the philosophies of others have come to my rescue as I've wandered around in my own brain searching for a complete thought.

Yesterday I analyzed all I've been feeling lately, all the emotions that I've experienced on the roller coaster ride that is my life at the moment. This is what I came up with (in no particular order): anxiety, fear, betrayal, confusion, dismay, hopelessness, anger, despair, disgust, loneliness, surprise, happiness, elation, patience, excitement, satisfaction, love.

Now, thinking about all of that, there's a lump in my throat. Does that ever happen to you? You know, that tight choking feeling you get in your throat because of some strong emotion. I've felt it at other times in my life, but it started happening more frequently after Mom died. Now it's back again with a vengeance! A daily occurrence -- a sorrow that wells up in my throat to the point that I'm not sure I can breathe. But I do. Breathe. Deep. And the lump begins to melt, though not completely.

If you've been reading my blog for any time at all, you must have already seen the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the manic and the depressed states that I live in at any given moment. I almost feel obligated to apologize for it, but I won't -- this is who I am. I'd like to hope that someday I will find that middle ground, that place of peace and contentment that rests between two palm trees in a hammock on a beach. But just remember, if you come here and read some silly idiotic little post I've written, know I'm having a good day. And when there is a post which seems to be quite cryptic, say a little prayer for me, because I'm probably lost somewhere in my mind trying to find a way out.

are you kidding me?

After a couple of weeks of not blogging I start feeling guilty. I feel as though I've let my readers down (Speaking of readers, I was amazed over the past couple of weeks how many people I know who actually read my blog. That's so cool.) and I try to come up with something really good to blog about . . . Just a second . . . I forgot what I was going to write about. Crap! What was it? I just looked back up there to the title of this post and still can't remember what I was considering was such a great blog idea that I started typing and then distracted myself with my own ego.

Ok, well anyway, it's been a hectic couple of weeks: (1) Trying to plan a sort of family reunion. (2) RL's started working out of town four days a week and is only home for 3-day weekends, which he'll be spending on work around the house and yard and occasionally on the cars. (3) My mind seems to have come up missing. (That's kind of a stupid figure of speech, don't you think? "Come up missing." Wouldn't it make more sense to say "gone out missing?" When something "comes up" it's usually right there. How could it be missing?) So there's a lot that's been going on and I catch myself thinking about when things will quiet down and I can start classes again.

I think I really just might be going crazy.

BTW, this isn't really at all what I wanted to blog, but never could remember what it was. :-S

let the fun begin

After four months of nearly non-stop studying, the exam is finally over. For the few of you who have recently joined in the fun, this past Saturday I participated with some 100 others in the State Fundementals of Surveying Exam. But now that it's over I really don't want to talk about it. I'll just tell you I took the exam and am hoping I passed.

Ok, so now what? Well now I am looking forward to getting back to blogging on a regular basis. I can't tell you how much I've missed it. I've got so much catching up to do. And apparently I also have some new readers (Hi Jessica!). So I'm hoping to have more to write about and more often than just once a week.

In a couple of weeks RL and I are going on vacation. I don't think I've ever been so ready to go on vacation. Sunny beaches here we come! And it'll be another one of those no-kids-just-us vacations. WooHoo!! But, sorry, there won't be any juicy write-ups on that. Just a lot of photos. Of beaches. Sorry.

For those of you who have hung in there with me and are still reading my stuff after four boring months, thanks. To those who have wandered over to my little cyber place, welcome! (It was nice meeting you the other day, Jessica.) And if you're one of my Facebook friends reading this, you should really follow the link over to my blog 'cause it's such a nicer looking place.

just until he gets home

The ceiling fan blows overhead. It's been a long hot day. The baskets of laundry in front of me to fold are like mountains I still must scale. I walk into the kitchen to get a glass of ice water, but the dirty dishes beside the sink only make me turn and go back out the door.

I wander down the hall to the bedroom. It's the darkest coolest room in the house. As I walk through the door, I'm thankful for the darkness; makes it harder to see the clutter in the corner. The hunting bow. The unpacked luggage. The empty DVD box. The winter jackets. I think for a moment that I'll put it all away and then realize I have no idea where I'd put it.

I surrender to the bed. The cool sheets feel good against my bare legs. My mind drifts to summer days when I was a kid, stretched out on the cool grass under a shade tree. I smile a little and fall asleep.

this is so interesting

The previous post was something that had been stirring around in my brain for about a week. It was one of those things that took up so much room in my brain that I had to get it out before I could go on with anything else. Does that happen to anyone besides me? Anyway, now that I've got that out of my system, I'm trying to remember what I was originally going to write about. Yep, you guessed it, it's been so long now I don't even remember.

Occasionally I'll think of something to write about, an idea will pop into my head and I'll actually make a note of it. There's this great little feature on my phone to write a memo and I use it for everything from blog notes to grocery lists. So I have about ten different blog ideas listed there and, really, none of them is something I want to put any time into right now. For some reason, there's lots I want to write about, but I've been too lazy to organize my thoughts into a decent post.

I mean, look at me now, I'm just typing along as though I actually have something to say and, really, I'm just typing this off the top of my head. (Don't you just love figures of speech like that? I can't help but picture myself literally typing on top of my head.) But it's really just that I miss writing. You know, like when you want to call a friend for no particular reason, you just want to talk to someone. It's like that. I don't really have anything I want to write about, I just want to write. How weird is that?

So then I read Girl's latest post and thought, Eureka!! That's it! (No, I don't really say eureka, but for some reason it was the first thing that popped into my head so I went with it. Remember, there's really no plan to this; it's just happening.) What better way to write than to write about how uninteresting I am. Yes, I know, you could tell just by reading this post. But there are so many other things. And since Girl gave an open invitation, I accept.

Six Uninteresting Things About Me:

1. I push back my cuticles. When I'm really thinking hard about something, I'll sit and work each finger, pushing back the cuticle, scraping any signs of flesh from the nail bed until I work out whatever's on my mind or something happens to interfere with my train of thought.


2. I don't make the bed. Sometimes I make the bed, because sometimes I will get highly motivated to keep the bedroom clean, but it doesn't last long. I really don't understand the point of making the bed each morning, anyway, when you're just going to get back into it at night. But, that said, if the bed is unmade when I'm going to bed I have to make it before I get in. Not all the way, but I do have to get the sheets and covers all just right before I get into bed.


3. I play games with myself. For instance, when I peel an orange I will see how much of the orange I can peel off without breaking the peel. There is a trick to this, but I don't want to give away all my secrets. I will tell you though, I don't use a knife; it's all with the hands.


4. I save the lone sock. When folding laundry there is the inevitable sock that has lost its partner. But I have hope that in the next load of laundry the partner will be found, so I put the lone sock in the drawer to await the return of its partner. Sadly, months will go by and I'll reluctantly throw away the lone sock. It takes months before I can do this, because there has been the rare occasion when I threw away the lone sock only to have the partner return the next week.


5. I savor the M&Ms. Peanut M&Ms to be exact. I put one, yes, just one in my mouth and gently break off the candy shell. Then I twirl my tongue around it until all the chocolate is gone and then, and only then do I crunch into the peanut. When I've completely finshed, I pop another one into my mouth.


6. I exercise in my head. Sometimes at night, when I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I'll think about getting up early the next morning to exercise. I visualize myself doing the girly pushups, the walking lunges, the squats and count through 15 reps/3 sets each. Before I know it, I've fallen asleep. Unfortunately, all this visualizing hasn't helped me stay in shape.

Since no one actually tagged me, I don't feel too obligated to tag anyone else. But if you are so inclined, you can post some uninteresting things about yourself in the comments. And hopefully I will get over my writing laziness and have something more interesting to write about next time. Oh, and just to let you all know, I have been reading your blogs. But see, I've been so lazy about writing, I just haven't even been writing but a few comments. I'm so ashamed . . .

update

Ok, so it's been over a week since I posted anything. Last week was a blur with trying to do homework and getting things ready for the weekend with RL (which was fabulous, btw). And since I've been back, the week just flew by. Actually, I don't really remember the past two days, because I've been on cold/flu meds and have been asleep. I didn't even go to class last night to turn in my final paper. I won't be going in to work today either.

Anyway, nothing exciting to blog about. Well, except for last weekend, but I'll have to wait until I'm at 100% before I tell that story. Have a great weekend everybody!

i'm back

Thank you, first of all, to all who wished me well during my little time away. Though I don't know if I am at full recovery (because I'm a little wacky anyway, so I'm probably just normal for me), I do know that I feel much better. Part of that could be due to the fact that RL came home this week! (WaHoooooo!)

There's just been a lot of stuff going on in my head and blogging just became something else I felt I had to do. What fun is that? My Mom used to tell me I should've gone into web design, but I knew if I did it wouldn't be any fun anymore. Even if I could've possibly made all kinds of money, I knew if it became something I had to do, I probably wouldn't want to do it at all.

The stress of blogging seems silly, but finally having an audience to write to was so important; I didn't want to let anyone down. I felt I owed it to my readers to have something even remotely interesting to read. But this little break has given me the rest I needed and helped me get some perspective on this particular hobby of mine.

I'm going to make some changes. Some obvious changes and others, not so much. But the main thing is I am going to have fun with this and let it be an outlet instead of a monkey on my back.

So, how are things with you?

hibernation

For the past week or so I've been writing a lot of fluff. I didn't want to write anything, but didn't want to completely go into hibernation either. But for so long my mind has been on other things. Serious things. Things that I can't write about here, because they are much more personal and intimate thoughts than I could comfortably discuss here.

The problem is I want to talk, I want to be open, I want to put it all out there. But I can't. I can't even really talk about it with RL, because he wouldn't take me seriously. I'm one of those people who can stay on a particular subject for days and just talk it to death. So that's how I think RL feels when I try to talk to him. Like I'm beating a dead horse. But I never feel that it's settled.

So I've been trying to escape serious thought. I don't want to think anymore. I want to turn off my brain so my mind can't talk to me, confuse me, berate me. It's affected my sleep and I suspect it will be worse next week, because RL is going out of town again. My mind goes into overdrive when he goes out of town. I get a lump in my throat and tears come to my eyes, even now, just thinking about it.

So, tell me, do crazy thoughts (justified or not) scramble your brain? And how do you handle it?

imaginary friends

Did you ever have an imaginary friend when you were a child?
Reader Poll Results:

Yes: 14%
No: 78%
Still do: 7%

I never had an imaginary friend, although I did pretend a lot. I would have "practice" conversations (sometimes in front of the mirror, sometimes not) with girls that I wanted to tell off in my class or trying to get the courage to talk to some boy. When I was in my teens I turned to writing in a journal to vent, dream, plan my future. I suppose I was writing to an imaginary audience, though it would've been devastating if anyone had actually ever read any of my journals. Now I write to a not-so-imaginary audience whom I will never see, but still no imaginary friends.

And, just so you know, the subject of imaginary friends may soon be a hot topic since Gold Circle Films (Because I Said So, My Big Fat Greek Wedding) is releasing a film this year about that very thing, titled If You Could See Me Now. It's about a boy who lives with his aunt. The boy has an imaginary friend (Hugh Jackman). But the really weird thing is the aunt can see the imaginary friend and they start a romance. Well, maybe not so weird, 'cause a romance with Hugh Jackman could be a good thing (imagined or not).

Please vote in the new Reader Poll: When it comes to having fun . . .

technology contributes to shyness

This semester I'm taking a course called Human Relations. As you might have guessed, it's about how we relate to others and becoming more self-aware. In the very first chapter, the textbook discusses the problems encountered by people who suffer with and the consequences of shyness. At one point, though, there is a prediction that the "future of shyness is bleak," because of how so many people are now communicating online instead of in person. The argument is: "How can someone keep 'in touch,' when there is nothing to touch except the keyboard?" And with anonymity, there is a greater risk for shy people not to develop social skills required to overcome their shyness.

While I can understand why one might agree with this (and maybe it is true for some extrememly shy person who is a wildman only in the chat rooms) I think it is ridiculous to say "technology is ushering in a culture of shyness." The text even suggests rehearsing in one's mind how they would respond in new situations to help build self-esteem. What's the difference between that and discussing problems with someone through instant messages or writing about it on a blog?

This past year, RL and I have discovered how IM's can actually help our communication. We can chat off and on all day. Sometimes it's simple how-ya-doings, other times it's planning what-have-yous, and sometimes it's serious stuff. When it comes to the serious stuff, I think it has really helped that we weren't face-to face.

As most of you already know, I am the talker in the family. RL? Not so much. But when we talk through IM's there is so much . . . I don't know . . . structure. I mean, I have to wait my turn, I don't get put off by facial expressions or body language, and he doesn't have that confrontational feeling I know he hates. It has even made our face-to-face convesations better and more frequent. We have become (do I dare say it) more intimate in person as a result of keeping in touch online.

And even since I've been blogging, I've learned a lot about myself and other's lives. Sure there are some that are superficial and for entertainment purposes only, but even then, getting to know other people (even if I don't know their real names) has helped me with my own insecurities in making real life new friends.

What do you think? Does the internet contribute to shyness?

anonymous blogger

Do you feel blogging has helped or hindered your real life social skills?

(I'll explain the reason for this question in my next post.)

g-rated?

In my blogger travels, I've noticed some have this cool little rating banner. And being the curious kind, I clicked that how-does-your-blog-rate link below the banner. To my surprise . . . dismay . . . (I'm not sure what word would be correct) my blog received a G rating. Surely, I thought, I deserved at least a PG, but G? That's crazy. This isn't a trashy site, but definitely not all of the content is open for all ages.

Then I noticed it was because the word sex was only found once on my entire blog. Well, that is a completely ridiculous way to rate a blog, because everyone knows context rules. I mean, just because a post is about going to the convenience store or traveling from state to state, doesn't mean it's not about sex. Heck, I was just reading this morning about how Diet Mt. Dew can be about sex. Even a scavenger hunt can be about sex. But you wouldn't know that out of context.

So all I'm saying is there is a lot I've written about that I wouldn't necessarily want children to read (not that any have been here, but you never know) and so I thought it would be nice to give a little warning.

Let's see if I've added just enough sex talk to get the rating I want . . .

That's better!

get in his head

Lately, I've been reading some really interesting blogs by men and felt a little envious (ok, maybe jealous) of their wives. I mean, here are some men that actually write what's going on in their minds. Even if their blogs are a secret to their wives, these men are actively processing what's going on in their heads.

I've often wished I could get into my husband's head for just 15 minutes. What is he thinking? How does his mind work? What is he really feeling. Sure, I know, it might not be a pretty picture. It could even be a little scary. But there's so much that's unsaid. There's so much silence. There's so much I want to know that I don't want to have to ask to hear.

The other day I even mentioned to him that I thought it would be great if he wrote a blog. He said that wasn't going to happen. But it's a shame, because, really, he communicates very well in writing. He's just not a talker. He's a thinker. Which brings me back to my point: I wish I could get into his head.

the real story

I started this blog to write about whatever quirky, inquisitive, perplexing thing popped into my head (which is quite often). But it seems there has been so much personal crap going on in my life, I haven't really wanted to just lay my broken heart out for everyone to see. To be real honest, I don't know that anyone would really want to hear about all of it. That's why I've posted more pictures than actually writing anything. But I'm feeling pretty lonely and depressed right now and maybe getting it off my chest will help.

For one, my son isn't speaking to me. He hasn't answered my calls and I haven't talked to him in about two months. I hear things about what's going on in his life from my dad, but that in itself is very depressing. I mean, I don't talk to my dad that often and he doesn't call me, so I have to make myself call him to find out anything that might be going on with my son. Of course, my dad talks to my son on practically a daily basis. The biggest thing that upset me about all of this is that I missed my son's graduation (he is now a medical assistant). When my dad did talk to me about it (after the fact) he told me how they took lots of pictures and my son was awarded Most Outstanding Student and wonderful things like that. Well, of course, that just made it all the worse for me. But I am trying to remind myself that it doesn't matter if my son ever talks to me again. If he's alive and happy, then that's all that really matters.

Then there is my daughter. She's 18 now and never at home. She drives me crazy, because she has become quite the party animal. She doesn't work enough hours to pay her bills and she seems to have no real plan for her life. Sure, she talks about going to college in the Fall, but she hasn't done anything towards getting enrolled. I really don't know what she's thinking and she sure doesn't tell me. Usually all I hear from her is, "Okay, I'm outa here."

But the thing that has really been hard on me is my husband is out of town all the time. Since January he's been gone during the week and home on the weekends. The only time that was different was right before and right after we went on vacation. He's gone now and I'm sick of it. Here we are in the "empty nest" years (for the most part) and I'm sitting at home by myself. Now, granted, I don't have to do that, but I'm just not the going-out-running-around type. Sure, I have friends I could have dinner with or go see a movie. But, you know, I'm outside all day long and in the evenings I just like to stay at home and relax. I just never thought I was going to have to spend the prime of my life by myself.

I try to make the most of the weekends when my husband is home. But there's that nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me he'll be leaving Monday morning. It's gotten so bad that every time I hear an airplane fly over I hear my mind saying, "I hate planes!"
So I told myself I would get out more. I enrolled in a photography class at the community college. I bought a bunch of flowers to plant in my garden. I try to come up with anything that will keep me and my mind busy. But the reality is I'm still alone and everything I do, I do alone. And it sucks!

mobile post

I recently got a new cell phone with internet access. Now, I don't know how well it wll be to write this way, but here's trying.

In other news, Randy and I just got back from our vacation to Lake Tahoe (our very first vacation without any kids). It was fantastic!!! Later I will post some of the 200 photos I took while we were there .

when you fall off the face of the earth . . .

Actually, I just haven't had the time to even think about this blog. There are a lot of things I could have posted: the birth of Cheryl's son, my birthday, Thanksgiving at my house, school. But those are some of the very reasons I haven't posted anything in such a long time. Maybe after Christmas I can start this again. It's just about time to start thinking about those New Year's resolutions (or not). Have a Merry Christmas!!