Wednesday, February 18, 2009

never give up

You know when you're in a marathon and you're running along thinking, "Wow! I just might actually finish this race!" And then all of a sudden, BAM! You "hit the wall." No? I haven't run a marathon, but I have hit the wall.

Last Thursday, while I was studying (like I do anything else -- sheesh!), I came across a problem that I could not figure out. It was so extremely frustrating, because I knew it was something I should already know. But I kept reading these same two paragraphs and I might as well have been reading Chinese; it made absolutely no sense!

To make matters worse, I started crying. Really. Big drops of tears were streaming down my face right onto the pages of the book I was trying to read. I began to frantically wipe my eyes, my face, my book all the while hoping the guys wouldn't notice. Yep. I was at work. I finally composed myself and was able to talk to the two guys on my crew about my frustrations and later I talked to RL and it was unanimous: I needed a break from studying.

For the next four days I didn't crack a book. Everytime I even thought about one of the problems or the exam I would quickly dismiss it and think about something else. I was determined to give myself a break and, dang it, I deserved it!

Yesterday I started back with a little reading and a little review. This morning I was back at it with enthusiasm. Then out of nowhere, BAM! Another wall. "CRAP!!! This is driving me crazy!" And I began to wonder if all this stress is even worth it. You know, I'm not going to get a pay raise or anything like that if I pass the exam. It's not really going to make any difference one way or another. I began to question why I was even putting myself through all of this -- aside from the non-refundable $125 examination fee.

Here's the deal: If I told you all I had decided not to take the exam it really wouldn't be that big of a deal to you, but it would be completely humiliating to me. But if I take the exam and fail, well at least I can say I tried. Because, let's face it, if I don't pass there is no way I'm going to put myself through all of this for another 6 months and take the exam over. I know myself too well. When it's over, it's over.

When you train for your first marathon they tell you not to worry about you time, just finish. So that's what I'm doing. At this point I'm not too concerned whether I pass or fail, I just want to make it to the finish line.

9 comments:

Desmond Jones said...

Hey, welcome back to blog-space, Phyllis!

You know, when I was in high school, it happened to me a few times, when I was really studying hard, and 'hit the wall', that I said 'the hell with it' and went to bed. . . And then dreamt the answer. Which was really REALLY cool, except that then I had to remember to wake up and write it down. . .

But you know, that's pretty good advice generally - when you 'hit the wall' like that, just step away, even for 20 minutes to 'clear your mind'. Obsessing over it isn't generally helpful. . .

Cocotte said...

When's D-Day??

Phyllis Renée said...

April 25th

Buttafly32681 said...

Been there, done that. With hitting the wall, that is. Hope you get through this! You're a strong person, I know you can!
Good Luck honey!

So Gone Over You said...

Take breaks when you need them and just try your hardest with the exam - that's all you can do! Good luck!!!

Xavier said...

Hang in there and be sure to take regular breaks.

For me, when I hit a wall I either move on or go back to something that 'made sense' and often the wall falls down when I'm not looking ... not quite desmonds dream-solution, but it works for me!

PorkStar said...

im training for half a marathon for September.. actually i have the good intentions of training for it.. : ) Should be fun

flutterby said...

Sometimes changing up your study-style helps with the wall... sometimes a study partner is a good thing.

Sounds like you're working hard, Phyllis. I'm sure you'll do great. :)

Summer Rose said...

{{BIG HUGS}} You will get through this like every commenter before me take breaks in between I have a team writing assignment that is due this week. I haven't even started my portion, since I got my part of the assignment on thursday.
S.R.