the whole long drawn out story

For Valentine's Day, I had scheduled an afternoon for myself at the spa. Thirty minute massage, manicure, pedicure -- all the things that make you feel good without the guilt or weight gain. RL was out of town, so I decided there wasn't any reason to waste a perfectly good excuse to have him pay for a relaxing day at the spa -- so I made the appointment. And just because he ended up coming home 2 weeks early didn't mean I was canceling either. Good thing. While the masseuse was doing her magic, she found a lump in the middle of my back. "Do you have a cyst?" "No, I don't think ... what the crap?" The next day I called the doctor and made an appointment.

It wasn't a big lump, maybe the size of a small pecan (that's puh-con not pee-can) and I've had lumps show up here and there before. One on the side of my neck, just below my ear, was about the size of a pea and removed several years ago. I've even found lumps in my legs (I know that sounds really awful, but you can't see them -- there's too much ... um ... fatty tissue covering them) and the doctor has always asked, "Do they hurt?" "Well, only if I push down on them." "It's not cancer then. Cancer doesn't hurt." But I haven't had those (yes, plural) removed, because I've got enough hail damage and stretch marks on my legs, I don't need scars on them too. So, anyway, I wasn't too worried (at least, that's what I kept telling myself) about the new lump and when RL asked, as he was leaving for work, if he should go to the doctor with me, I assured him it was no big deal and I'd be fine.

But sitting alone in the doctor's office, waiting for what seemed an hour, but was actually only about 15 minutes, the thoughts started running through my head. The bad thoughts. The thoughts you're not supposed to think, because you'll get yourself all worked up over nothing. And then my doctor came in, checked my back, sat down in her little chair on rollers, and looked up at me. "Well, what we can do is take x-rays and find out immediately if it's cancer." She might as well have hit me in the stomach. I sucked my breath in, "Ok." Then she asked, "Does it hurt?" "No." "Hmmm . . . well, we can find out right away." Within 30 minutes or so the x-rays showed everything was clear. No large white mass indicating cancer. The next step was to make an appointment with a surgeon, let him check it out, and have the lump removed.

The waiting was the hard part. Two weeks isn't a long time, but it is when you have an overactive imagination. I kept telling myself it would be fine, there wasn't anything to worry about, the doctor assured me it was not a big deal, he performs this procedure "all the time." But I don't get cut on all the time and just the thought of being "put to sleep" scares the hell out of me.

When the day finally came, I was calm on the outside and a nervous wreck on the inside. And just as we were leaving for the hospital I reminded RL, if I died on the operating table, not to buy me an expensive casket and make sure people don't waste their money on flowers, but make a donation to a charity. I'm weird like that. But, you know, things happen and I wanted to make sure it was said.

Of course, everything went smoothly and I only had a minor breakdown just before I "went under." The surgeon and his staff were great about it, though, and I fell asleep with the feeling these complete strangers genuinely cared for me. Thirty minutes later (amazingly) I woke up and it was all over. I was still alive. I survived.

i believe

Over the past few months I've thought a lot about my life, what I've learned, and where I'm headed. I've wanted to write about it, but for some reason I just couldn't find the words to express all I have been feeling. Then I found the following post on a friends' page (Thanks Betsy!).

I Believe...
That just because two people argue
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue
doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it's taken me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had,
and what you've learned from them,
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe.....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything --
they just make the most of everything they have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can't be content with what you have received,
be thankful for what you have escaped.
-- Author Unknown

death & taxes

You know how it goes: Nothing is certain, but death and taxes. I don't think too much about taxes. It's probably the one thing where I just let RL have all the fun. But death, well I'm kind of weird when it comes to that subject.

Yesterday I was driving home from work and was nearly t-boned by a semi on the expressway. The first thing I thought: "Yeah, I'm ready to die." Not like suicide or anything, I'm just ready. My ducks are in a row. Things are good with the Man upstairs. I've told my kids I love them. I think about stuff like that, probably a lot more than others. There's been a lot of deaths in my family; too many have died too young. So I guess that's why I think that way.

I mean, I already have my casket picked out. I'll hear a song on the radio or one of my CDs and think, "Oh, that would be good to play at my funeral!" Some people plan their dream wedding, I plan my funeral. Well, I don't sit around and daydream about it . . . Ok, yeah, sometimes I do. But I snap myself out of it after a few minutes.

And if this is who's escorting me out of this life . . . Well . . .