the whole long drawn out story

For Valentine's Day, I had scheduled an afternoon for myself at the spa. Thirty minute massage, manicure, pedicure -- all the things that make you feel good without the guilt or weight gain. RL was out of town, so I decided there wasn't any reason to waste a perfectly good excuse to have him pay for a relaxing day at the spa -- so I made the appointment. And just because he ended up coming home 2 weeks early didn't mean I was canceling either. Good thing. While the masseuse was doing her magic, she found a lump in the middle of my back. "Do you have a cyst?" "No, I don't think ... what the crap?" The next day I called the doctor and made an appointment.

It wasn't a big lump, maybe the size of a small pecan (that's puh-con not pee-can) and I've had lumps show up here and there before. One on the side of my neck, just below my ear, was about the size of a pea and removed several years ago. I've even found lumps in my legs (I know that sounds really awful, but you can't see them -- there's too much ... um ... fatty tissue covering them) and the doctor has always asked, "Do they hurt?" "Well, only if I push down on them." "It's not cancer then. Cancer doesn't hurt." But I haven't had those (yes, plural) removed, because I've got enough hail damage and stretch marks on my legs, I don't need scars on them too. So, anyway, I wasn't too worried (at least, that's what I kept telling myself) about the new lump and when RL asked, as he was leaving for work, if he should go to the doctor with me, I assured him it was no big deal and I'd be fine.

But sitting alone in the doctor's office, waiting for what seemed an hour, but was actually only about 15 minutes, the thoughts started running through my head. The bad thoughts. The thoughts you're not supposed to think, because you'll get yourself all worked up over nothing. And then my doctor came in, checked my back, sat down in her little chair on rollers, and looked up at me. "Well, what we can do is take x-rays and find out immediately if it's cancer." She might as well have hit me in the stomach. I sucked my breath in, "Ok." Then she asked, "Does it hurt?" "No." "Hmmm . . . well, we can find out right away." Within 30 minutes or so the x-rays showed everything was clear. No large white mass indicating cancer. The next step was to make an appointment with a surgeon, let him check it out, and have the lump removed.

The waiting was the hard part. Two weeks isn't a long time, but it is when you have an overactive imagination. I kept telling myself it would be fine, there wasn't anything to worry about, the doctor assured me it was not a big deal, he performs this procedure "all the time." But I don't get cut on all the time and just the thought of being "put to sleep" scares the hell out of me.

When the day finally came, I was calm on the outside and a nervous wreck on the inside. And just as we were leaving for the hospital I reminded RL, if I died on the operating table, not to buy me an expensive casket and make sure people don't waste their money on flowers, but make a donation to a charity. I'm weird like that. But, you know, things happen and I wanted to make sure it was said.

Of course, everything went smoothly and I only had a minor breakdown just before I "went under." The surgeon and his staff were great about it, though, and I fell asleep with the feeling these complete strangers genuinely cared for me. Thirty minutes later (amazingly) I woke up and it was all over. I was still alive. I survived.

forget blue mondays

First, let me say this post is probably going to be all over the place. I'm having a particularly bad day. For instance, as I was just about to leave the house this morning I spilled coffee all over me, had to completely change clothes, and was almost late for an appointment with the surgeon. (Just a follow-up and, yes, everything is fine. Also, I'm still working on the post about all that.) So forgive me if I'm not my usual "jolly" self.

For the past month or so I've been trying to take note of when I feel the darkness creeping up on me. And I discovered Thursdays are bad days for me. What's up with that? And this week I thought I was doing very well. I've been in fairly good spirits all week and then this morning it sneaked up on me.

Ok, that's not completely true. I was aware there could be a possibility of a meltdown, because it's Jeremy's birthday and ... Well, I don't want to get into that right now. But, anyway, I thought I was going to be ok with it, but not so much.

It surprised me a little, though, because my "creative juices" have really been flowing. Over the past four days I've written a few poems and started working on some ideas for about three books I want to write. Really. Three. Books. One of which I'll be writing with Brandi. (We are extremely excited about that!!)

When I woke up this morning, I was caught a little off guard when I felt those creepy crawly fingers tapping me on the shoulder. I was expecting to have the strength to tell the thing to just shut the hell up and leave me alone. But I didn't. I don't.

At this moment there is only one gleaming bit of sunshine ... I will hold on ... It is enough.

inspiration

I'm inspired to write today. About what, I'm not sure. It may merely be a distraction from the essay I need to write about how the U.S. elects a president. It may be a caffeine high from too much coffee this morning and too little food. It may even be from a late night chat I had with a friend I reconnected with on Facebook. Regardless, I want to write.

Obviously, the last several posts may have seemed to be filler (phyller?), but I can assure you they were not. The past month I haven't been able to focus and the things that have filled my mind, screaming to be released, have not made their way out in the forms of my own words. The songs, the poems, the philosophies of others have come to my rescue as I've wandered around in my own brain searching for a complete thought.

Yesterday I analyzed all I've been feeling lately, all the emotions that I've experienced on the roller coaster ride that is my life at the moment. This is what I came up with (in no particular order): anxiety, fear, betrayal, confusion, dismay, hopelessness, anger, despair, disgust, loneliness, surprise, happiness, elation, patience, excitement, satisfaction, love.

Now, thinking about all of that, there's a lump in my throat. Does that ever happen to you? You know, that tight choking feeling you get in your throat because of some strong emotion. I've felt it at other times in my life, but it started happening more frequently after Mom died. Now it's back again with a vengeance! A daily occurrence -- a sorrow that wells up in my throat to the point that I'm not sure I can breathe. But I do. Breathe. Deep. And the lump begins to melt, though not completely.

If you've been reading my blog for any time at all, you must have already seen the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the manic and the depressed states that I live in at any given moment. I almost feel obligated to apologize for it, but I won't -- this is who I am. I'd like to hope that someday I will find that middle ground, that place of peace and contentment that rests between two palm trees in a hammock on a beach. But just remember, if you come here and read some silly idiotic little post I've written, know I'm having a good day. And when there is a post which seems to be quite cryptic, say a little prayer for me, because I'm probably lost somewhere in my mind trying to find a way out.

let the fun begin

After four months of nearly non-stop studying, the exam is finally over. For the few of you who have recently joined in the fun, this past Saturday I participated with some 100 others in the State Fundementals of Surveying Exam. But now that it's over I really don't want to talk about it. I'll just tell you I took the exam and am hoping I passed.

Ok, so now what? Well now I am looking forward to getting back to blogging on a regular basis. I can't tell you how much I've missed it. I've got so much catching up to do. And apparently I also have some new readers (Hi Jessica!). So I'm hoping to have more to write about and more often than just once a week.

In a couple of weeks RL and I are going on vacation. I don't think I've ever been so ready to go on vacation. Sunny beaches here we come! And it'll be another one of those no-kids-just-us vacations. WooHoo!! But, sorry, there won't be any juicy write-ups on that. Just a lot of photos. Of beaches. Sorry.

For those of you who have hung in there with me and are still reading my stuff after four boring months, thanks. To those who have wandered over to my little cyber place, welcome! (It was nice meeting you the other day, Jessica.) And if you're one of my Facebook friends reading this, you should really follow the link over to my blog 'cause it's such a nicer looking place.

four more weeks

I think I'll be ready!

:o)

NOTE: 500 "Amazing Blogger" points awarded to the first person to give correct answer for x in the comments.

never give up

You know when you're in a marathon and you're running along thinking, "Wow! I just might actually finish this race!" And then all of a sudden, BAM! You "hit the wall." No? I haven't run a marathon, but I have hit the wall.

Last Thursday, while I was studying (like I do anything else -- sheesh!), I came across a problem that I could not figure out. It was so extremely frustrating, because I knew it was something I should already know. But I kept reading these same two paragraphs and I might as well have been reading Chinese; it made absolutely no sense!

To make matters worse, I started crying. Really. Big drops of tears were streaming down my face right onto the pages of the book I was trying to read. I began to frantically wipe my eyes, my face, my book all the while hoping the guys wouldn't notice. Yep. I was at work. I finally composed myself and was able to talk to the two guys on my crew about my frustrations and later I talked to RL and it was unanimous: I needed a break from studying.

For the next four days I didn't crack a book. Everytime I even thought about one of the problems or the exam I would quickly dismiss it and think about something else. I was determined to give myself a break and, dang it, I deserved it!

Yesterday I started back with a little reading and a little review. This morning I was back at it with enthusiasm. Then out of nowhere, BAM! Another wall. "CRAP!!! This is driving me crazy!" And I began to wonder if all this stress is even worth it. You know, I'm not going to get a pay raise or anything like that if I pass the exam. It's not really going to make any difference one way or another. I began to question why I was even putting myself through all of this -- aside from the non-refundable $125 examination fee.

Here's the deal: If I told you all I had decided not to take the exam it really wouldn't be that big of a deal to you, but it would be completely humiliating to me. But if I take the exam and fail, well at least I can say I tried. Because, let's face it, if I don't pass there is no way I'm going to put myself through all of this for another 6 months and take the exam over. I know myself too well. When it's over, it's over.

When you train for your first marathon they tell you not to worry about you time, just finish. So that's what I'm doing. At this point I'm not too concerned whether I pass or fail, I just want to make it to the finish line.

this is a test; it is only a test

A little over a year ago I wrote about possibly taking the Fundementals of Survey exam. I intended on taking it last Spring, but that didn't work out (I was 3 credit hours short of the requirement). So last month I sent in my application and now I'm waiting to find out if I've been accepted to sit for the exam in April. Tomorrow I start a course that will prepare me for the exam.

To say I'm a little stressed about the whole thing is putting it mildly. I try not to worry about it, but I know it's going to take a lot of work, a lot of studying, a lot of my brain. The studying I enjoy. (I know, I'm weird like that!) But the exam? Well, I have a tendency to freeze during tests and the fact that this will be an 8-hour exam scares the shtuffin' out of me!

So I will study. I will work hard. I will do my best. I will do all those things that you tell yourself you will do in order to pass a test. And then . . . and then my brain will explode! Won't that be pretty?!

humor for the pain

Note: I pulled this from the archives. Thanksgiving is a really difficult time for me and rather than post a completely new rendition of the same old thing, I decided to cheat. And just so you know, I'm taking this book with me to work so I can have a few laughs before the big day.

Have you ever been told some news that was so shocking, it felt as though someone knocked you upside the head with a skillet? That's how my life has been for several years now. Seems like every time I turn around there's another person standing in front of me with a skillet in their hands. It's enough to make a person hide under the bed and never answer the door.

The news -- your son is gay, your mom has cancer, your child tried to kill themself, and "Mom, I'm dropping out of school," -- is devasting and inconceivable. Daily life became surreal as I would make the bed, feed the dog, buy the groceries. My body was on autopilot. The scars can't be seen by others, but the ringing in my ears gets so loud others must be able to hear it!

But in the midst of it all there are small blessings of laughter. My dear friend gave me a book titled I'm So Glad You Told Me What I Didn't Wanna Hear, by Barbara Johnson. It is full of little morsels that melt the lump in my throat. I read it a couple of years ago and, now that my son has moved back home (Edit: He moved out almost two years ago and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I call him once a week and leave a message on his voice mail just to tell him I love him.), I am reading it again.

Here are some of my favorites:

~I need some of my problems to help take my mind off some of the others.

~Blessed are they who clip coupons, for they shall be redeemed.

~Sometimes my mind is so uncomfortable, I wish I could go somewhere and take it off.

~It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

~We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.

~Remember, every cloud has a silver lining . . . and sometimes a bolt of lightning.

~Time wounds all heels.

~The more you complain, the longer God lets you live

~One way to handle stress: Lie on your back to eat celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.

~Just when I nearly had the answer, I forgot the question.

~If you have the same problems I have . . . please seek help immediately!

~Most people have minds like concrete: mixed up or permanently set.

~Break out dancing every now and then . . . it'll help pass the time until they come to take you away.

~Do NOT come in out of the rain.

Hope these have brought a little laughter to your day.

stress relief

You want to know a great stress reliever? No, I'm not talking about that! Is that all you people think about? No, I'm talking about blogging. Yes, blogging is a great stress reliever, because it works pretty much like other stress relievers . . . That's right, it relieves stress. But it doesn't have all the nasty side effects.

Think about it. If I wanted to relieve stress by, say, getting drunk, then I would waste a lot of time and money. I would probably start drinking way too much, way too often, and I would probably become an alcoholic and lose my job and family and it goes on and on.

If I relieved stress by doing drugs, then pretty much the same thing would happen as drinking, except that on top of all that, I would become paranoid also. Which really wouldn't relieve any stress at all and I would have to do more drugs to get over being stressed from being paranoid and that would just make me crazy.

I could always go shopping. Well, except that I hate shopping. Ok, I don't hate all shopping all the time. But I don't go shopping for the sheer enjoyment of it very often. And if I did, then I would spend too much money and RL would start griping about how much I spend and we'd start fighting all the time and then end up not talking to each other and never have sex and there's enough of the not having sex going on already, thank you very much.

So see, blogging is a lot better at relieving stress than all those other things. It doesn't cost any money. (Well, except for the internet service.) And it doesn't take up any time from the family. (Well, ok, it does take up some time and maybe some families suffer from it.)

But blogging doesn't come in "one size fits all" and I don't have to stand in line and it's not addictive . . . Ok, but I don't have to stand in line . . . Ok well, after my daughter is done on MySpace.

Ok, well, anyway I'm blogging. OK? And I'm not stressed anymore. Alright?? Dang!!!

Just so you know, RL just sent me a message letting me know that his company is flying me out this weekend for his birthday booty call. I think I'll be much better by this time next week. Thanks for understanding.

desserts*

Here's a little post to let everyone know I've snapped out of it. It amazes me how I manage to get through the bouts I have with grief and depression. This week's episode was conquered (to a certain extent) by learning how to use a new software program my husband bought me for Christmas. It seems the more challenging, tedious, and time-consuming a task is, the more it releases just the right amount of chemicals in my brain to bring relief.

The software? Oh, it is Adobe Photoshop Elements 6 and I have been having a blast going through and editing our vacation pictures. Here are a couple of samples:

Ok, so before I start sounding too geeky and going on and on about how much fun I've been having, spending hours on the computer editing photos and creating hundreds (not an exaggeration) of layouts, I have to go pick up my prints.

*The mirror image of stressed.

here in the states

I like traveling. I like the planning, the packing, the mapping. All of it. And the best thing about it is sharing the experience with others. The pictures . . . Ok, sorry I don't actually have any pictures of my recent travels. Buying souvenirs for family and friends. Oh well sorry, no actual souvenirs either. So you, lucky people, get to read about the states I've visited lately.

Every once in a while, on my many journeys, I drive through the lovely and always fascinating state of Confusion. Ok, really it's more like I accidently end up there. I'll be on my way to Happiness or Contentment and somehow I'll take a wrong turn and end up in Confusion. And I hate it there! No one knows their way around and you can't get directions. By the time you finally figure out how to get out of Confusion you wind up smack in the middle of downtown Frustration!

Near the middle of each month I take a little trip through the State of Depression. It's usually a short trip, but its a long drive getting back home. I've been there so many times the past few years it's fairly easy for me to find my way around. Some people live there, but they're kind of hard to talk to.

Sometimes I take unplanned trips to Depression. I mean, it's like one day I'm home and then I wake up and I'm in Depression. I think, "How did I get here?" And I sit and wonder and think and think how the heck I got there. But I can't ever figure it out and so before I get home from Depression I have to take the long drive through Confusion.

The other day I took a fun little trip through Pleasure. My husband was able to go with me this time. Usually he's working out of town and we wait to go on the weekend or sometimes I have to go to Pleasure by myself. But anyway, the other day we took a five day tour through Pleasure. It was great! What I like most about going there is there's always something to do. Every second is filled with all kinds of adventure. And even if you're not feeling very adventurous, there's lots of opportunities to just sit back and relax. During part of the trip it got kind of hot, but we didn't mind. It was a little sad, though, when the trip was over. But I'm already planning our next trip back.

So where have you been lately?

giving it up

Sitting outside in the dark, looking up at the stars I wondered when this foreboding would end. For weeks, months really, I have been stewing over a situation at home. Mulling it over. Trying to figure it out. All while I knew there really wasn't anything I could do about it. It was just eating at me. Then, it finally occurred to me to pray about it; to really pray about it.

I don't understand why I wait so long to take things that concern me the most to God and let Him help me sort them out. I don't understand why it always takes me so long to come to my senses. I don't know why I want to hang on to the sadness, worry, grief, anxiety, fear for so long like a small child clutching her security blanket before I relinquish my hold on it and surrender it to Him. Because as soon as I do, as soon as I allow Him access to those areas of my life, I am suddenly set free from those very things. Almost literally a weight is lifted off me and I can see clearly now the rain is gone. (Sorry, that just slipped out, though there are probably few that read this blog that have ever even heard that song. *AHEM!* Now get serious. This is a serious post.)

So late last night every time I felt those thoughts moving in, every time I felt those worries and fears rising up in me I reminded myself I had given those things to God. I had laid those things at the foot of the cross and I didn't have to think about them anymore, because God was taking care of them. He knows all about it and can handle it a lot better than I could ever think or imagine. Besides, there isn't anything I could do about them anyway, that's the whole point of surrendering them to God.

Today is the first time in months I have felt so at peace with my life. And I wonder, again, why does it take me so long to give it to God?

never bored

I've been out of it the past week. It's been so dang hot! Work has been miserable and by the time I get home I really don't feel like doing much of anything. It feels so good to get in the air conditioning I don't want to move.

But life goes on and I have to at least cook dinner. Then I've done that much, I might as well clean up the kitchen a little. Oh and I needed to . . . Every time I turn around there' something else that needs to be done.

That's ok, though. I start another class (AutoCad 2) in a couple of weeks and I'd like to get caught up as much as I can before classes start.

I could just kick myself for not getting our bedroom painted this summer. There's just so much that needs to be done before I can even start painting, though, and that's the real problem.

Sometimes I envy those people who have tv shows come to their homes and completely clean and renovate the whole house in just a couple of days. I wish they'd do my house.

No, actually I think it's best I do it myself. Otherwise I might die from boredom.

when it rains . . .

I don't know that I've talked very much about my job, but today was one of those days that just makes you want to slap someone.

Occasionally, I have to work in the street. It's not that I want to be in the street, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. The thing that makes it bad is when drivers think I'm some kind of wacko for being in the street and get mad.

Today I was standing on the yellow line, doing my job and my party chief was directing traffic. Now, it's not like he was making them take a huge detour or anything, he was just making sure they slowed down a bit before going by me. But this one woman in a white minivan comes to a complete stop, rolls down her window, and yells, "What?!"

My boss just waves her on, trying to keep from holding up traffic (which was pretty heavy). But she just sat there and stared at us. Then finally she went on by, but you could tell by the look on her face she was very upset that she had to slow down and turn the wheel a half an inch.

Just let me say that if you happen to be driving by someone who is working in the street, give 'em a break. They're out there in the blistering heat just trying to do their job.

the real story

I started this blog to write about whatever quirky, inquisitive, perplexing thing popped into my head (which is quite often). But it seems there has been so much personal crap going on in my life, I haven't really wanted to just lay my broken heart out for everyone to see. To be real honest, I don't know that anyone would really want to hear about all of it. That's why I've posted more pictures than actually writing anything. But I'm feeling pretty lonely and depressed right now and maybe getting it off my chest will help.

For one, my son isn't speaking to me. He hasn't answered my calls and I haven't talked to him in about two months. I hear things about what's going on in his life from my dad, but that in itself is very depressing. I mean, I don't talk to my dad that often and he doesn't call me, so I have to make myself call him to find out anything that might be going on with my son. Of course, my dad talks to my son on practically a daily basis. The biggest thing that upset me about all of this is that I missed my son's graduation (he is now a medical assistant). When my dad did talk to me about it (after the fact) he told me how they took lots of pictures and my son was awarded Most Outstanding Student and wonderful things like that. Well, of course, that just made it all the worse for me. But I am trying to remind myself that it doesn't matter if my son ever talks to me again. If he's alive and happy, then that's all that really matters.

Then there is my daughter. She's 18 now and never at home. She drives me crazy, because she has become quite the party animal. She doesn't work enough hours to pay her bills and she seems to have no real plan for her life. Sure, she talks about going to college in the Fall, but she hasn't done anything towards getting enrolled. I really don't know what she's thinking and she sure doesn't tell me. Usually all I hear from her is, "Okay, I'm outa here."

But the thing that has really been hard on me is my husband is out of town all the time. Since January he's been gone during the week and home on the weekends. The only time that was different was right before and right after we went on vacation. He's gone now and I'm sick of it. Here we are in the "empty nest" years (for the most part) and I'm sitting at home by myself. Now, granted, I don't have to do that, but I'm just not the going-out-running-around type. Sure, I have friends I could have dinner with or go see a movie. But, you know, I'm outside all day long and in the evenings I just like to stay at home and relax. I just never thought I was going to have to spend the prime of my life by myself.

I try to make the most of the weekends when my husband is home. But there's that nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me he'll be leaving Monday morning. It's gotten so bad that every time I hear an airplane fly over I hear my mind saying, "I hate planes!"
So I told myself I would get out more. I enrolled in a photography class at the community college. I bought a bunch of flowers to plant in my garden. I try to come up with anything that will keep me and my mind busy. But the reality is I'm still alone and everything I do, I do alone. And it sucks!

brandi and jesse

Jesse leaves for college this week. It's not going to be fun around my house for a while.

when you fall off the face of the earth . . .

Actually, I just haven't had the time to even think about this blog. There are a lot of things I could have posted: the birth of Cheryl's son, my birthday, Thanksgiving at my house, school. But those are some of the very reasons I haven't posted anything in such a long time. Maybe after Christmas I can start this again. It's just about time to start thinking about those New Year's resolutions (or not). Have a Merry Christmas!!

in the moment

Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but it seems that time is going by so much faster now. I mean, even the weeks fly passed me as I realize, "Dang! It's already Thursday!" And I guess that's one reason why I'm practicing staying in the moment.

So much time is wasted (has been wasted) in my life thinking about how much better things will be when . . . . I've wasted time wondering, like most people probably have, what would life have been like if . . . . But within the past few years I've learned that right now is what matters most. Right now is all we have. We can't change the past and we can only contemplate the future. The present is fleeting, but we have the ability to cherish or squander it, surrender or control it, enjoy or endure it.

In the moment is the only time we have the opportunity to choose how our life will be. We can choose to be happy, sad, mad, jealous, joyful or whatever each moment of each day. And how much more enjoyable would life be if when we're in a bad mood we could just let it go and choose to be happy. Life is way too short to waste our time on this earth being mad.

Like I said, I'm practicing living in the moment -- I'm not very good at it, but I'm getting better. And today I came across this:

When I was young, the future was where all the good stuff was kept, the party clothes, the pretty china, the family silver, the gown-up jobs. The future was a land of its own, and we couldn't wait to get there. Not that youth wasn't great, but it came with disadvantages; I remember the feeling I was missing something really good that was going on somewhere else, somewhere I wasn't. I remember feeling life passing me by. I remember impatience. I don't feel that way now. If something interesting is going on somewhere else, good, thank God, I hope nobody calls me. Sometimes it's all I can do to brush my teeth -- toothpaste is just too stimulating.
The future was also the place where the bad stuff waited in ambush . . . . Now I know I can control my tongue, my temper, and my appetites, but that's it. I have no effect on weather, traffic, or luck. I can't make good things happen. I can't influence the future, and I can't fix the past. What a relief.

Excerpted from A Three Dog Life: A Memoir, by Abigail Thomas

Copyright © 2006 by Abigail Thomas

To be published by Harcourt, Inc. Due out September 5

When I read this I thought, "Yeah, that's what I've been thinking." Living in the moment, enjoying and savoring every second of every day is what makes life worth living. I want to get the most out of every bit of it!

holding back

My morning runs have gotten a little better, a little easier. This morning, for instance, I found myself wanting to run faster, but I knew I needed to conserve my energy. I kept telling myself, "No, just relax. Hold back. Wait." I'd give myself another half mile before picking up the pace.

Now, I'm not a fast runner by any standard and my top speed is probably what most people use as a warm up. But at certain points during my runs I find my groove; that moment when my form is at its best, my breathing is steady and controlled. I can feel every part of my body moving just as it should. It's at that very moment I feel as though I can do anyting. I want to go faster and longer. And just when I think I've got myself convinced, a bead of sweat rolls down into my eye and I have to reach up and wipe it away.

Just this small adjustment causes me to get a little off balance. I have to correct my stride, careful not to fall off the treadmill. And then I realize I've lost that feeling of control. My breathing is faster. My legs feel heavy and my shoulders are tense. I relax. Concentrating, first, on my breathing, then shoulders, hips, legs, feet. Aligning myself, trying to get back into that goove. Feeling my way to that comfort zone.

My mind wonders and I begin to consider how running compares to my life. How I always want to be doing more, but know I can't do it all at once. I want to teach at church, but with school and work I can't devote the time required to teach a class. I have to wait. Hold back. The time will come.

There are days when I feel on top of everything. Things are going well and the future is looking brighter. Then something will happen. The kids are fighting, my husband gets called out of town, or someone says just the thing that ticks me off and I lose my balance, lose control, get out of my comfort zone.

"God, why can't life just go along at a smooth and easy pace? Why do things always happen to throw us off balance?" Well, if it was always easy, you'd never grow or build your strength for those hills up the road.

I look down at the display on the treadmill. Another half-mile. My breathing is steady, shoulders relaxed, stride is smooth. I reach up and hit the button to increase my speed.

quiet

Did you hear that?

Absolutely nothing.

Quiet.

Calm.

Storm must be brewing.

Don't be so negative.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Relax.
Do something for yourself.
Write.

It's too quiet.