Friday, July 06, 2007

the real story

I started this blog to write about whatever quirky, inquisitive, perplexing thing popped into my head (which is quite often). But it seems there has been so much personal crap going on in my life, I haven't really wanted to just lay my broken heart out for everyone to see. To be real honest, I don't know that anyone would really want to hear about all of it. That's why I've posted more pictures than actually writing anything. But I'm feeling pretty lonely and depressed right now and maybe getting it off my chest will help.

For one, my son isn't speaking to me. He hasn't answered my calls and I haven't talked to him in about two months. I hear things about what's going on in his life from my dad, but that in itself is very depressing. I mean, I don't talk to my dad that often and he doesn't call me, so I have to make myself call him to find out anything that might be going on with my son. Of course, my dad talks to my son on practically a daily basis. The biggest thing that upset me about all of this is that I missed my son's graduation (he is now a medical assistant). When my dad did talk to me about it (after the fact) he told me how they took lots of pictures and my son was awarded Most Outstanding Student and wonderful things like that. Well, of course, that just made it all the worse for me. But I am trying to remind myself that it doesn't matter if my son ever talks to me again. If he's alive and happy, then that's all that really matters.

Then there is my daughter. She's 18 now and never at home. She drives me crazy, because she has become quite the party animal. She doesn't work enough hours to pay her bills and she seems to have no real plan for her life. Sure, she talks about going to college in the Fall, but she hasn't done anything towards getting enrolled. I really don't know what she's thinking and she sure doesn't tell me. Usually all I hear from her is, "Okay, I'm outa here."

But the thing that has really been hard on me is my husband is out of town all the time. Since January he's been gone during the week and home on the weekends. The only time that was different was right before and right after we went on vacation. He's gone now and I'm sick of it. Here we are in the "empty nest" years (for the most part) and I'm sitting at home by myself. Now, granted, I don't have to do that, but I'm just not the going-out-running-around type. Sure, I have friends I could have dinner with or go see a movie. But, you know, I'm outside all day long and in the evenings I just like to stay at home and relax. I just never thought I was going to have to spend the prime of my life by myself.

I try to make the most of the weekends when my husband is home. But there's that nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me he'll be leaving Monday morning. It's gotten so bad that every time I hear an airplane fly over I hear my mind saying, "I hate planes!"
So I told myself I would get out more. I enrolled in a photography class at the community college. I bought a bunch of flowers to plant in my garden. I try to come up with anything that will keep me and my mind busy. But the reality is I'm still alone and everything I do, I do alone. And it sucks!

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