Friday, May 01, 2009

guard my mouth

Tonight RL and I are going to a comedy club with some friends. I'm expecting it to be fun. I'm expecting we'll all have a good time. I'm expecting I won't have a chance to make a fool of myself or say or do something that I'll totally regret later.

Sometimes I lie in bed after being at some kind of gathering with friends or family or, worse, people I don't know very well at all and realize what a complete idiot I was. All the stupid things I said. All the times I tried too hard to be funny and fell on my face. All the times I interrupted someone and changed the subject and they had that look on their face that reflected how hurt they were, but they were better than me because they didn't need all the attention.

It's not quite as bad these days. I spent so many nights tossing and turning and torturing myself reliving nights as those that I determined not to be that way anymore. I was so determined I would rehearse not being that way in my head before going out. I would ask God not to let me make a fool of myself. I would remind myself when meeting a friend for lunch not to dominate the conversation. I've even been known to literally put my hand over my own mouth while speaking, because I knew something was about to fly out of it that shouldn't.

Sometimes it even works. Sometimes I get home and think, "That was fun. I had a good time." Then other times I lie in bed and something I said or did will pop into my head and I'll think, "What the crap?" Or I'll realize I said something to someone that could've been taken the wrong way and I'll pray they didn't. But I'll remember the look on their face when I said it and realize they probably did. And I'll hate myself and toss and turn and not be able sleep. If I do sleep, I'll wake up feeling pretty good about life and then remember what happened the night before and wish I could go back to sleep and forget.

But I'm excited about tonight and optimistic. We'll see........


luke said...

wow, yeah - I've totally been there.

I think it's lots of effort to be self-aware without being self-centered, y'know?

for a different kind of girl said...

Been there, too, so, you know, that just gives me hope that everyone else I've ever been around when I've felt like a fool later is also thinking and worrying about the same thing, too. That right there takes a bit of the pressure off!

Go out and have a great time!

Anonymous said...

If we ever meet, I hope you just be yourself completely, even if it means dominating the conversation and letting our your own brand of jokes.

Other than that, I hope that when you get home tonight you look at yourself and say you had a really good time and smile about it.

Jeff said...

So, how was it? Was it fun? Was it funny? Did you say something you shouldn't have?