respite

I've reached a time in my life when I have to let go of my children and it has become clear to me, more than ever, how difficult that is going to be. They are making their own choices (that I completely disagree with) that are completely out my hands. It's so strange to now, after years of guiding, instructing, controlling, to suddenly just let go and let them fly on their own. It's heart-wrenching.

So, next weekend I've planned a little trip to Los Angeles. Now, normally, I wouldn't even consider something like this, but it's an emergency. It's either go to L.A. for the weekend or stay here and go absolutely mad! So many stresses here and no end in sight, I need some time away to clear my head. Like when you're working on something and you just can't figure it out. So you set it down and come back to it later, with a much clearer head, and somehow it all falls into place.

Hopefully, that is what will happen with this little trip. Hopefully, I will come back with a better outlook: that I shouldn't be, don't have to be, doing everything for my kids; that they are more than capable of taking care of themselves (though they might have a difficult time doing so); and that it is best for them, though painful for me, to let them go.

There's a song, by Susan Ashton, that keeps playing in my head these days:

When I was nurtured in your nest
You held my hand
For that I owe you so much
And those memories are mine
And I will never loose them
But now these tender wings are dry
But I'll never learn to fly
If you don't let me use them . . .

So hold me in your dreams
Hold me in your thoughts
Hold me in your prayers
And hold me in your heart and . . .

Let me go
Let me live
Or die a fool's death

Let me laugh
Let me cry
Let me learn the hard way

Let me grow
Let me go
I am standing at the crossroads
Looking on my life
So many choices to make
But I must choose

The hardest part of all of this is I keep wondering: where is the line between being selfish and being a good parent? Letting go feels like abandoning rather than empowering. Leaving feels self-indulgent rather than self-sacrificing. But I know, for balance, I must do things that are just for me. I have to take care of myself body, mind, and spirit. I have to keep reminding myself I'm not running away, I'm just taking a break . . . for a weekend . . . for me.