Thursday, April 30, 2009

*get a hanky

There's this really miraculous thing that happened to me. Something that I really wanted to happen, but never thought it would and is just so marvelous that I'm not even sure I can verbalize it. But one day (I can't even say exactly when) my daughter and I became friends.

My Mom and I were never really friends. We were more like coworkers who merely tolerate each other. You know, the "I have to work with you, but I don't have to like you." We had our good moments and before she died we became closer. I was able to love her and feel compassion for her, forgive her and respect her. But, still, we weren't really friends.

Brandi is now twenty years old and no longer living at home. Now some might feel that's the reason for this miraculous friendship. But I disagree. Somehow we became friends before. Somehow the mother/daughter disagreements didn't destroy us. Somehow we were able to overcome bitterness and resentment.

This was most apparent to me the other night. I took her out to the big discount warehouse home improvement center to get some flowers to plant on her balcony. As we walked down the aisles of rows and rows of flowers, she took my hand. Suddenly, she was a little girl again, taking my hand as we crossed the street -- she trusts me. Suddenly, she was taking my hand as we faced a crisis together -- she needs me. Suddenly, she was taking my hand as we shared an inside joke -- she likes me. And I realized she is this wonderful, beautiful woman who is not only my daughter but also my friend.

I love you, Sweet Pea!


Cocotte said...

I also feel blessed to be friends with my 19 yo daughter. We just "get" each other. I also was never friends with my own mother. It's been a tough relationship that I don't even like to talk about.

Glad it happened for you, PR!

Desmond Jones said...

That's great, Phyllis!

Of course, the dynamic is a different one with fathers. I've always had a pretty darn good relationship with my dad; the same isn't true for all of my brothers.

Molly's relationship with her mom is pretty much like you describe - they're just great friends, and they 'get' each other. Molly's relationship w/ 1F is a good one, but it has had its moments of pain. Her relationship w/ 2F isn't bad, but it's more conflicted than 1F's is. And 6F is just coming into her teen years, so it remains to be seen what the fallout from that is gonna be. . .

for a different kind of girl said...

What a gift to have a relationship like that with your daughter. I truly, truly hope that when my boys are grown and have moved out, they'll feel they can love and trust me as a friend above and beyond my role as their mother. I love my mom, and that is mutual, but there is very much the sense that we have a casual relationship more than the friend relationship. It would never cross either of our minds to demonstrate our closeness the way your daughter did, and I wish that wasn't the case, but I'm not sure how to break through and change it.

Kristi said...

My mom and I had a very tumultuous relationship for years. We were too much alike, and resented each other for it. She saw what she hated about herself in me, and was very hard on me. In turn, I resented her and swore to be different. When I went through my first big heartbreak, however, I learned how much she really loved me. I was 18. that's the first time I remember truly connecting to my mom in a beautiful way. She would have done anything to protect me, and I realized that.

My mom was not close to her mom either. I could get into a lot of psychological babble, but suffice it to say that one day I realized that my mom wasn't always my mom. She used to be young, full of dreams, full of hope for the future. And she gave up some of that for the family she has. And I felt so much more appreciative of her.


This is a sweet touching post...the forever facinating dynamic among mothers & daughters indeed!I must say that you are a great writer darling! ~Lovely weekend*