Thursday, August 2, 2012

Thursday, August 2, 2012 

Looking back over my journals, it seems I haven't written much since 2007. I did have a blog from 2005 -- 2010, but it wasn't the same.

So, for whatever reason, it hit me today (August 2, 2012), to start journaling again. A lot has changed... Actually, everything has changed since I quit writing. 

Since February 2007 (the last journal entry I can find), my son has stopped speaking to me, I left my husband, and started a life coaching practice. There's a whole lot of crap in between all that, but those are the things that stand out. The one thing that I am most thankful for is my relationship with my daughter.

-- Sweet Pea, you are so precious to me! --

The day the divorce was final, I also signed the closing papers on my house. Confident Cottage. That was in March 2011. The first of this year, I became a certified life coach and started Confident Life Coaching.

Maybe I felt I should start journaling again because things are so much better now. I feel as though I finally have the life I want.

In October I'll be 50 -- I feel as though I have my whole life ahead of me. There's things I want to do and, of course, places I want to go. And I hope to reconcile with my son.

 Anyway, I hope to write about it all.

inspiration

I'm inspired to write today. About what, I'm not sure. It may merely be a distraction from the essay I need to write about how the U.S. elects a president. It may be a caffeine high from too much coffee this morning and too little food. It may even be from a late night chat I had with a friend I reconnected with on Facebook. Regardless, I want to write.

Obviously, the last several posts may have seemed to be filler (phyller?), but I can assure you they were not. The past month I haven't been able to focus and the things that have filled my mind, screaming to be released, have not made their way out in the forms of my own words. The songs, the poems, the philosophies of others have come to my rescue as I've wandered around in my own brain searching for a complete thought.

Yesterday I analyzed all I've been feeling lately, all the emotions that I've experienced on the roller coaster ride that is my life at the moment. This is what I came up with (in no particular order): anxiety, fear, betrayal, confusion, dismay, hopelessness, anger, despair, disgust, loneliness, surprise, happiness, elation, patience, excitement, satisfaction, love.

Now, thinking about all of that, there's a lump in my throat. Does that ever happen to you? You know, that tight choking feeling you get in your throat because of some strong emotion. I've felt it at other times in my life, but it started happening more frequently after Mom died. Now it's back again with a vengeance! A daily occurrence -- a sorrow that wells up in my throat to the point that I'm not sure I can breathe. But I do. Breathe. Deep. And the lump begins to melt, though not completely.

If you've been reading my blog for any time at all, you must have already seen the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the manic and the depressed states that I live in at any given moment. I almost feel obligated to apologize for it, but I won't -- this is who I am. I'd like to hope that someday I will find that middle ground, that place of peace and contentment that rests between two palm trees in a hammock on a beach. But just remember, if you come here and read some silly idiotic little post I've written, know I'm having a good day. And when there is a post which seems to be quite cryptic, say a little prayer for me, because I'm probably lost somewhere in my mind trying to find a way out.

concentrate

When I was a kid we would take long drives in the country or we'd pack up the Winnebago for a family vacation. Whichever it was (a Saturday on a tank of gas or a week driving cross-country) inevitably I would stare out the window and watch the pavement zoom past underneath us.

It became my own little silent game. I would concentrate on not allowing my eyes to focus on a specific spot. The asphalt and painted lines became a blur and raced beneath me in black velvet trimmed with yellow satin. It was a beautiful thing, but it would only last for a few seconds. My eyes would invariably catch a glimpse of something and I would lose my concentration and have to start over.

These days my whole life is a blur; I can't seem to focus on anything. Distracted? Probably. But not in a bad sense. Mostly the thing I need to concentrate on (homework and studying) isn't what I want to think about. I want to clear my mind of all the things I need to do and relax, enjoy, wonder, dream . . . but it only lasts a few moments; I lose my concentration and have to start over

the baby needs changing

Last month I had three dreams in a row I was going to have a baby. Since this is medically impossible, I was left to take this to mean something new was about to happen in my life.

This week I had three dreams in a row that tornadoes were coming. Well, I didn't have a clue what that was supposed to mean, so I looked it up. Turns out it could be impending change, something necessary but not in my control.

My conclusion is that something new is going to happen that will completely change my life and I will have no control over it. I am also going to conclude it will be a good thing.