surrender

My life has transitioned so many times, sometimes I forget where it started. But I have never forgotten what I envisioned my life would be and that's the problem. Instead of living in the moment, content with what I had (or didn't), I was always looking for what I thought was missing. Pursuing whatever it was I thought would make me happy. I never was very materialistic. I never wanted a big house, designer clothes and all that. What I wanted was a perfect marriage. My dream was to one day marry the perfect man who would love me perfectly and we would live perfectly ever after. It never occured to me that we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world.

In my teens I was never without a boyfriend; my identity depended on being "with" someone. I married at 17 and had my first child at 18. I wanted to be happy, but was young and easily distracted. My marriage became hostile and abusive and at 21 I was divorced, vowing not to marry again until I was at least 25. (I realized I was too young, but I didn't know how much more I needed to mature). Five years and eight months later, a litter older and not much wiser, I was married and had my second child.

It has taken 17 years to give up the dream of the perfect marriage. And it's not that I've given up as though I've lost. I finally realized that all the problems came from my fantasy of what marriage should be. I was continually comparing everything with what I thought it should be instead of just accepting it for the way it is. There was a constant struggle; I was always trying to force my husband into being someone he could never be -- someone else. Once I stopped doing that everything changed. I changed. My attitude changed. My frustration diffused.

Now I'm not saying that everything is perfect. Everyday I have to work on not letting the dreamy-eyed teenager rise up and throw a fit because she's not getting her way. But I have surrendered the dream.

Surrender
Barlow Girl

My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am

Now You're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

"Surrender. Surrender," You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see?
My dreams are me.
My dreams are me

You say You have a plan for me
And that You want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What You can do with
One that's committed to Your calling

I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?''

"Surrender. Surrender,"
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.
"Surrender . . . "