death of a season

I had a talk with the man in the moon.
He said the winds would be changing soon.
I asked him why it must be this way
He said, "Be patient and you'll find out someday.
The seasons change and with it comes
Other changes under the sun.
Some things die and others are born.
Some are mended, some are torn.
Once there was war, now there is peace.
What was silent now can speak.
What was thrown out, now you'll keep.
What made you laugh makes you weep.
What has been killed will now heal.
The love you had is now hate you feel.
You've planted seeds and built a wall,
Now uproot the weeds and let it fall,
For the griefs you've embraced and the wounds you've held close
Now turn to dancing as your stone heart lets go."
Then the man in the moon said I must count the cost
If I am to keep searching or give it up for lost.


© PR: 02.06.02
From Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)

it's all about the -ing

Spring makes me happy. Not just the weather; the cool mornings and warm days motivate and inspire me. But mostly it's the colors. Green, I've mentioned before, is my favorite color, and in the spring it is accompanied by purple. Well, it is around here, anyway. Purple budding trees and flowers alongside new green grass. It just about makes me giddy. Unfortunately, all this glorious color, motivation, and giddiness doesn't fend off the depression.

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I've been taking note of when the darkness comes, but I've also been trying to notice what keeps it away. One thing I've found is if I keep reading I don't get so depressed. When I finish a book it's good for me to start another one fairly soon. Reading keeps me from thinking. Thinking gets me too concerned about myself and how miserable I can be sometimes. For instance, Sunday I slept most of the day. I'd get up every couple hours and eat a little, then go back to bed. That went on until 4:30 in the afternoon, when I made myself get up and stay up. I thought about starting a new book, but by that point I was too far down to concentrate. So I watched movies on the Hallmark channel until it was time for bed.

Another thing I've found that helps keep my mind off myself and out of depression is thinking about others. Actually, not just thinking about them, but doing things for them. My friend, Michelle, has been sick and I had planned to take her out for breakfast. But she had a rough night and wasn't feeling up to it. I should have called someone else right then, but I didn't and not having someone to take care of left me feeling empty.

Also, probably the most obvious, is writing. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get the crazy stuff out of my head. Someone told me recently they liked my writing because it's honest. I'm not sure what that means exactly. I mean, can someone write dishonestly? I just write down what's in my head. I write the way I talk. It's kind of like talking to someone who isn't there. (That's not at all crazy, huh?) I want to tell them my story, or whatever, and I'm not going to lie. It has everything to do with my need to be understood. I figure if I can explain myself people won't think I'm so crazy. And that makes me happy and keeps me out of bed.

forget blue mondays

First, let me say this post is probably going to be all over the place. I'm having a particularly bad day. For instance, as I was just about to leave the house this morning I spilled coffee all over me, had to completely change clothes, and was almost late for an appointment with the surgeon. (Just a follow-up and, yes, everything is fine. Also, I'm still working on the post about all that.) So forgive me if I'm not my usual "jolly" self.

For the past month or so I've been trying to take note of when I feel the darkness creeping up on me. And I discovered Thursdays are bad days for me. What's up with that? And this week I thought I was doing very well. I've been in fairly good spirits all week and then this morning it sneaked up on me.

Ok, that's not completely true. I was aware there could be a possibility of a meltdown, because it's Jeremy's birthday and ... Well, I don't want to get into that right now. But, anyway, I thought I was going to be ok with it, but not so much.

It surprised me a little, though, because my "creative juices" have really been flowing. Over the past four days I've written a few poems and started working on some ideas for about three books I want to write. Really. Three. Books. One of which I'll be writing with Brandi. (We are extremely excited about that!!)

When I woke up this morning, I was caught a little off guard when I felt those creepy crawly fingers tapping me on the shoulder. I was expecting to have the strength to tell the thing to just shut the hell up and leave me alone. But I didn't. I don't.

At this moment there is only one gleaming bit of sunshine ... I will hold on ... It is enough.

if only*

“There are those of us who are always about to live.
We are waiting until things change, until there is more time,
until we are less tired, until we get a promotion,
until we settle down, until, until, until. It always seems as if
there is some major event that must occur in our lives
before we begin living.”
George Sheehan

Why is it that we think our happiness depends on whether or not specific events take place in our lives or if we have certain things. Now, you might be better at this than I am, but I have a tendency to think I'll be happy "if only [insert any number of things that have not yet happened]," then I'd be happy.

When I was a teenager I thought I'd be happy if only I were old enough to move out of my parent's house. Then it was if only I were married, if only I had a baby, if only I had married someone else. After the divorce and I had been a single mom for a few years it changed to if only I was married again. It seemed I was never happy. Even after RL and I got married the if only's continued. If only we had a house, if only he didn't work nights, if only he'd go to church with me, if only . . . . I don't know how he stayed with me! I was never satisfied. There was always something that needed to take place before I could be happy.

I don't remember the specific event that took place or if it was just a combination of events, but I finally realized that happiness is a choice. It is being content with and grateful for life the way it is at any given moment. Sure, we plan, we save, we invest for the future. But we will never be happy living in the future. Happiness only comes by living in the moment and then only by finding something to be happy about. Because there's that nasty human tendency to only see what we don't have instead of being thankful, content, happy with what we do.

*Re-posted from November, 2007

inspiration

I'm inspired to write today. About what, I'm not sure. It may merely be a distraction from the essay I need to write about how the U.S. elects a president. It may be a caffeine high from too much coffee this morning and too little food. It may even be from a late night chat I had with a friend I reconnected with on Facebook. Regardless, I want to write.

Obviously, the last several posts may have seemed to be filler (phyller?), but I can assure you they were not. The past month I haven't been able to focus and the things that have filled my mind, screaming to be released, have not made their way out in the forms of my own words. The songs, the poems, the philosophies of others have come to my rescue as I've wandered around in my own brain searching for a complete thought.

Yesterday I analyzed all I've been feeling lately, all the emotions that I've experienced on the roller coaster ride that is my life at the moment. This is what I came up with (in no particular order): anxiety, fear, betrayal, confusion, dismay, hopelessness, anger, despair, disgust, loneliness, surprise, happiness, elation, patience, excitement, satisfaction, love.

Now, thinking about all of that, there's a lump in my throat. Does that ever happen to you? You know, that tight choking feeling you get in your throat because of some strong emotion. I've felt it at other times in my life, but it started happening more frequently after Mom died. Now it's back again with a vengeance! A daily occurrence -- a sorrow that wells up in my throat to the point that I'm not sure I can breathe. But I do. Breathe. Deep. And the lump begins to melt, though not completely.

If you've been reading my blog for any time at all, you must have already seen the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the manic and the depressed states that I live in at any given moment. I almost feel obligated to apologize for it, but I won't -- this is who I am. I'd like to hope that someday I will find that middle ground, that place of peace and contentment that rests between two palm trees in a hammock on a beach. But just remember, if you come here and read some silly idiotic little post I've written, know I'm having a good day. And when there is a post which seems to be quite cryptic, say a little prayer for me, because I'm probably lost somewhere in my mind trying to find a way out.

breathe

A few weeks ago I was having coffee with a friend and she was telling me about how stressed she'd been lately, how it seemed every little thing was an annoyance. My advice: breathe. But a funny thing about advice: eventually, you've got to practice what you preach. The hard part is breathing.

From time to time -- ok, I'll be honest, it's more like day to day -- this stupid sadness comes over me. I know what it's about, I know why it's there, but there's just nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can distract myself with school and home projects and maybe -- maybe -- some housework. But the distractions aren't good enough. My mind wanders, my chest tightens, and I realize I need to breathe!

Writing this I hear the voices (not *those* voices) of my friends. My real friends, who would say, "Call me." I won't call, though -- and please don't call me. That sounds horrible, but I know myself well enough. I'm not in the mood to talk (Ha! I'm not in the mood to do anything) and really the only way through this is time. I hate time!! I'm too impatient. But by tomorrow it will be ok. Maybe. And RL will say, "I'll be home Thursday and we have a long weekend together. You'll be sick of me by Monday!" Well, I'd rather be sick of him than be missing him any day of the week.

You've got to see the whole video!

let me go crazy on you

I wrote a while back about taking vitamins to deter bouts of depression. But I have to confess, I haven't been very good about taking them for several months. It's not that I forgot, I just haven't been taking them. And since I'm not merely breathing these days, I just haven't felt the need. Top that with the fact that RL isn't working out of town any longer, my life and emotional state turned all butterflies and rainbows.

"Are you taking your crazy pills?" I reminded my dear husband they are *not* crazy pills; they're just vitamins. But he insists I don't act as crazy when I'm taking them. Actually, his exact word for it was "b!tchy." I'm more "agreeable" when I take my "crazy" pills. But it's kind of funny, don't you think, that my "craziness" is more noticeable when he's misbehaving? Not badly misbehaving, just being a little annoying.

The truth is, these past few months we've been slowly entering a new phase in our marriage. The long awaited Empty Nest. For most married couples I imagine this is a normal adjustment. But most married couples have, at some point previously, been married without kids at home. RL and I, on the otherhand, have never been married without children. Jeremy was seven when we got married and shortly thereafter (about seven months later) Brandi was born. There's never been "just us."

So he's always home (because he doesn't go out of town) and we're always home alone (because there are no kids). But sometimes I think we're getting on each other's nerves and driving each other crazy. The other day, after walking passed Brandi's empty room, I told RL I was feeling a little sad about it. "That's why you need to take your 'crazy' pills."

See what I mean? He's driving me crazy!!

manic mondays

I'm ok, I just need to find a balance between my good days and bad days. When they're good, they're really good. And when they're bad, they suck!

A couple of weeks ago, I was on high: energetic, enthusiastic, everything was g-r-e-a-t--GREAT! I was motivated in every way; emotionally, mentally, and physically. Even last week, when RL left to work out of town, I was still in super-great mode. But this week? Not so much.

I can feel myself slipping into that dark hole. I reach out trying to take hold of anything that will keep mefrom falling further, but I can't hold the grip long.

Yesterday I decided, "Screw this! I'm not going to sit in the house all night by myself, studying for a test, cleaning house, waiting for RL to call." So I called a friend and we planned to go out. It was going to be late, because she had a class. But I didn't care, I was going out anyway. I had two more days to study for the test and I wasn't going to stay out very late.

Well, she ended up leaving class early, because she was sick and went home. I was ready, but nowhere to go. (I know you may read this, so NO I'm not mad at you. REALLY!) But I was determined. So I went to a restaurant and had dinner by myself. Let me just say that, if you're in the least bit lonely, I don't recommend eating dinner out by yourself. It tends to magnify the loneliness.

On the other hand, I am kind of proud of myself that I actually went. But still, it wasn't much fun. I just wish I could find some balance between those really great days and these really sucky days.

in the grey

In the calm,
In the quietness,
The warmth of Your words flood my heart.

The chaos looms,
Darkness awaits,
The cold fingers reach out to grasp me.

In between,
In the grey,
I stand forever holding on to the hope:

Your words will penetrate,
Your love will permeate,
Your life will demonstrate,
And I will overcome.

© Heart Prints, 2008

i'm back

Thank you, first of all, to all who wished me well during my little time away. Though I don't know if I am at full recovery (because I'm a little wacky anyway, so I'm probably just normal for me), I do know that I feel much better. Part of that could be due to the fact that RL came home this week! (WaHoooooo!)

There's just been a lot of stuff going on in my head and blogging just became something else I felt I had to do. What fun is that? My Mom used to tell me I should've gone into web design, but I knew if I did it wouldn't be any fun anymore. Even if I could've possibly made all kinds of money, I knew if it became something I had to do, I probably wouldn't want to do it at all.

The stress of blogging seems silly, but finally having an audience to write to was so important; I didn't want to let anyone down. I felt I owed it to my readers to have something even remotely interesting to read. But this little break has given me the rest I needed and helped me get some perspective on this particular hobby of mine.

I'm going to make some changes. Some obvious changes and others, not so much. But the main thing is I am going to have fun with this and let it be an outlet instead of a monkey on my back.

So, how are things with you?

hibernation

For the past week or so I've been writing a lot of fluff. I didn't want to write anything, but didn't want to completely go into hibernation either. But for so long my mind has been on other things. Serious things. Things that I can't write about here, because they are much more personal and intimate thoughts than I could comfortably discuss here.

The problem is I want to talk, I want to be open, I want to put it all out there. But I can't. I can't even really talk about it with RL, because he wouldn't take me seriously. I'm one of those people who can stay on a particular subject for days and just talk it to death. So that's how I think RL feels when I try to talk to him. Like I'm beating a dead horse. But I never feel that it's settled.

So I've been trying to escape serious thought. I don't want to think anymore. I want to turn off my brain so my mind can't talk to me, confuse me, berate me. It's affected my sleep and I suspect it will be worse next week, because RL is going out of town again. My mind goes into overdrive when he goes out of town. I get a lump in my throat and tears come to my eyes, even now, just thinking about it.

So, tell me, do crazy thoughts (justified or not) scramble your brain? And how do you handle it?

control depression

So I asked myself, "What is it that makes you so depressed?" Because sometimes it seems that one day I'm fine and the next I just wake up that way. It's not enough to know I get depressed; I have to know why. There has to be some reason for it. Surprisingly (at least it was to me) the answer has to do with control.

Mentally, I noted the things that ultimately trigger depression in me. Then I thought about what these things have in common. The answer is all of them are things which I have no control. For instance, when RL tells me he's going out of town on business (which I have no control over) the next few days and most of the time he's gone I will get depressed. It's a double whammy! I get depressed because of a certain situation AND I get depressed because I can't do anything about it.

Well, that was quite an eye-opener! I mean, I've known for years that I have a control problem and I've been working on that. But I had no idea not having control triggered the depression. But that makes complete sense to me now.

Of course, the first thing that came to my mind after I realized this was the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

It's all about what can and can't be controlled. It's about stepping down and letting God be God, because He is in control of everything anyway. When I try to take control and then realize I don't have that power, I become weak, helpless, and hopeless. But if I would take the situation to God, when it first comes to my mind and say, "I can't do anything about this. Help me get through it." Then I've allowed God to bring me strength, help, and hope.

desserts*

Here's a little post to let everyone know I've snapped out of it. It amazes me how I manage to get through the bouts I have with grief and depression. This week's episode was conquered (to a certain extent) by learning how to use a new software program my husband bought me for Christmas. It seems the more challenging, tedious, and time-consuming a task is, the more it releases just the right amount of chemicals in my brain to bring relief.

The software? Oh, it is Adobe Photoshop Elements 6 and I have been having a blast going through and editing our vacation pictures. Here are a couple of samples:

Ok, so before I start sounding too geeky and going on and on about how much fun I've been having, spending hours on the computer editing photos and creating hundreds (not an exaggeration) of layouts, I have to go pick up my prints.

*The mirror image of stressed.

grieving christmas

It doesn't feel like Christmas. There isn't the joy and the anticipation. No warm fuzzies. Just a cloud overshadowing the whole thing, threatening to burst a cold and icy rain. Maybe I want it too much, maybe I'm trying too hard, but the more I want to feel Christmas, the more it slips away.

There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly a sense of loss. Grief is a sneeky thing. It comes on strong, quietly slips away, and then pounces when you least expect it. And I know that it does not like to be ignored. It is persistent. It hovers, stands over your shoulder, pulls at your sleeve until it is acknowledged and given the attention it needs.

So while everyone is opening their gifts and greeting all with a 'Merry Christmas,' I will smile and play along, but in my mind I will be tending a broken heart.

here in the states

I like traveling. I like the planning, the packing, the mapping. All of it. And the best thing about it is sharing the experience with others. The pictures . . . Ok, sorry I don't actually have any pictures of my recent travels. Buying souvenirs for family and friends. Oh well sorry, no actual souvenirs either. So you, lucky people, get to read about the states I've visited lately.

Every once in a while, on my many journeys, I drive through the lovely and always fascinating state of Confusion. Ok, really it's more like I accidently end up there. I'll be on my way to Happiness or Contentment and somehow I'll take a wrong turn and end up in Confusion. And I hate it there! No one knows their way around and you can't get directions. By the time you finally figure out how to get out of Confusion you wind up smack in the middle of downtown Frustration!

Near the middle of each month I take a little trip through the State of Depression. It's usually a short trip, but its a long drive getting back home. I've been there so many times the past few years it's fairly easy for me to find my way around. Some people live there, but they're kind of hard to talk to.

Sometimes I take unplanned trips to Depression. I mean, it's like one day I'm home and then I wake up and I'm in Depression. I think, "How did I get here?" And I sit and wonder and think and think how the heck I got there. But I can't ever figure it out and so before I get home from Depression I have to take the long drive through Confusion.

The other day I took a fun little trip through Pleasure. My husband was able to go with me this time. Usually he's working out of town and we wait to go on the weekend or sometimes I have to go to Pleasure by myself. But anyway, the other day we took a five day tour through Pleasure. It was great! What I like most about going there is there's always something to do. Every second is filled with all kinds of adventure. And even if you're not feeling very adventurous, there's lots of opportunities to just sit back and relax. During part of the trip it got kind of hot, but we didn't mind. It was a little sad, though, when the trip was over. But I'm already planning our next trip back.

So where have you been lately?

giving it up

Sitting outside in the dark, looking up at the stars I wondered when this foreboding would end. For weeks, months really, I have been stewing over a situation at home. Mulling it over. Trying to figure it out. All while I knew there really wasn't anything I could do about it. It was just eating at me. Then, it finally occurred to me to pray about it; to really pray about it.

I don't understand why I wait so long to take things that concern me the most to God and let Him help me sort them out. I don't understand why it always takes me so long to come to my senses. I don't know why I want to hang on to the sadness, worry, grief, anxiety, fear for so long like a small child clutching her security blanket before I relinquish my hold on it and surrender it to Him. Because as soon as I do, as soon as I allow Him access to those areas of my life, I am suddenly set free from those very things. Almost literally a weight is lifted off me and I can see clearly now the rain is gone. (Sorry, that just slipped out, though there are probably few that read this blog that have ever even heard that song. *AHEM!* Now get serious. This is a serious post.)

So late last night every time I felt those thoughts moving in, every time I felt those worries and fears rising up in me I reminded myself I had given those things to God. I had laid those things at the foot of the cross and I didn't have to think about them anymore, because God was taking care of them. He knows all about it and can handle it a lot better than I could ever think or imagine. Besides, there isn't anything I could do about them anyway, that's the whole point of surrendering them to God.

Today is the first time in months I have felt so at peace with my life. And I wonder, again, why does it take me so long to give it to God?

hiding=prison

Several years ago I worked through a study (Shelter From the Storm) on sexual abuse with a friend. One of the most interesting things I learned from that study was how the abused protect the abuser by their own silence. Out of fear of losing their sense of security, out of fear of shame or out of fear of many other things the abused will hide what is really going on. What they cannot see is that staying silent, remaining hidden becomes their prison.

I have found this to be true even when there is no abuse at all. In my own life I have recognized myself hiding from people for all sorts of reasons. I have hidden for fear of rejection. Believing that if anyone really knew me they wouldn't like me and I couldn't take that rejection. The result was that most people thought I was a snob and I didn't have many friends.

There was a time I thought I could do everything myself. If a problem would arise I could handle it myself. Anything that needed to be done I didn't need any help. I didn't need anyone. The result? I felt overwhelmed and alone.

Even my own mind has, at times, become a prison. I will dwell on an issue. I will examine it, dissect it, analyze it, and completely diassemble and reassemble it. I will spend countless number of hours and sleepless nights trying to resolve it. Not until I talk to someone and release my thoughts into their hearing will I find freedom from the prison in my mind.

And the reasons for hiding in these ways is the same as for those who have been abused: fear of loss of security, shame, guilt. But once the silence is broken (being myself around others, asking for and accepting help when I need it, talking with my husband or a friend about issues that concern me) then I am released from that lonely self-made prison.

momentarily

Mark this in your calendars, folks, cause it doesn't happen very often: I'm having a pretty good day. It may be more than being in a good mood. I might even go as far as saying I'm happy. Trying to figure out why is another matter.

Just accept and enjoy it, you say. Well, I am, but at the same time it boggles my mind that I can feel this good for no particular reason. I mean, is it because of the loving way my husband said good morning? Or is it because my boss isn't at work today? Or is it some chemical or such in my brain that is now being produced in normal amounts? Maybe I just had too much caffeine. These days are too few and far between! Whatever has loaded me up with these feelings of happiness and overall well-being, I wish I could pull that trigger more often.

find me

The other day I was so depressed I could hardly think straight. At times I thought I was going to break down and cry. Sometimes I did. As I was driving to work I heard this song on the radio. It immediately became my prayer.






Find Me Tonight

Yesterday, I could not feel this
Today I'm sick of trying
To live like I can live on my own
This world around me is suffocating
But I keep forgetting
To turn and run into You

So find me
Wherever I am
Won't You Find me
I got myself lost and
I don't think I want to be roaming in heartache
Please find me tonight

I make it hard and
I can't stand it
Can't wrap my head around it
I wrestle with You more than I should
I make a mess of everything
But You see the best in me
I'll never be too far gone

You speak without sound
Your love is so loud
You always save me

never bored

I've been out of it the past week. It's been so dang hot! Work has been miserable and by the time I get home I really don't feel like doing much of anything. It feels so good to get in the air conditioning I don't want to move.

But life goes on and I have to at least cook dinner. Then I've done that much, I might as well clean up the kitchen a little. Oh and I needed to . . . Every time I turn around there' something else that needs to be done.

That's ok, though. I start another class (AutoCad 2) in a couple of weeks and I'd like to get caught up as much as I can before classes start.

I could just kick myself for not getting our bedroom painted this summer. There's just so much that needs to be done before I can even start painting, though, and that's the real problem.

Sometimes I envy those people who have tv shows come to their homes and completely clean and renovate the whole house in just a couple of days. I wish they'd do my house.

No, actually I think it's best I do it myself. Otherwise I might die from boredom.