Monday, April 06, 2009

the "new" kind of man

From time to time I've shared some things with my loyal following (all 12 of you) from our current culture. (Follow the label below to read other posts on culture.) Recently I came across a term I hadn't heard before (but has been around for at least five years) and, of course, I had to research it.

The term? Retrosexual. Now, at first, I thought it had to do with old-fashioned (not to be confused with boring) sex between a man and a woman. Turns out it is a term that refers to one who is a "real man" and proud of it. From the information I could find, the following is the Retrosexual Manifesto by Grau Magus (who apparently had a blog at one time called "Frizzen Sparks," but I was unable to find it.).

A Retrosexual man:

- no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

- opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that only loosely fit that term, because they are biologically female.

- DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

- only eats red meat; he often kills it himself.

- doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still reading, learning, growing and can manage a drink now and again, I salute you. If you are still having sex with your wife, you are a legend.

- does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly two endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

- does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic or Abercrombie when he's 30 years old.

- should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

- watches no TV show with "Queer" or "Queen" in the title.

- does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

- should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

- is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT, and, when you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

- will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

- knows how to tie a Windsor or half Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor style knot.

- should have at least one good wound that he can brag about.

- knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a hole straight, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

- knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up."

- Crying: There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a good bird dog, loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck or Jeep.

- When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you low-life" look on his face.

- A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

- will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married, engaged or in a serious healthy relationship, e.g., hunting, fishing, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, or occasional drink.

- knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

- can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his vehicle in a snow bank.

- can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darned well wanted it to land. Except on his truck --that would happen only because of a "force of nature," and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both.

- will give up his seat on a bus to not only any woman but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

- doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

- doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

8 comments:

Desmond Jones said...

Gosh, Phyl, where I come from, that's just called being a man.

And even in the areas where you aren't so 'manly' (I've never been terribly well-versed in the care and use of firearms, for example), we could at least acknowledge the deficit, and aspire to do better. . .

Phyllis Renée said...

Oh, that's what I think is so funny about this, that it's a "new" kind of man.

Ben said...

good list.

for a different kind of girl said...

Perhaps this is equally well classified under the label - 'everything old is new again'!

Sailor said...

Works for me, don't think it's much "new"... more traditional, as far as I can tell.

On that note... Since when do men NOT give up a seat???? I HATE seeing that, especially if there are two or more women, and I only have one seat!

Therese in Heaven said...

I'm glad I married a retrosexual.

Xavier said...

Huh, so I was Retrosexual when Retrosexual wasn't cool? Go figure ....

Xavier said...

Wait, that shoulda been: DEAL WITH IT!