just a little rant

Yes, I'm giving advanced warning: This is a rant. But a rant with a happy ending. Well, maybe not happy, but at least there is a conclusion. I try hard not to rant through this medium, because this is a semi-anonymous blog and my friends and family read this. Even RL reads this from time to time. So I try to remain accountable for what I say -- you know, protect the innocent and all that. And now you've had fair warning and sufficient time to click over to some other blog to read a light-hearted account of ... whatever.

Some of you know I had surgery this week. A small procedure. Not a big deal. (I'm working on a post about that, by the way.) And though I am feeling great and only cringe slightly when I make sudden movements, the recovery process has been less than wonderful. There are certain things I expected during this recovery period that didn't happen and I feel let down. To be specific, I expected my family to do things for me that just didn't happen.

The surgery was Tuesday afternoon, so in the getting-my-house-in-order phase I did what I could to prepare for the days I wouldn't be capable of doing much of anything. Honestly, there were a lot more things I could've done, but just getting the laundry caught up and the dishes washed made me feel as though I were on top of things around here.

But here it is Friday, and as I walked into the kitchen this morning there was a foul (probably fowl) smell coming from the overflowing kitchen trash. Seriously! Why hasn't anyone taken it out? What are they waiting for? And as I went about making the morning coffee, stacking dishes and clearing a space for the coffee pot, I realized dirty dishes had been piling up since Tuesday morning.

I got mad. Infuriated. What are these people thinking?! If they had just had surgery or were sick or whatever and couldn't do things they normally do, I would pick up the slack. I would do whatever was necessary to make them feel comfortable and make sure they felt I was taking care of them. I would make sure they knew they didn't have to do anything and the only thing they had to be concerned with was feeling better.

Moments later, feeling all good about myself and how wonderful I would be as their care-giver, I realized I had fallen into an old habit: expecting people to be someone other than themselves. See, the more I thought about what I would do the more infuriated I became that they aren't like me. Not that I'm better than them, but that's what I was thinking. But I'm not better; I'm just different. I look at things differently. I do things differently. I behave differently. I am me and they are them (or something like that). And when I expect people to be themselves I won't be disappointed.

So now I'm going to clean the kitchen and take out the trash and feel good about having the ability and energy to accomplish something today . . . because that's how I am. :)

grocery pick up

Have I mentioned I hate shopping? Really. The only time it's enjoyable is when I'm alone -- except when I'm with my daughter. And even then I can only stand a couple of hours. After that I turn into a . . . Well, anyway, I particularly hate grocery shopping. But something happened a few weeks ago that, at least, made it a bit more interesting.

It was just before the last big snow storm we were supposed to have. RL was out of town (big surprise) and Brandi's rarely at home , so I just needed a few things to get me through the weekend. You know, canned soup, bread, milk, lots of munchies. Oh, and coffee! Had to get coffee.

Everyone in town was expecting the worst, so the store was hit hard. Nearly all the produce was gone; there weren't any canned tomatoes; and the only canned soup that was left was the low sodium healthy stuff, which was alright, because that's what I wanted anyway.

So, I'm walking down the canned soup aisle, trying to decide which tasty low sodium healthy soups I wanted and this guy wheels his cart up beside mine and says, "Looks like they got hit pretty hard." Well, yeah, it was kind of a shock to see the shelves mostly bare. And the fact that some stranger was mentioning it to me didn't seem that unusual, because people tend to get a little friendlier in times of pending disaster. (Ok, it wasn't that bad, but you know what I mean.)

I said something quite clever like, "Yeah, not much left, huh?" Because, you know, I'm so clever like that. We continued this clever conversation for about another excruciating 30 seconds and then I went on with my picking and choosing. Then I headed to the coffee aisle. (CanNOT forget the coffee!!)

Seems this guy that was worried about the lack of can goods remaining in the store also needed coffee. That or he was following me. I didn't really want to think about that and tried not to let it show that I was a little unnerved that he was, once again, on the same aisle with me. I picked up the two pound canister of Folgers 1/2 Caff (because I'm cutting down on caffeine) and placed it in my cart. The guy was standing right next to me with his cart headed in the opposite direction and was talking about I don't know what. All I'm thinking about is how do I get away from him without just coming right out and saying, "Get the hell away from me, you freak!"

Turns out I have this nervous little habit that seemed to really turn him off. Before I knew what was happening he was gone. I just stood there thinking, "Dang! What did I say?" And then I realized I was spinning my wedding ring around my finger.

Ha! I'll have to remember that!!

can we talk?

Early on in our marriage (and for a long time into it), RL and I encountered some communication problems. (Naaaa . . . really?) Something would happen, I would get upset, I would try talk to RL, but for whatever reason we would end up intensely discussing our lack of communication. As a result of this, we never got to the actual problem and never resolved anything. Ok, we've resolved a lot of things since then, but at the time we never resolved anything. Anyway, my point is the problem-solving was shut down because we weren't addressing the real issues.

Today I keep hearing about how people are complaining about the Obama administration's policies because they are racists. His opponents apparently have no legitimate reason for disagreeing with him except that he is black. But what these accusations encourage is the wrong discussion. We're no longer debating but defending ourselves against being racists.

Sure, I think there is still a problem in the U.S. with racism -- but not a lot. In fact, there is so little racism in the U.S. that we were able to elect our very first black President. When are we going to have a post-racial America and start debating the issues?

now I remember . . .

Ok, I didn't *just* remember, but I do finally have some time to talk about what I wanted to talk about last time when I kind of got sidetracked and went on and on about nothing. (Ha! That was a mouthful!!)

So, have you seen the latest kiddy movie "UP?" It is so fantastic and not at all just a kiddy movie and -- this is the best part -- there are no *politics* in the whole movie. Really. I'm not kidding. It was fantastic and, if you haven't already, you need to go see it.

Although, I will say that if you don't really care for good wholesome movies that have a moral to the story AND you are not particularly in the mood for having *anything* to do with loving relationships, then I would not recommend this movie. You would probably be better off going to see something with a lot of yelling and guns and blood.

Ok, now that I've got it set up for you, here's what I *really* wanted to talk about: We were sitting in the theartre (RL, my daughter, and I), watching this kid's movie on a Sunday afternoon, and there was a younger couple sitting in front of us. Not *very* young. Probably in their late twenties, early thirties. Within the first FIFTEEN minutes, these two were all over each other. At one point, the guy had his head in her lap and her skirt was pulled up!!

Now, I'm all for some hot steamy lovin, but c'mon! At the kids movie? In the middle of the theatre? At least go sit on the back row. At least pick a movie where there's not going to be kids *everywhere* around you. That's just too perverted!!

in the meantime

When I get a chance, I'm going to have a post about my vacation with pictures and everything. Until then here are a couple of trivia questions. The first to give the correct answer to both questions in the comments will receive a special gift. Really. I'm not kidding.

68% of women do this in the bedroom. What is it?

13% of men do this within the first three months of marriage. What is it?

No cheating, please. :-D

mothers like you

I've mentioned before that all my life I was told I looked like my Mom. And after Mom died I realized it was true -- I would even admit it. I've recently been told I am like my Mom, her actions and personality. But there have been other women in my life or women I've observed, who I would like to pattern myself after.

There's the young woman (probably in her twenties) who lives around the corner. She has three little boys. Sometimes when I drive past their house she'll be in the front yard playing catch when them. One time I drove by and they were planting flowers in the garden. It made me wish I had a second chance with my son; a do over of when I was a young single mom. But since that's impossible, I've just determined to be the best Mom I can be right now.

Then there's "The Lesser." That's what she calls herself, but she is so much more. She is the most beautiful person (inside and out) I have ever met in my life. She's the type of person that shows her inner beauty all the time. She is gentle and tender and loving and full of grace. She hugs with genuine feeling. I've watched "The Lesser" with others, how she gives each person undivided attention. How she always made me want to not be so self-absorbed and selfish and impatient.

There are many others, mothers like you, who I watch and I learn how to be a better Mom, a better woman, a better person. We're not all perfect, but there is always something we can learn from or teach one another. So, thank you. Thank you for being yourself and letting me see something I will strive to be along with myself.

Happy Mothers Day!

blogging, bitching, and more

First let me apologize for the lack of substance on my blog lately. Most of you know I like to write, but it just hasn't been possible lately and I didn't want to completely abandon it all together. The good news is, after next weekend, studying will come to a hault until the Fall. Unless, of course, I take a summer course. Anyway....

A new friend (yes, aside from studying I've managed to make some new friends) sent me something that I just *had* to share with you all. I don't generally post emails people send me (did you read my apology up there?), but this was just too good. Ten years ago I wouldn't have understood the truth of it, but I've grown up a lot since then. Enjoy!

**************

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
 
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
 
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
 
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
 
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.
 
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
 
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
 
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
 
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
 
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
 
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself
 
Beautiful
Intelligent
Talented
Charming
Hell of a Woman
 
Beautiful
Individual
That
Can
Handle anything

***************

When you put it that way, who wouldn't want to be called a bitch?!! LOL!!

the "new" kind of man

From time to time I've shared some things with my loyal following (all 12 of you) from our current culture. (Follow the label below to read other posts on culture.) Recently I came across a term I hadn't heard before (but has been around for at least five years) and, of course, I had to research it.

The term? Retrosexual. Now, at first, I thought it had to do with old-fashioned (not to be confused with boring) sex between a man and a woman. Turns out it is a term that refers to one who is a "real man" and proud of it. From the information I could find, the following is the Retrosexual Manifesto by Grau Magus (who apparently had a blog at one time called "Frizzen Sparks," but I was unable to find it.).

A Retrosexual man:

- no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

- opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that only loosely fit that term, because they are biologically female.

- DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

- only eats red meat; he often kills it himself.

- doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still reading, learning, growing and can manage a drink now and again, I salute you. If you are still having sex with your wife, you are a legend.

- does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly two endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

- does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic or Abercrombie when he's 30 years old.

- should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

- watches no TV show with "Queer" or "Queen" in the title.

- does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

- should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

- is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT, and, when you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

- will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

- knows how to tie a Windsor or half Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor style knot.

- should have at least one good wound that he can brag about.

- knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a hole straight, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

- knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up."

- Crying: There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a good bird dog, loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck or Jeep.

- When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you low-life" look on his face.

- A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

- will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married, engaged or in a serious healthy relationship, e.g., hunting, fishing, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, or occasional drink.

- knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

- can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his vehicle in a snow bank.

- can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darned well wanted it to land. Except on his truck --that would happen only because of a "force of nature," and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both.

- will give up his seat on a bus to not only any woman but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

- doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

- doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

let me go crazy on you

I wrote a while back about taking vitamins to deter bouts of depression. But I have to confess, I haven't been very good about taking them for several months. It's not that I forgot, I just haven't been taking them. And since I'm not merely breathing these days, I just haven't felt the need. Top that with the fact that RL isn't working out of town any longer, my life and emotional state turned all butterflies and rainbows.

"Are you taking your crazy pills?" I reminded my dear husband they are *not* crazy pills; they're just vitamins. But he insists I don't act as crazy when I'm taking them. Actually, his exact word for it was "b!tchy." I'm more "agreeable" when I take my "crazy" pills. But it's kind of funny, don't you think, that my "craziness" is more noticeable when he's misbehaving? Not badly misbehaving, just being a little annoying.

The truth is, these past few months we've been slowly entering a new phase in our marriage. The long awaited Empty Nest. For most married couples I imagine this is a normal adjustment. But most married couples have, at some point previously, been married without kids at home. RL and I, on the otherhand, have never been married without children. Jeremy was seven when we got married and shortly thereafter (about seven months later) Brandi was born. There's never been "just us."

So he's always home (because he doesn't go out of town) and we're always home alone (because there are no kids). But sometimes I think we're getting on each other's nerves and driving each other crazy. The other day, after walking passed Brandi's empty room, I told RL I was feeling a little sad about it. "That's why you need to take your 'crazy' pills."

See what I mean? He's driving me crazy!!

wife/mom

There's a line women must walk. Actually, maybe not all women. Maybe it's just married women with children. The line between treating their children as children and their husbands as . . . well, not as a child. It's a very difficult line not to cross and probably nonexistent to some, but it has been revealed to me several times over my 20-year marriage.

When I was in my twenties and thirties, for some reason, I had this idea that everything just had to be a certain way. The house had to look a certain way, it must be cleaned a certain way, and everyone had to do everything a certain way or it wasn't right. Thinking about it now, no wonder I was so stressed and acted like such a . . . well, never mind about that. But I definitely understand why I was always exhausted.

Anyway, so when the kids would clean their rooms I would always go in and check to make sure it was done "right." You know how kids are. They'll throw everything in the closet or under the bed and tell you they've finished cleaning their room. I know I did that. So I made sure they knew I wasn't going to let them get away with it. And that's ok, if it's your kids. But when your husband is helping you with the housework the rules are completely different. As a matter of fact, if your husband is helping you at all with housework he deserves mass quantities of wild sex -- from you, his wife, of course!

But if he, for instance, is helping with the laundry and asks, "Uh, honey, how do you fold these sheets?" You say, "Anyway you want!" Because, let's face it, does it really matter, in the big picture, how the sheets are folded? No! Really, it doesn't.

This past weekened I had the opportunity to pass this knowledge on to my daughter. Earlier, I was in the kitchen washing dishes and thinking about all the other work I still needed to do and kind of getting a little upset, because RL was in the front room watching tv. Then a few minutes later, I realized, yes he was watching tv, but he was also folding laundry! OMG!! I thought I saw a glow of light around his head. I heard a choir singing and harps playing. Then I turned back to the dishes hoping that it wasn't all a dream.

Later, my daughter got home from work and sat down in the front room to watch tv. She noticed the stacks of her clothes that had been folded and asked why her clothes had been folded wrong-side out. Well, I have to tell you, my head nearly spun around like I was Linda Blair! I told her, basically, that you don't complain how someone folds laundry when they usually never fold laundry. It's enough that they even tried. Be thankful it was done at all, especially when she can do it herself!

So ladies remember, children are children and need instruction and discipline. You're not your husband's mother and that's a good thing, because that's just gross when you think about it. In conclusion, husbands can fold laundry any way they want (if they want) and children can fold their own!

are you REALLY listening?

As promised, here are the good listening points. Once again, my comments are in parentheses.

Good Ways of Listening

• Face the person to whom you are speaking. (No one wants to look at the back of your head. Unless, of course, they can't stand the sight of you.)
• Use "open" gestures. Scowling and having your arms crossed prompts defensiveness in the other person.
• Maintain good eye contact, but don't stare. (If they've got spinach in their teeth, don't stare at that either. Just go ahead and tell them about it so you don't have that distraction.)
• Use open-ended questions that lead to further discussions and responses: "Tell me why . . . " "Can you explian . . ." "What do you think . . ." (But be careful your questions are conversational and not interrogating.)
• Ask clarifying questions. (Sometimes RL thinks I'm not listening when I do this. But it's really that I'm trying to make sure I'm not misunderstanding what he means.)
• Offer supportive and comforting comments. (Now this can be tricky, because you don't want to sound pratronizing or condescending.)
• Use an understanding response: This indicates the listener is seeking to fully understand what the speaker is really saying.


I'll leave you with one last thought:
You have two ears and one mouth and you should use them in that proportion - listen twice as much as you talk.

are you listening?

Last week I posted about the differences between how women and men communicate. This week I want to share some listening points. If you happen to be new to this blog, I'm not some super-intelligent person and I'm not a psychologist or anything close! These are just some points I found interesting from the psych class I just happen to be taking this semester.

NOT Such Good Ways of Listening:
(My comments are added in parentheses.)

• Making judgmental statements while others are talking. (You know, like, "I can't believe you did that. That's so stupid!")
• Pretending to understand: "I know just how you feel." (Sometimes maybe you actually do understand. So this is really about those statements which are dripping with sarcasm. Which I would never do myself.)
• Giving no response at all. (This is particularly a bad idea, especially if the other person has asked you a question. If this happens just look them in the eye and say, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean.")
• Playing psychologist by analyzing others' behavior and motives. (Like when your spouse calls to let you know they're going to be home late and you accuse them of having an affair. That could really be damaging. Especially if they're really stopping off somewhere to buy you a little gift to surprise you.)
• Giving advice when none has been sought or wanted. (I am so guilty of this. There have been many, many times someone has told me, "I just wanted to get this off my chest. I just need you to listen.")
• Directing the conversation; leading the listener on and/or finishing sentences for him/her. Interrupting. (I'm not sure I understand what this one means.)

Next time: The Good Ways of Listening

communication

Here's something interesting. These are general differences between how men and women communicate:


Women
• Seek connection
• Relate symmetrically as equals
• Prefer interdependence & cooperation
• Decide by concensus
• Yearn for intimacy
• Want approval of peers
• Speak up in private
• Share problems
• Focus on details and feelings
• Mix personal & business talk
• Ask for help, advice & directions
• Give empathy & sympathy
• Want to understand problems

Men
• Seek status
• Relates symmetrically as rivals
• Prefer independence & autonomony
• Decide by force, persuasion or majority
• Yearn for space
• Want respect of peers
• Speak up more in public
• Keep problems to themselves
• Focus on details of facts
• Stick to business
• Don't ask for help, advice or directions
• Give advice & analysis
• Want to solve problems

Remember, these are generalities. But it may be helpful to take note of these for improving our communication skills with the opposite sex (or how to speak their language). There are some on the men's list that I see in myself and some on the women's list I see in RL. But, overall, I can see some ways I could communicate better with RL if I kept this list in mind.

displaced anger

This week for class the assignment is to read the chapter titled Dealing with Emotions. It's a fairly simple chapter and mostly skims over several main emotions and how we deal with them. But one point that was made about anger really stood out for me.

First let me say that there is nothing wrong with being angry. The text defines anger as "a feeling of extreme displeasure, usually brought about by intereference with our needs or desires." Obviously we all have different needs and desires. so what may make one person angry wouldn't necessarily bother someone else. How we express anger is when we can get into trouble.

One expression of anger that can cause problems is when we displace anger. For example, let's say your spouse comes home from work and is angry at their boss for some reason. But throughout the evening they say and do things that directs their anger towards you. This is displaced anger.

The most interesting thing mentioned in this chapter was that we displace anger toward those with whom we have the strongest relationships. We do this because in these relationships we "subconsciously trust they will accept us the way we are." Unfortunately, it's because of this displaced anger that we destroy our closest relationships. Hubby comes home mad at the boss and takes it out on the wife. The wife has been dealing with rowdy kids all day and takes it out on the husband. Each gets sick of the other and the relationship spirals downward.

What if one or the other or both realized that, though the anger is displaced, it's because their relationship is strong enough and they trust them enough to be themselves? In other words, if RL came home obviously angry about something, taking it out on me, instead of getting upset and defensive myself, I could help him place the anger where it belongs. Recognizing that I am his closest ally, I could respond with a more understanding attitude and help him work through his anger, instead of escalating the problem further with my own.

I'm not talking about tolerating abusive behavior. I'm simply suggesting that maybe one of the things that destroys so many relationships could be turned around. Hosea 4:6 says, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge." Maybe if we knew our relationship means so much to our spouse and they trust us so much to be themselves, we could show them the patience and understanding they need to help them work through their anger in ways that build our relationships rather than tearing them down.

know your boundaries

Last night in class we did an analysis in which we were asked a series of questions about ourselves. We were to check the ones that we knew about ourselves, what we've told a friend/S.O. about us, and the ones that we would be willing to share with the class.

We broke off into small groups, completed the analysis, then past them to those in our group. Each group member had the opportunity to ask about three of the questions that we had said we would share with the class. This was fine, until one of the guys in the group decided to ask the other guy in our group about what his favorite form of erotic play and sexual love-making is. (Yep, that was one of the questions on the paper)! We all laughed, but then the guy proceeds to tell us all about it. Don't ask me what he said, though, because I plugged my hears and did the whole "la la la la la la la" thing. Then, of course, they all laughed even harder.

The purpose of the analysis was to show the importance of boundaries. Of course, the instructor didn't tell us that until after the fact, but I don't think it would have made any difference to these guys.

disclosure = intimacy

I should have warned you all in the last post that it seems this course I'm taking in human relations is going to give me lots of ideas for writing. But hopefully they'll be interesting enough to draw some good discussions like we just had.

_______________________________________________

The text we're using for Human Relations is Becoming Aware (Kendall/Hunt Publishing). It talks about the evolution of relationships and how it is crucial to reveal the "real you" to people. We do this by being willing to disclose our "innermost thoughts, feelings, and actions to those with whom we desire to have a close relationship." The text goes on:

The evolution of a relationship, getting acquainted, becoming friends, and developing intimacy is based on how much you are willing to disclose about yourself and how much the other person is willing to disclose about themselves to you. The more you know about another person and the more he or she knows about you, the more effective and efficient the relationship will be

And there's that pesky little word that keeps popping up around the neighborhood. The ever elusive intimacy. The text makes it sound so easy. You meet someone, get to know each other, start talking about your feelings, and *poof* intimacy. The key phrase in that excerpt, though, is how much the other person is willing to disclose about themselves to you. That seems to be a lot of the problem: how do we get others to open up?

To me, it's a matter of understanding that self-disclosure is a choice and it is not dependent upon the other person's disclosure. Sharing my thoughts, feelings, etc. is about letting the other person know the real me and making them feel safe to, if they choose, let me know them.

For example, there was a time when my daughter was in an "I hate you" phase. I would tell her I loved her, but she wouldn't say it to me. Then the question came to mind, "What is your intention in telling her you love her? Do you just say it so she'll say it back?" Well, of course not! The intention was that I want her to know I love her. So I told her. And told her. And told her. And one day she said, "I love you too, Mom." OMG! I just about fainted. "Prepare the fatted calf!"

But what happened? Why the change? The text explains it this way: An individual is not likely to engage in much self-disclosure if the situation involves too much personal threat. For her to allow herself to disclose her feelings to me threatened her need to be detached from me for a while. My continuing to express my feelings to her (regardless of her response) communicated to her in a way that, eventually, made it safe for her to express those feelings to me.

The truth is there is a risk to self-disclosure. With my daughter, I could have decided that if she wasn't going to tell me she loved me, I wasn't going to tell her. But that would have only made the tension between us greater. There was a risk of me getting hurt by not hearing her tell me she loved me, but the advantage of self-disclosure is that "disclosure leads to trust and tust leads to more disclosure, and, thus, the relationship will grow and develop into a mature and long-lasting, loving interaction."

We can't force the intimacy aspect of the relationship. It has to come after the trust is built that tells the other person it's safe to let us in. And this could happen quickly, over time (even years) or even require us to start over in building their trust. But, I think, if we will take the risk, set aside our self-doubt, and examine our real intentions of our self-disclosure, we will be able to acquire the intimate relationships we desire.

they're good for somethin'

I've always needed support. Even when I was a budding youngster, it seemed one day I was full and perky and the next slightly saggy. Sure I exercised, but in the years when liberation was in its full glory, who was I to bind up what nature (and women everywhere) demanded to be set free. That and giving birth to my first child at the age of eighteen, didn't help matters.

But I haven't thought much about it. I've always managed to present the girls in a way that, I thought, was most flattering. I've even had some rather nice compliments on them. But when RL so generously offered to pay for surgery to give them a lift, I became a little self-conscious about their appearance. That is until my mammogram the other day. Turns out the "big floppy ones" are the best for that sort of thing.

curious girls want to know

Working with guys some conversations are bound to come up. But even though I grew up with five brothers, I never ventured to ask what is the proper etiquette in the mens restroom. I've been instructed not to reveal the true source of this information so he doesn't have his man card revoked. So I'll just call him Chris. According to Chris, these are the Ten Commandments of the Mens Room:


1. Most conversations end at the entrance.

2. Don't stand with the door open before finishing a conversation with someone while entering the bathroom.

3. Striking up a conversation at the urinals is strictly forbidden.

4. Always leave an unused urinal (gap urinal) between you and the other guy.

5. Never make eye contact with someone at the urinals. Always look straight ahead or straight ahead and up.

6. Use a stall if there is only a gap urinal available.

7. If dividers are between urinals, the gap urinal may be used instead of the stall.

8. Cell phone use in stalls is frowned upon. Cell phone use at the urinal could result in damage or complete loss of phone.

9. Line for the urinals forms at the sink. If there is no room at the sink, the line should form outside the door.

10. Management must post reading material on the walls above the urinal to prevent conversations. If no reading material is provided, patrons will write their own.

There are also shake rules, but we won't get into that.

And so, now you know why women take so much longer in the restroom. There are no rules. We can talk as long as we want no matter if we're in the stall or not. It's practically encouraged to look at each other and sometimes it's even necessary to adjust each others clothing. Yeah, it's more fun in the womens room.

gift idea

Along with most people this time of year, I've been trying to come up with gift ideas. The way my mind wanders, though, it's difficult to stay on task. The other day I was thinking about what to get my brothers for Christmas and thought how nice it would be if they were as easy to buy for as women. I mean, generally you can buy a woman things like candles and they're pleased as punch. Most women, because really I'm not much into the candle thing. But, anyway, I was thinking about that and then I thought wouldn't it be great if they had scented candles for women and men. Surely if they can make jelly beans taste like all kinds of things they can make a candle with any kind of scent. Scents that instantly send your mind back to your childhood or any number of memorable experiences. Then a list of scents popped into my head that I thought would be great gifts.

candle scents for her:
first snow
summer rain
newborn baby
fresh brewed coffee
Sunday dinner at Grandma's
bread baking in the oven
s'mores

candle scents for him:
popcorn
salami & cheese
hickory
bacon & eggs
saltwater
sundried denim
tanned leather

If I were to buy you a candle for Christmas what scent would it be?