Thursday, August 2, 2012

Thursday, August 2, 2012 

Looking back over my journals, it seems I haven't written much since 2007. I did have a blog from 2005 -- 2010, but it wasn't the same.

So, for whatever reason, it hit me today (August 2, 2012), to start journaling again. A lot has changed... Actually, everything has changed since I quit writing. 

Since February 2007 (the last journal entry I can find), my son has stopped speaking to me, I left my husband, and started a life coaching practice. There's a whole lot of crap in between all that, but those are the things that stand out. The one thing that I am most thankful for is my relationship with my daughter.

-- Sweet Pea, you are so precious to me! --

The day the divorce was final, I also signed the closing papers on my house. Confident Cottage. That was in March 2011. The first of this year, I became a certified life coach and started Confident Life Coaching.

Maybe I felt I should start journaling again because things are so much better now. I feel as though I finally have the life I want.

In October I'll be 50 -- I feel as though I have my whole life ahead of me. There's things I want to do and, of course, places I want to go. And I hope to reconcile with my son.

 Anyway, I hope to write about it all.

just a little rant

Yes, I'm giving advanced warning: This is a rant. But a rant with a happy ending. Well, maybe not happy, but at least there is a conclusion. I try hard not to rant through this medium, because this is a semi-anonymous blog and my friends and family read this. Even RL reads this from time to time. So I try to remain accountable for what I say -- you know, protect the innocent and all that. And now you've had fair warning and sufficient time to click over to some other blog to read a light-hearted account of ... whatever.

Some of you know I had surgery this week. A small procedure. Not a big deal. (I'm working on a post about that, by the way.) And though I am feeling great and only cringe slightly when I make sudden movements, the recovery process has been less than wonderful. There are certain things I expected during this recovery period that didn't happen and I feel let down. To be specific, I expected my family to do things for me that just didn't happen.

The surgery was Tuesday afternoon, so in the getting-my-house-in-order phase I did what I could to prepare for the days I wouldn't be capable of doing much of anything. Honestly, there were a lot more things I could've done, but just getting the laundry caught up and the dishes washed made me feel as though I were on top of things around here.

But here it is Friday, and as I walked into the kitchen this morning there was a foul (probably fowl) smell coming from the overflowing kitchen trash. Seriously! Why hasn't anyone taken it out? What are they waiting for? And as I went about making the morning coffee, stacking dishes and clearing a space for the coffee pot, I realized dirty dishes had been piling up since Tuesday morning.

I got mad. Infuriated. What are these people thinking?! If they had just had surgery or were sick or whatever and couldn't do things they normally do, I would pick up the slack. I would do whatever was necessary to make them feel comfortable and make sure they felt I was taking care of them. I would make sure they knew they didn't have to do anything and the only thing they had to be concerned with was feeling better.

Moments later, feeling all good about myself and how wonderful I would be as their care-giver, I realized I had fallen into an old habit: expecting people to be someone other than themselves. See, the more I thought about what I would do the more infuriated I became that they aren't like me. Not that I'm better than them, but that's what I was thinking. But I'm not better; I'm just different. I look at things differently. I do things differently. I behave differently. I am me and they are them (or something like that). And when I expect people to be themselves I won't be disappointed.

So now I'm going to clean the kitchen and take out the trash and feel good about having the ability and energy to accomplish something today . . . because that's how I am. :)

i believe

Over the past few months I've thought a lot about my life, what I've learned, and where I'm headed. I've wanted to write about it, but for some reason I just couldn't find the words to express all I have been feeling. Then I found the following post on a friends' page (Thanks Betsy!).

I Believe...
That just because two people argue
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue
doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it's taken me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had,
and what you've learned from them,
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe.....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything --
they just make the most of everything they have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can't be content with what you have received,
be thankful for what you have escaped.
-- Author Unknown

now I remember . . .

Ok, I didn't *just* remember, but I do finally have some time to talk about what I wanted to talk about last time when I kind of got sidetracked and went on and on about nothing. (Ha! That was a mouthful!!)

So, have you seen the latest kiddy movie "UP?" It is so fantastic and not at all just a kiddy movie and -- this is the best part -- there are no *politics* in the whole movie. Really. I'm not kidding. It was fantastic and, if you haven't already, you need to go see it.

Although, I will say that if you don't really care for good wholesome movies that have a moral to the story AND you are not particularly in the mood for having *anything* to do with loving relationships, then I would not recommend this movie. You would probably be better off going to see something with a lot of yelling and guns and blood.

Ok, now that I've got it set up for you, here's what I *really* wanted to talk about: We were sitting in the theartre (RL, my daughter, and I), watching this kid's movie on a Sunday afternoon, and there was a younger couple sitting in front of us. Not *very* young. Probably in their late twenties, early thirties. Within the first FIFTEEN minutes, these two were all over each other. At one point, the guy had his head in her lap and her skirt was pulled up!!

Now, I'm all for some hot steamy lovin, but c'mon! At the kids movie? In the middle of the theatre? At least go sit on the back row. At least pick a movie where there's not going to be kids *everywhere* around you. That's just too perverted!!

for brandi

My baby girl has moved out into the wild world.

more on that

I received an interesting comment from Therese on the previous post. Actually, I think all the comments I ever receive are interesting, but she posed a good question: What does that mean, practically speaking, to you?

Well, the first thing that came to mind was the other night when I took my daughter and her boyfriend out to dinner at Applebee's. We were sitting at a table and, with one of the chairs empty, I decided I'd just make myself comfortable and put my feet up in the chair. I didn't worry about what someone might think and it wasn't like I had my feet on the table. C'mon, I do have some manners. We were there to relax, enjoy the food and each other's company. And that's what we did. We didn't worry about how loud we laughed. What was important was that we were laughing together! I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in the way we think everything should be in life that we lose the ability to enjoy it.

I remember one time when I visited my Grandmother after she moved into assisted living. She opened the door to her apartment wearing a robe and not much of anything else. She came out halfway through the door to let me in, but I protested because there were people in the hall who would see her. She pushed me aside, came out in the hallway, and did a little shimmy as she said, "Well, maybe I'll just show 'em what I've got."

She was about 85 years old and this was the most hysterical thing I'd ever seen her do!! This was a woman who had always before been so prim and proper, everyhing in it's place and a place for everything. It was absolutely fabulous to see her do something so goofy.

Anyway, I think it's about living life to it's fullest, enjoying every moment, and not taking everything (least of all yourself) too seriously.

wife/mom

There's a line women must walk. Actually, maybe not all women. Maybe it's just married women with children. The line between treating their children as children and their husbands as . . . well, not as a child. It's a very difficult line not to cross and probably nonexistent to some, but it has been revealed to me several times over my 20-year marriage.

When I was in my twenties and thirties, for some reason, I had this idea that everything just had to be a certain way. The house had to look a certain way, it must be cleaned a certain way, and everyone had to do everything a certain way or it wasn't right. Thinking about it now, no wonder I was so stressed and acted like such a . . . well, never mind about that. But I definitely understand why I was always exhausted.

Anyway, so when the kids would clean their rooms I would always go in and check to make sure it was done "right." You know how kids are. They'll throw everything in the closet or under the bed and tell you they've finished cleaning their room. I know I did that. So I made sure they knew I wasn't going to let them get away with it. And that's ok, if it's your kids. But when your husband is helping you with the housework the rules are completely different. As a matter of fact, if your husband is helping you at all with housework he deserves mass quantities of wild sex -- from you, his wife, of course!

But if he, for instance, is helping with the laundry and asks, "Uh, honey, how do you fold these sheets?" You say, "Anyway you want!" Because, let's face it, does it really matter, in the big picture, how the sheets are folded? No! Really, it doesn't.

This past weekened I had the opportunity to pass this knowledge on to my daughter. Earlier, I was in the kitchen washing dishes and thinking about all the other work I still needed to do and kind of getting a little upset, because RL was in the front room watching tv. Then a few minutes later, I realized, yes he was watching tv, but he was also folding laundry! OMG!! I thought I saw a glow of light around his head. I heard a choir singing and harps playing. Then I turned back to the dishes hoping that it wasn't all a dream.

Later, my daughter got home from work and sat down in the front room to watch tv. She noticed the stacks of her clothes that had been folded and asked why her clothes had been folded wrong-side out. Well, I have to tell you, my head nearly spun around like I was Linda Blair! I told her, basically, that you don't complain how someone folds laundry when they usually never fold laundry. It's enough that they even tried. Be thankful it was done at all, especially when she can do it herself!

So ladies remember, children are children and need instruction and discipline. You're not your husband's mother and that's a good thing, because that's just gross when you think about it. In conclusion, husbands can fold laundry any way they want (if they want) and children can fold their own!

disclosure = intimacy

I should have warned you all in the last post that it seems this course I'm taking in human relations is going to give me lots of ideas for writing. But hopefully they'll be interesting enough to draw some good discussions like we just had.

_______________________________________________

The text we're using for Human Relations is Becoming Aware (Kendall/Hunt Publishing). It talks about the evolution of relationships and how it is crucial to reveal the "real you" to people. We do this by being willing to disclose our "innermost thoughts, feelings, and actions to those with whom we desire to have a close relationship." The text goes on:

The evolution of a relationship, getting acquainted, becoming friends, and developing intimacy is based on how much you are willing to disclose about yourself and how much the other person is willing to disclose about themselves to you. The more you know about another person and the more he or she knows about you, the more effective and efficient the relationship will be

And there's that pesky little word that keeps popping up around the neighborhood. The ever elusive intimacy. The text makes it sound so easy. You meet someone, get to know each other, start talking about your feelings, and *poof* intimacy. The key phrase in that excerpt, though, is how much the other person is willing to disclose about themselves to you. That seems to be a lot of the problem: how do we get others to open up?

To me, it's a matter of understanding that self-disclosure is a choice and it is not dependent upon the other person's disclosure. Sharing my thoughts, feelings, etc. is about letting the other person know the real me and making them feel safe to, if they choose, let me know them.

For example, there was a time when my daughter was in an "I hate you" phase. I would tell her I loved her, but she wouldn't say it to me. Then the question came to mind, "What is your intention in telling her you love her? Do you just say it so she'll say it back?" Well, of course not! The intention was that I want her to know I love her. So I told her. And told her. And told her. And one day she said, "I love you too, Mom." OMG! I just about fainted. "Prepare the fatted calf!"

But what happened? Why the change? The text explains it this way: An individual is not likely to engage in much self-disclosure if the situation involves too much personal threat. For her to allow herself to disclose her feelings to me threatened her need to be detached from me for a while. My continuing to express my feelings to her (regardless of her response) communicated to her in a way that, eventually, made it safe for her to express those feelings to me.

The truth is there is a risk to self-disclosure. With my daughter, I could have decided that if she wasn't going to tell me she loved me, I wasn't going to tell her. But that would have only made the tension between us greater. There was a risk of me getting hurt by not hearing her tell me she loved me, but the advantage of self-disclosure is that "disclosure leads to trust and tust leads to more disclosure, and, thus, the relationship will grow and develop into a mature and long-lasting, loving interaction."

We can't force the intimacy aspect of the relationship. It has to come after the trust is built that tells the other person it's safe to let us in. And this could happen quickly, over time (even years) or even require us to start over in building their trust. But, I think, if we will take the risk, set aside our self-doubt, and examine our real intentions of our self-disclosure, we will be able to acquire the intimate relationships we desire.

in the dark

The ice storm hit Sunday afternoon and by that evening our electicity was out, along with about 20,000 other homes. By Monday the reports were coming in that 200,000 here in town were without electricity and the last report I read said their was a total of 600,000 homes without power statewide.

The news reports indicated this was the worst we've had in Oklahoma, as far as power outage. I know I've never experienced anything like it. We've had power out for a few hours, but never over night and definitely not three days in a row. Some of it was due to problems with transformers, but the main problem was tree limbs falling on the power lines from the weight of the ice.

Some were fortunate and at least had gas to heat their homes. But our house is total electric, so we were left with only the fireplace to keep us warm. (Luckily, RL had just got wood last Saturday.) No electric and no hot water. We used the wood burning stove to cook our meals (the few we ate at home) and to heat water for our baths.

When we couldn't take sitting in the house any longer, and because we needed electricity to charge the cell phones and the laptop, we went to the mall, restaurants, and coffee shops. Yesterday we spent 30 minutes to an hour driving around looking for a place (1) with electricity, (2) that wasn't so crowded there was no where to sit, and (3) had outlets near the tables so we could plug in. It sounds crazy, but it seems everyone was doing the same.

Our electricity finally came back on yesterday afternoon and I couldn't have been happier! We would've been ok a few more days if we had to, but I'm sure glad we didn't.

target practice

RL hasn't been able to go hunting this year, because he's been working so much. But Saturday he got in a little target practice.
My daughter thought it would be a good photo op, though she didn't actually shoot the gun. She just wanted a cool pic to post on her My Space.

morning person

As far back as I can remember I've been an early riser. I like getting up before the sun, before the noise of the day, before anyone else is awake.

The house is quiet except for the sound of my dog excitedly panting as she greets me. I enter the kitchen and start the coffee. And then I realize why I like getting up before anyone else: control.

When I'm the first one up in the morning I get the first cup of coffee. I get the first of the hot water for my shower. I don't even have to talk to anyone, because they're all still asleep. Hopefully.

There are times when someone (Lord, help 'em) wakes up when I do. And for their sake, I try to stay away from them so they won't be subjected to my disdain for intruding on my time of serenity. I can't even imagine how they survived before I became older and wiser, recognizing the necessity to shield them from the onslaught of my wrath.

So, I've said all this for a reason, because there are a few people that read this who are single and some married folks who might gain some insight into their spouse. I just want to tell you, when you meet Mr/Miss Right or your significant other tells you they're a morning person: BEWARE!

christmas

florida vacation

This was our second vacation in Florida and it was even better than the first. We were at Panama City Beach -- the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen. Not that I've seen that many, but the white sand and emerald waters is breathtaking.

We did a little snorkeling, saw some dolphin in the Gulf, and spent two afternoons on the beaches of St. Andrew's State Park.

memories

A day to remember . . .

hospitality

A year ago I started attending a different church. I was determined not to be the same introverted person. I would "get out of myself" and be friendly and be real. I would let others know me so that I may know them. And, I think, I've done well and have made many new friends. Then today I was convicted after reading about how the Church is to be hospitable. Yes, I've been hospitable with others by letting them into my life. But how hospitable have I been by inviting them into my home? So what if my house isn't immaculate and perfect -- neither am I! And isn't that as real as it gets?!

When I was growing up I remember always frantically helping my Mom clean house, because someone was coming over. (We didn't have people over very often.) I guess I equated cleaning with having people over. I hated cleaning, so . . . Not that I really hate having people come to the house. It just always stresses me out. I can't seem to relax and enjoy the visit, because I'm always thinking of what I should have done before they got there. Of course, guests that show up unannounced completely devestate me. I'm overwhelmed with embarrassment.

I have been able to overcome my fears of what others think of me, but only to a certain extent. I've even overcome judging others actions as reflections of how they feel about me. But I am still struggling with what I fear they may think of me if they saw my unswept floors, dirty dishes, and loads of laundry (clean, but not put away).