it's all about the -ing

Spring makes me happy. Not just the weather; the cool mornings and warm days motivate and inspire me. But mostly it's the colors. Green, I've mentioned before, is my favorite color, and in the spring it is accompanied by purple. Well, it is around here, anyway. Purple budding trees and flowers alongside new green grass. It just about makes me giddy. Unfortunately, all this glorious color, motivation, and giddiness doesn't fend off the depression.

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I've been taking note of when the darkness comes, but I've also been trying to notice what keeps it away. One thing I've found is if I keep reading I don't get so depressed. When I finish a book it's good for me to start another one fairly soon. Reading keeps me from thinking. Thinking gets me too concerned about myself and how miserable I can be sometimes. For instance, Sunday I slept most of the day. I'd get up every couple hours and eat a little, then go back to bed. That went on until 4:30 in the afternoon, when I made myself get up and stay up. I thought about starting a new book, but by that point I was too far down to concentrate. So I watched movies on the Hallmark channel until it was time for bed.

Another thing I've found that helps keep my mind off myself and out of depression is thinking about others. Actually, not just thinking about them, but doing things for them. My friend, Michelle, has been sick and I had planned to take her out for breakfast. But she had a rough night and wasn't feeling up to it. I should have called someone else right then, but I didn't and not having someone to take care of left me feeling empty.

Also, probably the most obvious, is writing. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get the crazy stuff out of my head. Someone told me recently they liked my writing because it's honest. I'm not sure what that means exactly. I mean, can someone write dishonestly? I just write down what's in my head. I write the way I talk. It's kind of like talking to someone who isn't there. (That's not at all crazy, huh?) I want to tell them my story, or whatever, and I'm not going to lie. It has everything to do with my need to be understood. I figure if I can explain myself people won't think I'm so crazy. And that makes me happy and keeps me out of bed.

just a little rant

Yes, I'm giving advanced warning: This is a rant. But a rant with a happy ending. Well, maybe not happy, but at least there is a conclusion. I try hard not to rant through this medium, because this is a semi-anonymous blog and my friends and family read this. Even RL reads this from time to time. So I try to remain accountable for what I say -- you know, protect the innocent and all that. And now you've had fair warning and sufficient time to click over to some other blog to read a light-hearted account of ... whatever.

Some of you know I had surgery this week. A small procedure. Not a big deal. (I'm working on a post about that, by the way.) And though I am feeling great and only cringe slightly when I make sudden movements, the recovery process has been less than wonderful. There are certain things I expected during this recovery period that didn't happen and I feel let down. To be specific, I expected my family to do things for me that just didn't happen.

The surgery was Tuesday afternoon, so in the getting-my-house-in-order phase I did what I could to prepare for the days I wouldn't be capable of doing much of anything. Honestly, there were a lot more things I could've done, but just getting the laundry caught up and the dishes washed made me feel as though I were on top of things around here.

But here it is Friday, and as I walked into the kitchen this morning there was a foul (probably fowl) smell coming from the overflowing kitchen trash. Seriously! Why hasn't anyone taken it out? What are they waiting for? And as I went about making the morning coffee, stacking dishes and clearing a space for the coffee pot, I realized dirty dishes had been piling up since Tuesday morning.

I got mad. Infuriated. What are these people thinking?! If they had just had surgery or were sick or whatever and couldn't do things they normally do, I would pick up the slack. I would do whatever was necessary to make them feel comfortable and make sure they felt I was taking care of them. I would make sure they knew they didn't have to do anything and the only thing they had to be concerned with was feeling better.

Moments later, feeling all good about myself and how wonderful I would be as their care-giver, I realized I had fallen into an old habit: expecting people to be someone other than themselves. See, the more I thought about what I would do the more infuriated I became that they aren't like me. Not that I'm better than them, but that's what I was thinking. But I'm not better; I'm just different. I look at things differently. I do things differently. I behave differently. I am me and they are them (or something like that). And when I expect people to be themselves I won't be disappointed.

So now I'm going to clean the kitchen and take out the trash and feel good about having the ability and energy to accomplish something today . . . because that's how I am. :)

inspiration

I'm inspired to write today. About what, I'm not sure. It may merely be a distraction from the essay I need to write about how the U.S. elects a president. It may be a caffeine high from too much coffee this morning and too little food. It may even be from a late night chat I had with a friend I reconnected with on Facebook. Regardless, I want to write.

Obviously, the last several posts may have seemed to be filler (phyller?), but I can assure you they were not. The past month I haven't been able to focus and the things that have filled my mind, screaming to be released, have not made their way out in the forms of my own words. The songs, the poems, the philosophies of others have come to my rescue as I've wandered around in my own brain searching for a complete thought.

Yesterday I analyzed all I've been feeling lately, all the emotions that I've experienced on the roller coaster ride that is my life at the moment. This is what I came up with (in no particular order): anxiety, fear, betrayal, confusion, dismay, hopelessness, anger, despair, disgust, loneliness, surprise, happiness, elation, patience, excitement, satisfaction, love.

Now, thinking about all of that, there's a lump in my throat. Does that ever happen to you? You know, that tight choking feeling you get in your throat because of some strong emotion. I've felt it at other times in my life, but it started happening more frequently after Mom died. Now it's back again with a vengeance! A daily occurrence -- a sorrow that wells up in my throat to the point that I'm not sure I can breathe. But I do. Breathe. Deep. And the lump begins to melt, though not completely.

If you've been reading my blog for any time at all, you must have already seen the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the manic and the depressed states that I live in at any given moment. I almost feel obligated to apologize for it, but I won't -- this is who I am. I'd like to hope that someday I will find that middle ground, that place of peace and contentment that rests between two palm trees in a hammock on a beach. But just remember, if you come here and read some silly idiotic little post I've written, know I'm having a good day. And when there is a post which seems to be quite cryptic, say a little prayer for me, because I'm probably lost somewhere in my mind trying to find a way out.

i believe

Over the past few months I've thought a lot about my life, what I've learned, and where I'm headed. I've wanted to write about it, but for some reason I just couldn't find the words to express all I have been feeling. Then I found the following post on a friends' page (Thanks Betsy!).

I Believe...
That just because two people argue
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue
doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it's taken me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had,
and what you've learned from them,
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe.....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything --
they just make the most of everything they have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can't be content with what you have received,
be thankful for what you have escaped.
-- Author Unknown

breathe

A few weeks ago I was having coffee with a friend and she was telling me about how stressed she'd been lately, how it seemed every little thing was an annoyance. My advice: breathe. But a funny thing about advice: eventually, you've got to practice what you preach. The hard part is breathing.

From time to time -- ok, I'll be honest, it's more like day to day -- this stupid sadness comes over me. I know what it's about, I know why it's there, but there's just nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can distract myself with school and home projects and maybe -- maybe -- some housework. But the distractions aren't good enough. My mind wanders, my chest tightens, and I realize I need to breathe!

Writing this I hear the voices (not *those* voices) of my friends. My real friends, who would say, "Call me." I won't call, though -- and please don't call me. That sounds horrible, but I know myself well enough. I'm not in the mood to talk (Ha! I'm not in the mood to do anything) and really the only way through this is time. I hate time!! I'm too impatient. But by tomorrow it will be ok. Maybe. And RL will say, "I'll be home Thursday and we have a long weekend together. You'll be sick of me by Monday!" Well, I'd rather be sick of him than be missing him any day of the week.

You've got to see the whole video!

mothers like you

I've mentioned before that all my life I was told I looked like my Mom. And after Mom died I realized it was true -- I would even admit it. I've recently been told I am like my Mom, her actions and personality. But there have been other women in my life or women I've observed, who I would like to pattern myself after.

There's the young woman (probably in her twenties) who lives around the corner. She has three little boys. Sometimes when I drive past their house she'll be in the front yard playing catch when them. One time I drove by and they were planting flowers in the garden. It made me wish I had a second chance with my son; a do over of when I was a young single mom. But since that's impossible, I've just determined to be the best Mom I can be right now.

Then there's "The Lesser." That's what she calls herself, but she is so much more. She is the most beautiful person (inside and out) I have ever met in my life. She's the type of person that shows her inner beauty all the time. She is gentle and tender and loving and full of grace. She hugs with genuine feeling. I've watched "The Lesser" with others, how she gives each person undivided attention. How she always made me want to not be so self-absorbed and selfish and impatient.

There are many others, mothers like you, who I watch and I learn how to be a better Mom, a better woman, a better person. We're not all perfect, but there is always something we can learn from or teach one another. So, thank you. Thank you for being yourself and letting me see something I will strive to be along with myself.

Happy Mothers Day!

guard my mouth

Tonight RL and I are going to a comedy club with some friends. I'm expecting it to be fun. I'm expecting we'll all have a good time. I'm expecting I won't have a chance to make a fool of myself or say or do something that I'll totally regret later.

Sometimes I lie in bed after being at some kind of gathering with friends or family or, worse, people I don't know very well at all and realize what a complete idiot I was. All the stupid things I said. All the times I tried too hard to be funny and fell on my face. All the times I interrupted someone and changed the subject and they had that look on their face that reflected how hurt they were, but they were better than me because they didn't need all the attention.

It's not quite as bad these days. I spent so many nights tossing and turning and torturing myself reliving nights as those that I determined not to be that way anymore. I was so determined I would rehearse not being that way in my head before going out. I would ask God not to let me make a fool of myself. I would remind myself when meeting a friend for lunch not to dominate the conversation. I've even been known to literally put my hand over my own mouth while speaking, because I knew something was about to fly out of it that shouldn't.

Sometimes it even works. Sometimes I get home and think, "That was fun. I had a good time." Then other times I lie in bed and something I said or did will pop into my head and I'll think, "What the crap?" Or I'll realize I said something to someone that could've been taken the wrong way and I'll pray they didn't. But I'll remember the look on their face when I said it and realize they probably did. And I'll hate myself and toss and turn and not be able sleep. If I do sleep, I'll wake up feeling pretty good about life and then remember what happened the night before and wish I could go back to sleep and forget.

But I'm excited about tonight and optimistic. We'll see........

*get a hanky

There's this really miraculous thing that happened to me. Something that I really wanted to happen, but never thought it would and is just so marvelous that I'm not even sure I can verbalize it. But one day (I can't even say exactly when) my daughter and I became friends.

My Mom and I were never really friends. We were more like coworkers who merely tolerate each other. You know, the "I have to work with you, but I don't have to like you." We had our good moments and before she died we became closer. I was able to love her and feel compassion for her, forgive her and respect her. But, still, we weren't really friends.

Brandi is now twenty years old and no longer living at home. Now some might feel that's the reason for this miraculous friendship. But I disagree. Somehow we became friends before. Somehow the mother/daughter disagreements didn't destroy us. Somehow we were able to overcome bitterness and resentment.

This was most apparent to me the other night. I took her out to the big discount warehouse home improvement center to get some flowers to plant on her balcony. As we walked down the aisles of rows and rows of flowers, she took my hand. Suddenly, she was a little girl again, taking my hand as we crossed the street -- she trusts me. Suddenly, she was taking my hand as we faced a crisis together -- she needs me. Suddenly, she was taking my hand as we shared an inside joke -- she likes me. And I realized she is this wonderful, beautiful woman who is not only my daughter but also my friend.

I love you, Sweet Pea!

let the fun begin

After four months of nearly non-stop studying, the exam is finally over. For the few of you who have recently joined in the fun, this past Saturday I participated with some 100 others in the State Fundementals of Surveying Exam. But now that it's over I really don't want to talk about it. I'll just tell you I took the exam and am hoping I passed.

Ok, so now what? Well now I am looking forward to getting back to blogging on a regular basis. I can't tell you how much I've missed it. I've got so much catching up to do. And apparently I also have some new readers (Hi Jessica!). So I'm hoping to have more to write about and more often than just once a week.

In a couple of weeks RL and I are going on vacation. I don't think I've ever been so ready to go on vacation. Sunny beaches here we come! And it'll be another one of those no-kids-just-us vacations. WooHoo!! But, sorry, there won't be any juicy write-ups on that. Just a lot of photos. Of beaches. Sorry.

For those of you who have hung in there with me and are still reading my stuff after four boring months, thanks. To those who have wandered over to my little cyber place, welcome! (It was nice meeting you the other day, Jessica.) And if you're one of my Facebook friends reading this, you should really follow the link over to my blog 'cause it's such a nicer looking place.

blogging, bitching, and more

First let me apologize for the lack of substance on my blog lately. Most of you know I like to write, but it just hasn't been possible lately and I didn't want to completely abandon it all together. The good news is, after next weekend, studying will come to a hault until the Fall. Unless, of course, I take a summer course. Anyway....

A new friend (yes, aside from studying I've managed to make some new friends) sent me something that I just *had* to share with you all. I don't generally post emails people send me (did you read my apology up there?), but this was just too good. Ten years ago I wouldn't have understood the truth of it, but I've grown up a lot since then. Enjoy!

**************

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
 
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
 
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
 
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
 
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.
 
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
 
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
 
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
 
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
 
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
 
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself
 
Beautiful
Intelligent
Talented
Charming
Hell of a Woman
 
Beautiful
Individual
That
Can
Handle anything

***************

When you put it that way, who wouldn't want to be called a bitch?!! LOL!!

friends (or a facebook commercial)

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on Facebook (it was a really slow day at work) searching for friends: people I knew in school, people from church, maybe even a couple of old boyfriends (like you've never done that!). One person I found (not an old boyfriend. Apparently they aren't on FB.) I clicked on their friends list and was surprised to read they "have no friends."

Now I don't really think this person has no friends. They may not have been on FB long and just haven't added any friends. But, still, it made me sad. It made me feel as though this person had a very lonely life or maybe they're one of those whose work makes them too busy.

My friends list, on the other hand, is growing. In the past 3 or 4 weeks I've been on FB I've added almost 40 friends. Some blogger friends too (*waving hand* Hi blogger friends). Now I know some on FB have over 300 friends. Whatever! Do you think you're fooling anyone? Are they really you're friends? Or did you just accept their friend request because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings? Sure, I've got friends on my list who I haven't seen in over 20 years, but I would still consider them friends. And I don't accept just any friend request. I've ignored quite a few (sorry) who I had no clue who they were.

Accepting people as my friends is a very serious thing to me. (So serious I've devoted an entire blog post to it.) It's a really big deal to call someone my friend. Not because I'm a snob, but because I'm still kind of cautious who I let into my world -- even my virtual world.

There's quite a responsibility when you call someone your friend. Honestly, my timid insecure selfish self doesn't want that responsibility. My hermit self would rather just keep to herself and not ever go anywhere or talk to anyone. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to call a friend on the phone just to say hello. Can you imagine me having to keep up with 40 friends? It's exhausting just thinking about it!!

Luckily, FB makes that easy. It's one of the reasons I like it so much. The other reason is it helps me get out of the comfort of my hibernation. I feel as though I'm, in a very small way, part of these people's lives and can maintain a connection with them until I see them again.

The person who has no friends? I sent them a friend request.

I haven't heard back from them yet.

pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name?

A couple of weeks ago at church a friend of mine was introducing me to another friend of her's. "This is so-and-so. She's whats-his-name's ex-wife." She introduces me as a "stick person," the person who holds a "stick" on a survey crew. (Though it's really called a rodman and I haven't been a rodman for about three years.) I asked her why she always puts labels on people. Why doesn' she just say, "This is my friend?" Why the labels?

I suppose it comes from our need to identify people with something. We are someone's mom, sister, daughter. They are someone's boss, best friend, neighbor. He's a workaholic, a gossip, a jerk. We seem to put labels on people for good and bad reasons and rarely introduce them by giving their name and taking them, literally, at face value.

Maybe we introduce people with something in common: "This is Sara. She's interested in photography too." Or if we were trying to fix up a couple on a date we might include the fact they're single and their similar interests. But why not just give their names and let the other person find things out on their own? Why do we insist on labels?

What labels do people use to introduce you?

manic mondays

I'm ok, I just need to find a balance between my good days and bad days. When they're good, they're really good. And when they're bad, they suck!

A couple of weeks ago, I was on high: energetic, enthusiastic, everything was g-r-e-a-t--GREAT! I was motivated in every way; emotionally, mentally, and physically. Even last week, when RL left to work out of town, I was still in super-great mode. But this week? Not so much.

I can feel myself slipping into that dark hole. I reach out trying to take hold of anything that will keep mefrom falling further, but I can't hold the grip long.

Yesterday I decided, "Screw this! I'm not going to sit in the house all night by myself, studying for a test, cleaning house, waiting for RL to call." So I called a friend and we planned to go out. It was going to be late, because she had a class. But I didn't care, I was going out anyway. I had two more days to study for the test and I wasn't going to stay out very late.

Well, she ended up leaving class early, because she was sick and went home. I was ready, but nowhere to go. (I know you may read this, so NO I'm not mad at you. REALLY!) But I was determined. So I went to a restaurant and had dinner by myself. Let me just say that, if you're in the least bit lonely, I don't recommend eating dinner out by yourself. It tends to magnify the loneliness.

On the other hand, I am kind of proud of myself that I actually went. But still, it wasn't much fun. I just wish I could find some balance between those really great days and these really sucky days.

imaginary friends

Did you ever have an imaginary friend when you were a child?
Reader Poll Results:

Yes: 14%
No: 78%
Still do: 7%

I never had an imaginary friend, although I did pretend a lot. I would have "practice" conversations (sometimes in front of the mirror, sometimes not) with girls that I wanted to tell off in my class or trying to get the courage to talk to some boy. When I was in my teens I turned to writing in a journal to vent, dream, plan my future. I suppose I was writing to an imaginary audience, though it would've been devastating if anyone had actually ever read any of my journals. Now I write to a not-so-imaginary audience whom I will never see, but still no imaginary friends.

And, just so you know, the subject of imaginary friends may soon be a hot topic since Gold Circle Films (Because I Said So, My Big Fat Greek Wedding) is releasing a film this year about that very thing, titled If You Could See Me Now. It's about a boy who lives with his aunt. The boy has an imaginary friend (Hugh Jackman). But the really weird thing is the aunt can see the imaginary friend and they start a romance. Well, maybe not so weird, 'cause a romance with Hugh Jackman could be a good thing (imagined or not).

Please vote in the new Reader Poll: When it comes to having fun . . .

portraits

This afternoon I did some family portraits for a friend and her daughters. We've been trying to schedule this for about eight months and I'm glad we finally were able to get together. It's been so long since I've done any portraits I forgot a lot of things. It wasn't until I was processing them that I remembered a few things I could have done to make some of the pictures better. As always, there were some pictures that I wasn't particularly pleased with, but this is one of my favorites. It was a good day.

hiding=prison

Several years ago I worked through a study (Shelter From the Storm) on sexual abuse with a friend. One of the most interesting things I learned from that study was how the abused protect the abuser by their own silence. Out of fear of losing their sense of security, out of fear of shame or out of fear of many other things the abused will hide what is really going on. What they cannot see is that staying silent, remaining hidden becomes their prison.

I have found this to be true even when there is no abuse at all. In my own life I have recognized myself hiding from people for all sorts of reasons. I have hidden for fear of rejection. Believing that if anyone really knew me they wouldn't like me and I couldn't take that rejection. The result was that most people thought I was a snob and I didn't have many friends.

There was a time I thought I could do everything myself. If a problem would arise I could handle it myself. Anything that needed to be done I didn't need any help. I didn't need anyone. The result? I felt overwhelmed and alone.

Even my own mind has, at times, become a prison. I will dwell on an issue. I will examine it, dissect it, analyze it, and completely diassemble and reassemble it. I will spend countless number of hours and sleepless nights trying to resolve it. Not until I talk to someone and release my thoughts into their hearing will I find freedom from the prison in my mind.

And the reasons for hiding in these ways is the same as for those who have been abused: fear of loss of security, shame, guilt. But once the silence is broken (being myself around others, asking for and accepting help when I need it, talking with my husband or a friend about issues that concern me) then I am released from that lonely self-made prison.

beauty

A week or so ago I met a friend for coffee. She wasn't wearing any make up and her hair was showing its natural curl (probably from the humidity). She didn't even have to try, she was beautiful.

Maybe it's just me, but there is something about the beauty of a person's heart, their very being, that could never be imitated with any matter of make up. Sometimes you can just see how beautiful someone is by the way they speak to people or how they treat others.

My friend is like this. She is always giving and compassionate. She is kind and thoughtful. And though she may be having a difficult time, she is still mindful of others and their needs. She's unique like that.

Mom used to tell me "beauty is as beauty does." My friend portrays this and I hope I can learn from her beauty secrets.

to the mothers in my life

cheryl's having a baby

These are pictures of my best friend. We had so much fun taking these pictures! The last one is my absolute favorite.

to my girlfriends

I didn't write this and this isn't one of my pictures, but I had to share this with all my girlfriends. All of us girls . . . old and young, near and far . . . hold special memories of good times we've shared. We've had our share of hard times when our friends were there to make us feel better. We've shared our hearts, our time, our secrets, our fears, our hopes and our dreams. Let us never break the chain of friends!