Tuesday, March 07, 2006


Over the past four months I've gone through the most difficult, most stressful, most heartbreaking time of my life. And yet, for some reason only known to God, I am still here.

I've gone through some hard times before: the death of my younger brother, my nephew, and my Mother. But none of that compared to finding my son lying on the floor with a plastic bag over his head. Thankfully it wasn't fatal, but it has completely torn my world apart.

Since then I've been trying to put my life back together and getting my son back on the right track. But instead of gaining control I found myself losing it. The more I would think I had it all together, the more I felt it slipping through my fingers.

Then last week two people, two completely different people, gave me a good slap in the face with the truth. In not so many words, they told me I was not only hurting them, but I was not helping my son as much as I was, in the long run, hurting him. I was helping too much.

My stress level has been through the roof. Though some days are better than others, it's been a roller coaster ride of emotions. The more I thought I was taking care of everyone else, I now see I was merely being selfish trying to control everything and everyone.

Today I am determined to make a much needed change. I am letting go and taking back my life. The Bible teaches this principle, but I never understood it as completely as I do today. I'm not in control of anything, never was and never will be. But I believe in a Sovereign God, who was and is and forever will be.

I never had any intention of writing about any of this. Maybe a vague comment here or there, but never an all out admission of what I'm really going through. But, as with other times in my life, I've been reminded that we are slaves to those things which we keep hidden. Freedom can only come when we allow every part of our lives to enter the light. Bringing things to the open keeps us accountable. It reminds us that what we do affects others and not just ourselves. It gives an opening for others to come in to console, comfort, and care for us when we can't care for ourselves.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but it will always set you free.

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