Monday, December 24, 2007

grieving christmas

It doesn't feel like Christmas. There isn't the joy and the anticipation. No warm fuzzies. Just a cloud overshadowing the whole thing, threatening to burst a cold and icy rain. Maybe I want it too much, maybe I'm trying too hard, but the more I want to feel Christmas, the more it slips away.

There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly a sense of loss. Grief is a sneeky thing. It comes on strong, quietly slips away, and then pounces when you least expect it. And I know that it does not like to be ignored. It is persistent. It hovers, stands over your shoulder, pulls at your sleeve until it is acknowledged and given the attention it needs.

So while everyone is opening their gifts and greeting all with a 'Merry Christmas,' I will smile and play along, but in my mind I will be tending a broken heart.


Anonymous said...

I can only hope I manage to give a couple words of support.

Do you recall in the old testament when Sarah died and Abraham grieved? Anytime I think of loss and grieving, I remember that because it tells me that no matter how close we are to God, we are still human and God understands that we need to grieve. When you let yourself grieve, remember it is all part of being a person and no one on heaven or earth should think less of you.

Recovering Soul said...


aphron said...

Christmas is always a bit of a downer. The year's anticipation doesn't pay off. If someone has grief issues on top of that, it can be difficult. Sorry to hear about your depression. Hope it turns around.

Phyllis Renée said...

SM - I know I should let myself grieve. The hard thing is finding the time, especially during the holidays when there are so many people around (that I've not seen in a year).

RS - Yeah, that's pretty much the way I feel.

Aphron - Thank you. I know things will get better and I will get through this.

XI Summit said...

I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time. For different reasons I also do not personally get 'holiday spirit' these days.


Little Town Big Life said...

Oh dear Phyllis, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I didn't read til today, but I will be saying a prayer that your grief is short.

I know how it sneaks up on you. When my son left the house last night, I felt my heart ache for him. His wife left him in June, and he just seemed so "lost".

I just told my husband, "next year will be better". That was the best I could come up with.

But, Phyllis, remember sadness lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning. In our case, joy comes from the morningstar-the one we celebrate. Ask him to answer the door of grief for you; to take your heart and give it that "peace that passes understanding"--he is faithful, and he grieves with you and for you. Turn it over to him, and he'll walk through with you.

In the meantime, my prayers are surrounding you.