Phyllis Renée

death of a season

2010-04-30T16:30:00.001-05:00

I had a talk with the man in the moon.
He said the winds would be changing soon.
I asked him why it must be this way
He said, "Be patient and you'll find out someday.
The seasons change and with it comes
Other changes under the sun.
Some things die and others are born.
Some are mended, some are torn.
Once there was war, now there is peace.
What was silent now can speak.
What was thrown out, now you'll keep.
What made you laugh makes you weep.
What has been killed will now heal.
The love you had is now hate you feel.
You've planted seeds and built a wall,
Now uproot the weeds and let it fall,
For the griefs you've embraced and the wounds you've held close
Now turn to dancing as your stone heart lets go."
Then the man in the moon said I must count the cost
If I am to keep searching or give it up for lost.

© PR: 02.06.02
From Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)

because He lives

2010-04-04T05:44:00.006-05:00

One of my favorite songs from my childhood;
pretty much says it all.

it's all about the -ing

2010-03-29T11:09:00.003-05:00

Spring makes me happy. Not just the weather; the cool mornings and warm days motivate and inspire me. But mostly it's the colors. Green, I've mentioned before, is my favorite color, and in the spring it is accompanied by purple. Well, it is around here, anyway. Purple budding trees and flowers alongside new green grass. It just about makes me giddy. Unfortunately, all this glorious color, motivation, and giddiness doesn't fend off the depression.

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I've been taking note of when the darkness comes, but I've also been trying to notice what keeps it away. One thing I've found is if I keep reading I don't get so depressed. When I finish a book it's good for me to start another one fairly soon. Reading keeps me from thinking. Thinking gets me too concerned about myself and how miserable I can be sometimes. For instance, Sunday I slept most of the day. I'd get up every couple hours and eat a little, then go back to bed. That went on until 4:30 in the afternoon, when I made myself get up and stay up. I thought about starting a new book, but by that point I was too far down to concentrate. So I watched movies on the Hallmark channel until it was time for bed.

Another thing I've found that helps keep my mind off myself and out of depression is thinking about others. Actually, not just thinking about them, but doing things for them. My friend, Michelle, has been sick and I had planned to take her out for breakfast. But she had a rough night and wasn't feeling up to it. I should have called someone else right then, but I didn't and not having someone to take care of left me feeling empty.

Also, probably the most obvious, is writing. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get the crazy stuff out of my head. Someone told me recently they liked my writing because it's honest. I'm not sure what that means exactly. I mean, can someone write dishonestly? I just write down what's in my head. I write the way I talk. It's kind of like talking to someone who isn't there. (That's not at all crazy, huh?) I want to tell them my story, or whatever, and I'm not going to lie. It has everything to do with my need to be understood. I figure if I can explain myself people won't think I'm so crazy. And that makes me happy and keeps me out of bed.

through the seasons

2010-03-23T08:29:00.002-05:00

Snow flakes fall, fluttering down like a million butterflies, landing soft as kisses on my eyes, my cheek, my lips.

Gentle breezes wrap around me as warm loving arms to quiet my fears.

Bright sunlight shines down on me as glowing hot embers igniting my soul.

Autumn leaves of orange, yellow, and red fall and collect at my feet in a colorful mound of beautiful memories.

pr: 2010

question

2010-03-22T13:36:00.002-05:00

What was the purpose of the Tree of The Knowledge of Good and Evil? Why did God place it in the Garden of Eden if He didn't want Adam and Eve to eat the fruit?

the whole long drawn out story

2010-03-21T08:16:00.003-05:00

For Valentine's Day, I had scheduled an afternoon for myself at the spa. Thirty minute massage, manicure, pedicure -- all the things that make you feel good without the guilt or weight gain. RL was out of town, so I decided there wasn't any reason to waste a perfectly good excuse to have him pay for a relaxing day at the spa -- so I made the appointment. And just because he ended up coming home 2 weeks early didn't mean I was canceling either. Good thing. While the masseuse was doing her magic, she found a lump in the middle of my back. "Do you have a cyst?" "No, I don't think ... what the crap?" The next day I called the doctor and made an appointment.

It wasn't a big lump, maybe the size of a small pecan (that's puh-con not pee-can) and I've had lumps show up here and there before. One on the side of my neck, just below my ear, was about the size of a pea and removed several years ago. I've even found lumps in my legs (I know that sounds really awful, but you can't see them -- there's too much ... um ... fatty tissue covering them) and the doctor has always asked, "Do they hurt?" "Well, only if I push down on them." "It's not cancer then. Cancer doesn't hurt." But I haven't had those (yes, plural) removed, because I've got enough hail damage and stretch marks on my legs, I don't need scars on them too. So, anyway, I wasn't too worried (at least, that's what I kept telling myself) about the new lump and when RL asked, as he was leaving for work, if he should go to the doctor with me, I assured him it was no big deal and I'd be fine.

But sitting alone in the doctor's office, waiting for what seemed an hour, but was actually only about 15 minutes, the thoughts started running through my head. The bad thoughts. The thoughts you're not supposed to think, because you'll get yourself all worked up over nothing. And then my doctor came in, checked my back, sat down in her little chair on rollers, and looked up at me. "Well, what we can do is take x-rays and find out immediately if it's cancer." She might as well have hit me in the stomach. I sucked my breath in, "Ok." Then she asked, "Does it hurt?" "No." "Hmmm . . . well, we can find out right away." Within 30 minutes or so the x-rays showed everything was clear. No large white mass indicating cancer. The next step was to make an appointment with a surgeon, let him check it out, and have the lump removed.

The waiting was the hard part. Two weeks isn't a long time, but it is when you have an overactive imagination. I kept telling myself it would be fine, there wasn't anything to worry about, the doctor assured me it was not a big deal, he performs this procedure "all the time." But I don't get cut on all the time and just the thought of being "put to sleep" scares the hell out of me.

When the day finally came, I was calm on the outside and a nervous wreck on the inside. And just as we were leaving for the hospital I reminded RL, if I died on the operating table, not to buy me an expensive casket and make sure people don't waste their money on flowers, but make a donation to a charity. I'm weird like that. But, you know, things happen and I wanted to make sure it was said.

Of course, everything went smoothly and I only had a minor breakdown just before I "went under." The surgeon and his staff were great about it, though, and I fell asleep with the feeling these complete strangers genuinely cared for me. Thirty minutes later (amazingly) I woke up and it was all over. I was still alive. I survived.

forget blue mondays

2010-03-18T09:24:00.003-05:00

First, let me say this post is probably going to be all over the place. I'm having a particularly bad day. For instance, as I was just about to leave the house this morning I spilled coffee all over me, had to completely change clothes, and was almost late for an appointment with the surgeon. (Just a follow-up and, yes, everything is fine. Also, I'm still working on the post about all that.) So forgive me if I'm not my usual "jolly" self.

For the past month or so I've been trying to take note of when I feel the darkness creeping up on me. And I discovered Thursdays are bad days for me. What's up with that? And this week I thought I was doing very well. I've been in fairly good spirits all week and then this morning it sneaked up on me.

Ok, that's not completely true. I was aware there could be a possibility of a meltdown, because it's Jeremy's birthday and ... Well, I don't want to get into that right now. But, anyway, I thought I was going to be ok with it, but not so much.

It surprised me a little, though, because my "creative juices" have really been flowing. Over the past four days I've written a few poems and started working on some ideas for about three books I want to write. Really. Three. Books. One of which I'll be writing with Brandi. (We are extremely excited about that!!)

When I woke up this morning, I was caught a little off guard when I felt those creepy crawly fingers tapping me on the shoulder. I was expecting to have the strength to tell the thing to just shut the hell up and leave me alone. But I didn't. I don't.

At this moment there is only one gleaming bit of sunshine ... I will hold on ... It is enough.

just a little rant

2010-03-12T06:39:00.003-06:00

Yes, I'm giving advanced warning: This is a rant. But a rant with a happy ending. Well, maybe not happy, but at least there is a conclusion. I try hard not to rant through this medium, because this is a semi-anonymous blog and my friends and family read this. Even RL reads this from time to time. So I try to remain accountable for what I say -- you know, protect the innocent and all that. And now you've had fair warning and sufficient time to click over to some other blog to read a light-hearted account of ... whatever.

Some of you know I had surgery this week. A small procedure. Not a big deal. (I'm working on a post about that, by the way.) And though I am feeling great and only cringe slightly when I make sudden movements, the recovery process has been less than wonderful. There are certain things I expected during this recovery period that didn't happen and I feel let down. To be specific, I expected my family to do things for me that just didn't happen.

The surgery was Tuesday afternoon, so in the getting-my-house-in-order phase I did what I could to prepare for the days I wouldn't be capable of doing much of anything. Honestly, there were a lot more things I could've done, but just getting the laundry caught up and the dishes washed made me feel as though I were on top of things around here.

But here it is Friday, and as I walked into the kitchen this morning there was a foul (probably fowl) smell coming from the overflowing kitchen trash. Seriously! Why hasn't anyone taken it out? What are they waiting for? And as I went about making the morning coffee, stacking dishes and clearing a space for the coffee pot, I realized dirty dishes had been piling up since Tuesday morning.

I got mad. Infuriated. What are these people thinking?! If they had just had surgery or were sick or whatever and couldn't do things they normally do, I would pick up the slack. I would do whatever was necessary to make them feel comfortable and make sure they felt I was taking care of them. I would make sure they knew they didn't have to do anything and the only thing they had to be concerned with was feeling better.

Moments later, feeling all good about myself and how wonderful I would be as their care-giver, I realized I had fallen into an old habit: expecting people to be someone other than themselves. See, the more I thought about what I would do the more infuriated I became that they aren't like me. Not that I'm better than them, but that's what I was thinking. But I'm not better; I'm just different. I look at things differently. I do things differently. I behave differently. I am me and they are them (or something like that). And when I expect people to be themselves I won't be disappointed.

So now I'm going to clean the kitchen and take out the trash and feel good about having the ability and energy to accomplish something today . . . because that's how I am. :)

tree

2010-03-10T07:26:00.005-06:00

A strong and tall tree,
Branches reaching out; roots deep,
Gives shelter and hope.

pr: 2010

silence

2010-03-02T13:27:00.003-06:00

I wait for you to say something ...
Anything to hear your voice.
But there's no sign of things changing
I never really had a choice
To understand what we've become.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Can you read between the lines?
How can I keep going
When the silence defines
What we've become?
There's no end, only a beginning ...
Tomorrow or the next day.
I just keep waiting,
Waiting to hear you say --
Explain to me what we've become.

pr: 2010

anonymous commenter

2010-02-24T18:54:00.000-06:00

I've been blogging for almost five years now and one thing that I find very interesting are the anonymous comments. Why are they anonymous? Who are they, really? Why bother leaving a comment if they're not even going to leave their name?? And why would I even care what they have to say if I don't know who they are?

Take this one for instance:

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
Nice. But since I don't know them, why do I care what they think of my blog?

Then there are the slightly creepy ones like this:

Anonymous said...: You aren't aware that I also read your blog and know where you live? And that "RL" is out of town? (As though "RL" actually exists...)
Now, granted, it's probably one of my regular readers who is just trying to be funny (and I have my suspicions as to who it really is). But the first time I read it I was a little freaked.

Then there are just the completely bizarre anonymous comments:

Anonymous said...: consequently aliae parameters operate lalfkk kcaaen feeds poised anderson blunt andheri lolikneri havaqatsu

What kind of drugs are these people taking . . . and how can I get some?

This next comment was in response to my Chairman of the Bored post:

Anonymous said...: I'm surprised at the fact that the few comments are all on the T-shirt; none on the title.
And, googling the title would have thrown up lyrics by others on the same theme (though perhaps not titled so). Or even a joke site: ChairmanOfTheBored.co.UK.
But it actually goes way back - to Charlie Chaplin, in his filming days. In one of his shorts, he's a janitor, cleaning the Board room before a meeting. He plunks himself in the Chairman's seat and imitates, as only Charlie can, The Chairman of the Bored.
Hope you get a chance one day to see that!

A very nice comment, huh? A like it. Does this person have their own blog, because I'd like to see it. Sounds like an interesting person. But, no. No name, no link, no nothing.

Then there's this one in response to a Fashion Police post:

Anonymous said...: What's wrong? She looks fantastic! And no, I'm not fat, so I'm not just saying it to pacify her. In fact I fall under the size zero category.
sh

Um, ok. She falls under the size zero category . . . if I was under a size zero I'd be posting my name, my picture, my phone number. Ok. Maybe not my phone number, but you know what I mean. Why is her identity a secret if she's willing to announce her dress size??

And then there's this one from one of my latest posts:

オテモヤン said...

オナニー
逆援助
フェラチオ
ソープ
逆援助
出張ホスト
手コキ
おっぱい
フェラチオ
中出し
セックス
デリヘル
包茎
逆援
性欲

OMG!! Somebody please translate this! What the crap?

So, while I appreciate all comments -- Really, I do. Especially now that there are so few commenting these days. -- Please at least leave a first name. Gaw!!

anything

2010-02-20T11:30:00.014-06:00

If I could give you anything
I would give you peace;
A quiet place to rest and
Breathe in the grace and beauty.
I would give you hope;
The words to give you strength
To help you on your journey.

If I could give you anything
I would give you joy;
All your heart's desire and
All that fills your dreams.
I would give you love;
The warmth that fills my heart,
Like a gentle summer stream.

pr: 2010

grocery pick up

2010-02-18T19:38:00.004-06:00

Have I mentioned I hate shopping? Really. The only time it's enjoyable is when I'm alone -- except when I'm with my daughter. And even then I can only stand a couple of hours. After that I turn into a . . . Well, anyway, I particularly hate grocery shopping. But something happened a few weeks ago that, at least, made it a bit more interesting.

It was just before the last big snow storm we were supposed to have. RL was out of town (big surprise) and Brandi's rarely at home , so I just needed a few things to get me through the weekend. You know, canned soup, bread, milk, lots of munchies. Oh, and coffee! Had to get coffee.

Everyone in town was expecting the worst, so the store was hit hard. Nearly all the produce was gone; there weren't any canned tomatoes; and the only canned soup that was left was the low sodium healthy stuff, which was alright, because that's what I wanted anyway.

So, I'm walking down the canned soup aisle, trying to decide which tasty low sodium healthy soups I wanted and this guy wheels his cart up beside mine and says, "Looks like they got hit pretty hard." Well, yeah, it was kind of a shock to see the shelves mostly bare. And the fact that some stranger was mentioning it to me didn't seem that unusual, because people tend to get a little friendlier in times of pending disaster. (Ok, it wasn't that bad, but you know what I mean.)

I said something quite clever like, "Yeah, not much left, huh?" Because, you know, I'm so clever like that. We continued this clever conversation for about another excruciating 30 seconds and then I went on with my picking and choosing. Then I headed to the coffee aisle. (CanNOT forget the coffee!!)

Seems this guy that was worried about the lack of can goods remaining in the store also needed coffee. That or he was following me. I didn't really want to think about that and tried not to let it show that I was a little unnerved that he was, once again, on the same aisle with me. I picked up the two pound canister of Folgers 1/2 Caff (because I'm cutting down on caffeine) and placed it in my cart. The guy was standing right next to me with his cart headed in the opposite direction and was talking about I don't know what. All I'm thinking about is how do I get away from him without just coming right out and saying, "Get the hell away from me, you freak!"

Turns out I have this nervous little habit that seemed to really turn him off. Before I knew what was happening he was gone. I just stood there thinking, "Dang! What did I say?" And then I realized I was spinning my wedding ring around my finger.

Ha! I'll have to remember that!!

if only*

2010-02-15T15:57:00.005-06:00

“There are those of us who are always about to live.
We are waiting until things change, until there is more time,
until we are less tired, until we get a promotion,
until we settle down, until, until, until. It always seems as if
there is some major event that must occur in our lives
before we begin living.”
George Sheehan

Why is it that we think our happiness depends on whether or not specific events take place in our lives or if we have certain things. Now, you might be better at this than I am, but I have a tendency to think I'll be happy "if only [insert any number of things that have not yet happened]," then I'd be happy.

When I was a teenager I thought I'd be happy if only I were old enough to move out of my parent's house. Then it was if only I were married, if only I had a baby, if only I had married someone else. After the divorce and I had been a single mom for a few years it changed to if only I was married again. It seemed I was never happy. Even after RL and I got married the if only's continued. If only we had a house, if only he didn't work nights, if only he'd go to church with me, if only . . . . I don't know how he stayed with me! I was never satisfied. There was always something that needed to take place before I could be happy.

I don't remember the specific event that took place or if it was just a combination of events, but I finally realized that happiness is a choice. It is being content with and grateful for life the way it is at any given moment. Sure, we plan, we save, we invest for the future. But we will never be happy living in the future. Happiness only comes by living in the moment and then only by finding something to be happy about. Because there's that nasty human tendency to only see what we don't have instead of being thankful, content, happy with what we do.

*Re-posted from November, 2007

olive green

2010-02-07T11:25:00.009-06:00

In an old abandoned house
Many troubles have been seen
Behind the broken windows
Painted trim of olive green
No one seems to have ever lived here
No one's been around for years
Only one things stands out
The door is stained with tears
Outside there's possibilities
For its worth to be restored
But inside the house is damaged
Too many years it's been ignored
It will take some time
To give it the attention that it needs
This old abandoned house
Painted trim of olive green

PR: 02.13.02

inspiration

2010-02-06T12:16:00.008-06:00

I'm inspired to write today. About what, I'm not sure. It may merely be a distraction from the essay I need to write about how the U.S. elects a president. It may be a caffeine high from too much coffee this morning and too little food. It may even be from a late night chat I had with a friend I reconnected with on Facebook. Regardless, I want to write.

Obviously, the last several posts may have seemed to be filler (phyller?), but I can assure you they were not. The past month I haven't been able to focus and the things that have filled my mind, screaming to be released, have not made their way out in the forms of my own words. The songs, the poems, the philosophies of others have come to my rescue as I've wandered around in my own brain searching for a complete thought.

Yesterday I analyzed all I've been feeling lately, all the emotions that I've experienced on the roller coaster ride that is my life at the moment. This is what I came up with (in no particular order): anxiety, fear, betrayal, confusion, dismay, hopelessness, anger, despair, disgust, loneliness, surprise, happiness, elation, patience, excitement, satisfaction, love.

Now, thinking about all of that, there's a lump in my throat. Does that ever happen to you? You know, that tight choking feeling you get in your throat because of some strong emotion. I've felt it at other times in my life, but it started happening more frequently after Mom died. Now it's back again with a vengeance! A daily occurrence -- a sorrow that wells up in my throat to the point that I'm not sure I can breathe. But I do. Breathe. Deep. And the lump begins to melt, though not completely.

If you've been reading my blog for any time at all, you must have already seen the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the manic and the depressed states that I live in at any given moment. I almost feel obligated to apologize for it, but I won't -- this is who I am. I'd like to hope that someday I will find that middle ground, that place of peace and contentment that rests between two palm trees in a hammock on a beach. But just remember, if you come here and read some silly idiotic little post I've written, know I'm having a good day. And when there is a post which seems to be quite cryptic, say a little prayer for me, because I'm probably lost somewhere in my mind trying to find a way out.

my new theme song

2010-02-03T12:11:00.005-06:00

Steer
Missy Higgins

Feel it falling off like clothing
Taste it rolling on your tongue
See the lights above you glowing
Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

So hold this feeling like a new born
Of freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and rain

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been played at a game called remembering your name
And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

'Cos you've been listening for answers
But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer
Yeah get out of the box and step into the clear
'Cos now you finally know you can steer

the invitation

2010-01-30T08:30:00.002-06:00

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive . . .

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes,"

. . . It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

From The Invitation by Oriah

emergency supplies

2010-01-29T07:16:00.002-06:00

One of the guys at work was so concerned about me being alone during this winter storm, he made sure I had emergency supplies. Um . . . yeah . . . really concerned. :)

concentrate

2010-01-22T09:02:00.006-06:00

When I was a kid we would take long drives in the country or we'd pack up the Winnebago for a family vacation. Whichever it was (a Saturday on a tank of gas or a week driving cross-country) inevitably I would stare out the window and watch the pavement zoom past underneath us.

It became my own little silent game. I would concentrate on not allowing my eyes to focus on a specific spot. The asphalt and painted lines became a blur and raced beneath me in black velvet trimmed with yellow satin. It was a beautiful thing, but it would only last for a few seconds. My eyes would invariably catch a glimpse of something and I would lose my concentration and have to start over.

These days my whole life is a blur; I can't seem to focus on anything. Distracted? Probably. But not in a bad sense. Mostly the thing I need to concentrate on (homework and studying) isn't what I want to think about. I want to clear my mind of all the things I need to do and relax, enjoy, wonder, dream . . . but it only lasts a few moments; I lose my concentration and have to start over

happiness

2010-01-16T19:04:00.006-06:00

Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama:

Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others. But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness but they also lessen our experience of suffering. Here I am not suggesting that the individual whose actions are motivated by the wish to bring others' happiness necessarily meets with less misfortune than the one who does not. Sickness, old age, mishaps of one sort or another are the same for us all. But the sufferings which undermine our internal peace -- anxiety, doubt, disappointment -- these things are definitely less. In our concern for others, we worry less about ourselves. When we worry less about ourselves an experience of our own suffering is less intense.

What does this tell us? Firstly, because our every action has a universal dimension, a potential impact on others' happiness, ethics are necessary as a means to ensure that we do not harm others. Secondly, it tells us that genuine happiness consists in those spiritual qualities of love, compassion, patience, tolerance and forgiveness and so on. For it is these which provide both for our happiness and others' happiness.

[Ethics for a New Millennium, by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama]

it's not over

2010-01-15T18:07:00.001-06:00

breathe

2010-01-15T09:01:00.003-06:00

. . . 2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand . . .
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe.

Breathe (2 AM)
Anna Nalick

broken

2010-01-13T21:59:00.005-06:00

unusual gift-giving

2009-12-22T14:07:00.003-06:00

Cashier Jennifer: If one more person is rude to me, I think I might slap someone.

Me: Was she (pointing towards the woman who just left) rude to you?

Cashier Jennifer: Everyone's rude this year.

Me: I'm sorry.

Cahsier Jennifer: That's ok. I just needed to tell someone that and you looked like someone I could tell.

Me: Yes, that's fine. You can tell me that.

Cashier Jennifer: Thanks for coming in and have a Merry Christmas.

Me: You have a Merry Christmas and I hope you're day gets better.

Cashier Jennifer: It's better already. Thanks.

what i've learned so far

2009-12-16T18:57:00.008-06:00

I am worthy of being loved.

It's okay just to say "thank you" when someone gives me a compliment.

Saying "no" doesn't make me a bad person.

Happiness is a choice.

People don't do things because of me. They do things because of who they are.

If I expect people to be themselves, I won't be disappointed.

Honesty really is the best policy. But be prepared to face the consequences.

People only do what they really want.

If people control me, it's because I let them.

Reality is only what I know at the moment.

Someone who really listens has more control than someone who is always talking.

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

People don't lie to protect your feelings. They lie to protect themselves.

Forgiving is a lot better way to live than being angry all the time.

Bitterness is a form of cancer.

I don't always have to figure it out or fix it.

Sometimes it's best not to say anything.

Life is much easier when we don't do things for which we must apologize.

i believe

2009-12-12T07:48:00.010-06:00

Over the past few months I've thought a lot about my life, what I've learned, and where I'm headed. I've wanted to write about it, but for some reason I just couldn't find the words to express all I have been feeling. Then I found the following post on a friends' page (Thanks Betsy!).

I Believe...
That just because two people argue
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue
doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you
every once in a while and
you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe....
That it's taken me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had,
and what you've learned from them,
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe.....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything --
they just make the most of everything they have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you can't be content with what you have received,
be thankful for what you have escaped.
-- Author Unknown

cash for clunkers

2009-11-16T17:53:00.003-06:00

You've, no doubt, heard of the Cash for Clunkers program that was to encourage the economy by enticing consumers to trade in their gas-guzzlers for a new fuel-efficient vehicle. You may have even heard about trading in your old refrigerator. But there is a new twist on this concept that you've probably not heard of and probably would never even think about.

Last week on a local radio program there was a commercial for a new "Cash for Clunkers" program. It, surprisingly enough, was a commercial for the convenience store. That's right. They are offering a 25% discount on a new . . . um . . . appliance when you bring in your "old worn out one." Can I just say that is gross!!

First, why would anyone bring in their old . . . appliance?? Second, and more importantly, what in the world would the store do with them? Again, that's just gross!!

today in history

2009-10-28T07:56:00.003-05:00

Events

1886: Statue of Liberty dedicated by Pres Grover Cleveland, it is celebrated by 1st confetti (ticker tape) parade in NYC.

1929: Dow Jones plummets 38.33 pts (13%) to 260.64

1954: Nobel prize for literature awarded to Ernest Hemingway

1962: Khrushchev orders withdrawal of missiles from Cuba, ending crisis

1965: Gateway Arch (630' high) completed in St Louis, Missouri

1971: John & Yoko record "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" in NYC

1974: Luna 23 launched (landing on Moon)

Births

1914: Jonas Salk, NYC, medical reseacher (polio vaccine)

1925: Leonard Starr, comic strip cartoonist (Little Orphan Annie)

1936: Charlie Daniels, Wilmington NC, singer (Devil Went Down to Georgia)

1943: Randy Newman, rock vocalitst (Short People)

1962: A baby girl was born in a pink hospital

1967: Julia Roberts, actress

annual mammograms

2009-10-06T08:31:00.001-05:00

Mamm-o-grams!
Annual mammograms!
What kind of boobs like annual mammograms?
Big ones, little ones, ones that swing left and right.
Firm ones, floppy ones, even ones like mosquito bites
love mammograms!
Annual Mammograms --
The test could save your life!

This message is brought to you by October: Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

can we talk?

2009-09-17T12:52:00.003-05:00

Early on in our marriage (and for a long time into it), RL and I encountered some communication problems. (Naaaa . . . really?) Something would happen, I would get upset, I would try talk to RL, but for whatever reason we would end up intensely discussing our lack of communication. As a result of this, we never got to the actual problem and never resolved anything. Ok, we've resolved a lot of things since then, but at the time we never resolved anything. Anyway, my point is the problem-solving was shut down because we weren't addressing the real issues.

Today I keep hearing about how people are complaining about the Obama administration's policies because they are racists. His opponents apparently have no legitimate reason for disagreeing with him except that he is black. But what these accusations encourage is the wrong discussion. We're no longer debating but defending ourselves against being racists.

Sure, I think there is still a problem in the U.S. with racism -- but not a lot. In fact, there is so little racism in the U.S. that we were able to elect our very first black President. When are we going to have a post-racial America and start debating the issues?

i will never forget

2009-09-11T08:41:00.001-05:00

I pledge

ALLEGIANCE

to the FLAG

of the

UNITED STATES

AMERICA

and to the

REPUBLIC

for which it

STANDS

one

NATION

UNDER GOD

INDIVISIBLE

with

LIBERTY

and

JUSTICE

for

ALL

breathe

2009-09-02T15:26:00.009-05:00

A few weeks ago I was having coffee with a friend and she was telling me about how stressed she'd been lately, how it seemed every little thing was an annoyance. My advice: breathe. But a funny thing about advice: eventually, you've got to practice what you preach. The hard part is breathing.

From time to time -- ok, I'll be honest, it's more like day to day -- this stupid sadness comes over me. I know what it's about, I know why it's there, but there's just nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can distract myself with school and home projects and maybe -- maybe -- some housework. But the distractions aren't good enough. My mind wanders, my chest tightens, and I realize I need to breathe!

Writing this I hear the voices (not *those* voices) of my friends. My real friends, who would say, "Call me." I won't call, though -- and please don't call me. That sounds horrible, but I know myself well enough. I'm not in the mood to talk (Ha! I'm not in the mood to do anything) and really the only way through this is time. I hate time!! I'm too impatient. But by tomorrow it will be ok. Maybe. And RL will say, "I'll be home Thursday and we have a long weekend together. You'll be sick of me by Monday!" Well, I'd rather be sick of him than be missing him any day of the week.

You've got to see the whole video!

i have a stalker

2009-08-25T08:28:00.002-05:00

Today there are more and more creepy people with unhealthy fascinations with others. Usually we hear about celebrities who are stalked by fanatics. But, let me tell you, celebrities aren't the only victims.

Now first, I need to clarify that I'm not being stalked by a person who scares me. I'm merely being stalked by a person who is obsessed with when I get to work, what I'm doing, and when I leave. No, he's not my boss. Just a co-worker. No, what I do has no bearing on him whatsoever. So why is he so obsessed? Good question.

For the past couple of years this person has ranted on and on to other co-workers about my tardiness or if I leave early. No, he's never said anything to me, but why should he? He's not my boss. My boss knows when I'm going to be late and why. My boss knows if I have to leave early. My boss is the only person that needs to know.

The great thing about the guys I work with, though, is that they all know how absurd this man's obsessions are. He isn't doing or saying anything that hurts me, but rather it just makes him look like a fool to everyone else.

and the winner is . . .

2009-08-20T06:05:00.006-05:00

Silent Male answered all eight questions correctly in the "Could you be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader" quiz. Here are the answers:

1. Cowboys Stadium, Arlington, TX (against Philedelphia). Home Game.

2. San Antonio, TX (Alamodome)

3. Tom Laundry

4. A. 1960

5. 15

6. Roger Goodell

7. A - 10

8. Iran (also, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Jordan, Turkey)

And here's what he's won. . .
It would've been a lot more fun to put his face in there since he earned the title of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but he's one of those pesky anonymous bloggers with no picture. Congratulations, Silent Male, and thanks to you and Trueself for playing along.

school daze

2009-08-19T10:41:00.002-05:00

Life has been holding me hostage and I just have a minute to add some phyller before Life gets in the way again. So with the start of school, football season, and rah, rah, rah, here's a little something to keep you busy until I can completely break free.

Could you be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader? (I picture some of you in a DCC uniform and, to tell you the truth, it kind of freaks me out.) Below are some sample questions from the 2009 tryouts. First person to post all the correct answers will receive a special gift. Not the same special gift from the last trivia question (I got to keep that, because there were no winners), but an equally special gift. Now don't cheat, but please post your answers in the comments.

1. Where will the Cowboys play their final home game this season?

2. Where will the Cowboys hold their 2009 summer training camp?

3. Name the Cowboys legend who served as head coach for the team's first 29 years.

4. What year was the Cowboys' first season in the NFL?

(A) 1960
(B) 1962
(C) 1964
(D) 1965

5. How many stars are on the Cowboys Cheerleaders' uniform?

6. Who is commissioner of the National Football League?

7. How many yards are in an NFL end zone?

(A) 10
(B) 20
(C) 30
(D) 50

8. Name one country that borders Iraq.

BTW, life really has been hectic. Really. It took 5 weeks just for me to finish painting a small bathroom. But I will sneak in here tomorrow and post the answers. Promise.

now I remember . . .

2009-08-04T14:27:00.003-05:00

Ok, I didn't *just* remember, but I do finally have some time to talk about what I wanted to talk about last time when I kind of got sidetracked and went on and on about nothing. (Ha! That was a mouthful!!)

So, have you seen the latest kiddy movie "UP?" It is so fantastic and not at all just a kiddy movie and -- this is the best part -- there are no *politics* in the whole movie. Really. I'm not kidding. It was fantastic and, if you haven't already, you need to go see it.

Although, I will say that if you don't really care for good wholesome movies that have a moral to the story AND you are not particularly in the mood for having *anything* to do with loving relationships, then I would not recommend this movie. You would probably be better off going to see something with a lot of yelling and guns and blood.

Ok, now that I've got it set up for you, here's what I *really* wanted to talk about: We were sitting in the theartre (RL, my daughter, and I), watching this kid's movie on a Sunday afternoon, and there was a younger couple sitting in front of us. Not *very* young. Probably in their late twenties, early thirties. Within the first FIFTEEN minutes, these two were all over each other. At one point, the guy had his head in her lap and her skirt was pulled up!!

Now, I'm all for some hot steamy lovin, but c'mon! At the kids movie? In the middle of the theatre? At least go sit on the back row. At least pick a movie where there's not going to be kids *everywhere* around you. That's just too perverted!!

what's next

2009-07-15T16:54:00.001-05:00

Have you noticed that churches have started popping up in shopping centers all over the place? And, I have to admit, when I see one of those I think it's really strange and wonder what kind of people go to a church located in a shopping center. I wonder what kind of things these people believe. What kind of things do these people teach about God and the Bible?

And, just so you know, yes, I am one of "those" people. The church I attend is in a shopping center of sorts. Not on the front side where you can see it from the street. No, we're more descreet than that. We're around in the middle of the complex. Even better, there's not even a sign announcing we're a church.

But the weirdest thing yet is that last week we were discussing evolution. In church. And there were visitors there. OMG!! What will they think??

are you kidding me?

2009-06-30T12:59:00.002-05:00

After a couple of weeks of not blogging I start feeling guilty. I feel as though I've let my readers down (Speaking of readers, I was amazed over the past couple of weeks how many people I know who actually read my blog. That's so cool.) and I try to come up with something really good to blog about . . . Just a second . . . I forgot what I was going to write about. Crap! What was it? I just looked back up there to the title of this post and still can't remember what I was considering was such a great blog idea that I started typing and then distracted myself with my own ego.

Ok, well anyway, it's been a hectic couple of weeks: (1) Trying to plan a sort of family reunion. (2) RL's started working out of town four days a week and is only home for 3-day weekends, which he'll be spending on work around the house and yard and occasionally on the cars. (3) My mind seems to have come up missing. (That's kind of a stupid figure of speech, don't you think? "Come up missing." Wouldn't it make more sense to say "gone out missing?" When something "comes up" it's usually right there. How could it be missing?) So there's a lot that's been going on and I catch myself thinking about when things will quiet down and I can start classes again.

I think I really just might be going crazy.

BTW, this isn't really at all what I wanted to blog, but never could remember what it was. :-S

cha cha cha

2009-06-20T19:44:00.003-05:00

Today our Red Hats got together to learn some line dancing . . . I didn't learn much. :0)

state exam

2009-06-08T12:50:00.001-05:00

In April I took the Oklahoma Fundementals of Surveying Exam. Over the weekend I received the results. I failed. And that's all I have to say about that!

2009-05-30T18:28:00.016-05:00

RL and I went to Panama City Beach, FL last week. We had fun and it was relaxing, but it rained a lot and we didn't get to do everything we wanted. We didn't even make it into the water! Other than a little dip in the pool and some time in the hot tub. We walked along the beach a couple of times, but it was so cold and rainy most of the week we barely got our feet wet.

We haven't been there in about three years and we were amazed at how much it had grown. There were new hotels, new restaurants, new shops, new roads. And now it's even easier to get lost down there. All roads run into each other and eventually to the beach, but I kept getting confused. Every intersection looks the same: high rise hotel on one corner and an Alvin's Island Tropical Department Store on the other.

One day we ventured across the bay to the St. Andrews historic district. We even took a short walking tour of the area, which was interesting, but it would've probably been better if we had been with a group that was closer to our own age. As it was, I felt as though we were on an excursion from one of those Florida retirement villages.

Anyway, on our little 40 minute stroll we visited the St. Andrews Marina, the Oak by the Bay Park (home to the beautiful 250 year old Heritage Oak, which stands in the center of the park), historically restored banks, homes, and church of the orginal settlement. It was very interesting to me, at least, since I like the old architecture and history of people and places.

It wasn't one of the most exciting vacations we've had, but it was still a good and relaxing week together.

in the meantime

2009-05-28T10:19:00.002-05:00

When I get a chance, I'm going to have a post about my vacation with pictures and everything. Until then here are a couple of trivia questions. The first to give the correct answer to both questions in the comments will receive a special gift. Really. I'm not kidding.

68% of women do this in the bedroom. What is it?

13% of men do this within the first three months of marriage. What is it?

No cheating, please. :-D

mothers like you

2009-05-10T06:53:00.004-05:00

I've mentioned before that all my life I was told I looked like my Mom. And after Mom died I realized it was true -- I would even admit it. I've recently been told I am like my Mom, her actions and personality. But there have been other women in my life or women I've observed, who I would like to pattern myself after.

There's the young woman (probably in her twenties) who lives around the corner. She has three little boys. Sometimes when I drive past their house she'll be in the front yard playing catch when them. One time I drove by and they were planting flowers in the garden. It made me wish I had a second chance with my son; a do over of when I was a young single mom. But since that's impossible, I've just determined to be the best Mom I can be right now.

Then there's "The Lesser." That's what she calls herself, but she is so much more. She is the most beautiful person (inside and out) I have ever met in my life. She's the type of person that shows her inner beauty all the time. She is gentle and tender and loving and full of grace. She hugs with genuine feeling. I've watched "The Lesser" with others, how she gives each person undivided attention. How she always made me want to not be so self-absorbed and selfish and impatient.

There are many others, mothers like you, who I watch and I learn how to be a better Mom, a better woman, a better person. We're not all perfect, but there is always something we can learn from or teach one another. So, thank you. Thank you for being yourself and letting me see something I will strive to be along with myself.

Happy Mothers Day!

what we really want

2009-05-06T14:12:00.001-05:00

In "How To Stop the Pain: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional," James Richards explains control is never taken from us; we give it away. We give control to others in order to get what we really want. When I was in my twenties a co-worker and I were talking about people in general and why they do what they do. He made a statement that has stayed with me and I've found to be true to life. It was that people only do what they really want to do.

Now, at first, I thought this was a ridiculous thing to say and there must certainly be exceptions and circumstances that determine and even govern what people do. I mean, c'mon, we don't always get to do what we really want. Sometimes I really don't want to do the dishes. But hang in there and I'll try to explain.

When our kids were young and we were very (extremely) faithful about attending church, nearly every Sunday RL and I would argue about being late to church. I hate being late. He would get up late and I would try to hurry him along and we would argue and we would be late. I didn't want to be late and I didn't want to fight and I didn't want to be stressed out going to church. What I really wanted was for us to all go to church together.

I complained about this weekly fued to someone once and they said, "Leave without him. If you don't want to be late just go on without him." Well this isn't what I really wanted. I really wanted us to go to church together. If I left without him, sure, we wouldn't be late but we also wouldn't all be going together. But one day, I decided that what I really wanted was to not argue. And so I left without him. I can't begin to tell you how that changed my life, but it was incredible!

People only do what they really want to do.

So why do some people continue to do things that make their lives miserable? Because there is something that results in them getting what they want. I wanted us to go to church together, despite the turmoil it caused. I know people who say they really don't want to be in debt, but let their spouse nearly run them into financial ruin just so there's "peace" in the house. They will tell you they really want to save money and stick to a budget. But what they really want to do is "keep the peace" and that's why they're always in debt.

Remember those dishes I don't want to do? Well, I will do them, because what I really want is to have a clean kitchen. There are a lot of things we do that we think we don't want to do, but if we look at it a little differently we'll see we only do what we really want to.-- we just have to figure out what is we really want.

free time

2009-05-05T12:49:00.005-05:00

For the past four months my time has been consumed by studying. I would have mere moments of distractions (I exaggerate) to keep myself sane. But now? Now I'm having trouble deciding what I want to do with all this free time.

There's all kinds of housework to do, but I'm feeling a little lazy about that. Sort of the way it felt getting home from school and having my Mom rattle off a bunch of chores to finish befor dinner. (I don't really recall that ever happening, but you know what I mean.) And, hey, now I'm the Mom (with no kids at home), so I don't have to do it right now if I don't want to.

Last week I bought some plants and flowers for my garden. Gardening is something I'm really interested doing. Unfortunately, it's been raining so much I haven't been able to actually put them in the ground. They're just sitting out there in the pots, in the place where I want to plant them. So that's on hold until it dries out a little.

Then there's the books. I have started reading three, yes three, books. At the same time. Two are on faith or the search of it (Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott and In Search of God Knows What by Donald Miller) and The 5000 Year Leap: . . . by . . . . .The first two are easy reads and entertainng, with just a little extra for deep thought. The other is a little too much like a textbook and I've just about decided to read it at the end of the summer; just before I take American Federal Government in the fall.

But I am looking forward to our vacation in a couple of weeks. I started a crash diet and I'm exercising just short of killing myself to get in shape. Because, you know, that was put on hold for the last four months also. So now I'm trying to cram as much exercise as I can in the next eleven days. Crazy, I know.

a little late for spring cleaning

2009-05-02T12:03:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I've been able to actually get on the computer and see my own blog. I've been doing all my blogging over my phone and it just doesn't let me do or see everything I want. So I've done a little spring cleaning around here. Changed the background, cleaned up my blog list, and even changed the picture. (I love my dog, but I was ready to see something new on here.)

Here are the newest members of my blog list. Check 'em out!

Team Bogart

live. laugh. photograph.

Silly Ramblings of a Dreamy Schoolgirl

Haute Whimsy

Agora: The Market Place

Finding My Way

guard my mouth

2009-05-01T09:57:00.001-05:00

Tonight RL and I are going to a comedy club with some friends. I'm expecting it to be fun. I'm expecting we'll all have a good time. I'm expecting I won't have a chance to make a fool of myself or say or do something that I'll totally regret later.

Sometimes I lie in bed after being at some kind of gathering with friends or family or, worse, people I don't know very well at all and realize what a complete idiot I was. All the stupid things I said. All the times I tried too hard to be funny and fell on my face. All the times I interrupted someone and changed the subject and they had that look on their face that reflected how hurt they were, but they were better than me because they didn't need all the attention.

It's not quite as bad these days. I spent so many nights tossing and turning and torturing myself reliving nights as those that I determined not to be that way anymore. I was so determined I would rehearse not being that way in my head before going out. I would ask God not to let me make a fool of myself. I would remind myself when meeting a friend for lunch not to dominate the conversation. I've even been known to literally put my hand over my own mouth while speaking, because I knew something was about to fly out of it that shouldn't.

Sometimes it even works. Sometimes I get home and think, "That was fun. I had a good time." Then other times I lie in bed and something I said or did will pop into my head and I'll think, "What the crap?" Or I'll realize I said something to someone that could've been taken the wrong way and I'll pray they didn't. But I'll remember the look on their face when I said it and realize they probably did. And I'll hate myself and toss and turn and not be able sleep. If I do sleep, I'll wake up feeling pretty good about life and then remember what happened the night before and wish I could go back to sleep and forget.

But I'm excited about tonight and optimistic. We'll see........

*get a hanky

2009-04-30T11:11:00.002-05:00

There's this really miraculous thing that happened to me. Something that I really wanted to happen, but never thought it would and is just so marvelous that I'm not even sure I can verbalize it. But one day (I can't even say exactly when) my daughter and I became friends.

My Mom and I were never really friends. We were more like coworkers who merely tolerate each other. You know, the "I have to work with you, but I don't have to like you." We had our good moments and before she died we became closer. I was able to love her and feel compassion for her, forgive her and respect her. But, still, we weren't really friends.

Brandi is now twenty years old and no longer living at home. Now some might feel that's the reason for this miraculous friendship. But I disagree. Somehow we became friends before. Somehow the mother/daughter disagreements didn't destroy us. Somehow we were able to overcome bitterness and resentment.

This was most apparent to me the other night. I took her out to the big discount warehouse home improvement center to get some flowers to plant on her balcony. As we walked down the aisles of rows and rows of flowers, she took my hand. Suddenly, she was a little girl again, taking my hand as we crossed the street -- she trusts me. Suddenly, she was taking my hand as we faced a crisis together -- she needs me. Suddenly, she was taking my hand as we shared an inside joke -- she likes me. And I realized she is this wonderful, beautiful woman who is not only my daughter but also my friend.

I love you, Sweet Pea!

what's religion

2009-04-29T09:19:00.003-05:00

There's this little personal info thingy (yes, I think that is the technical name for it) on Facebook where you're supposed to enter what religion you associate yourself with . . . Or something like that. Mine? Next to "Religion" I typed "Christian." Not (finger quotes) Christian (finger quotes), but the "I believe Jesus is the Son of God, died for the price of my sins, was raised from the dead by the Holy Spirit, and now sits next to God in heaven and asks God to look after me 'cause I'm such a mess" kind of Christan. But I gotta tell ya, there are some really creative ways my friends have to describe Religion. Here are some of my favorites:

Amazing Grace

Post-Evangelical Catholic Christian

Reconciliation

They all look alike.

Episco-Buddhi-Palian

I believe in love.

Mere Christianity

What?

Jesus knows me, this I love.

Hay+Zeus (Spanish to English)

What's your "Religion?"

half more

2009-04-28T09:44:00.002-05:00

Today is April 28th. Each year on April 28th something extraordinary happens. April 28th is my half birthday. What? What's a half birthday? Oh come on, you know! Your Half Birthday. The day you turn whatever years old and a half.

Remember when you were a kid and you couldn't wait for your birthday, Remember how you would be so excited about getting to the next year you'd say, "I'm 4 and a half!" Or, "I'm 10 and a half." It gave us something to look forward to. It gave us something to feel proud about. And then when it was our real birthday, we felt as though we had really accomplished something.

I want to feel young. I want to have something to look forward to. So, today I'm celebrating my half birthday. I figure it's all about perspective. Why dread turning another year older? Why burden myself with feelings of doom and gloom when I can celebrate another year? And I'm half way there! WooHoo!!

Cheers!!

let the fun begin

2009-04-27T12:21:00.003-05:00

After four months of nearly non-stop studying, the exam is finally over. For the few of you who have recently joined in the fun, this past Saturday I participated with some 100 others in the State Fundementals of Surveying Exam. But now that it's over I really don't want to talk about it. I'll just tell you I took the exam and am hoping I passed.

Ok, so now what? Well now I am looking forward to getting back to blogging on a regular basis. I can't tell you how much I've missed it. I've got so much catching up to do. And apparently I also have some new readers (Hi Jessica!). So I'm hoping to have more to write about and more often than just once a week.

In a couple of weeks RL and I are going on vacation. I don't think I've ever been so ready to go on vacation. Sunny beaches here we come! And it'll be another one of those no-kids-just-us vacations. WooHoo!! But, sorry, there won't be any juicy write-ups on that. Just a lot of photos. Of beaches. Sorry.

For those of you who have hung in there with me and are still reading my stuff after four boring months, thanks. To those who have wandered over to my little cyber place, welcome! (It was nice meeting you the other day, Jessica.) And if you're one of my Facebook friends reading this, you should really follow the link over to my blog 'cause it's such a nicer looking place.

blogging, bitching, and more

2009-04-16T11:58:00.002-05:00

First let me apologize for the lack of substance on my blog lately. Most of you know I like to write, but it just hasn't been possible lately and I didn't want to completely abandon it all together. The good news is, after next weekend, studying will come to a hault until the Fall. Unless, of course, I take a summer course. Anyway....

A new friend (yes, aside from studying I've managed to make some new friends) sent me something that I just *had* to share with you all. I don't generally post emails people send me (did you read my apology up there?), but this was just too good. Ten years ago I wouldn't have understood the truth of it, but I've grown up a lot since then. Enjoy!

**************

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.

It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself

Beautiful
Intelligent
Talented
Charming
Hell of a Woman

Beautiful
Individual
That
Can
Handle anything

***************

When you put it that way, who wouldn't want to be called a bitch?!! LOL!!

conversations

2009-04-09T15:14:00.001-05:00

Here is a sample of the silliness that transpires while I'm at work:

Curtis: "Ron, we can adopt this road."

Me: "I don't think they'll let two men adopt a road."

Ron: "Two men can get married in four states, why wouldn't they let us adopt a road?!"

And that's just what I need after studying. Silliness. Lots of silliness.

the "new" kind of man

2009-04-06T12:01:00.002-05:00

From time to time I've shared some things with my loyal following (all 12 of you) from our current culture. (Follow the label below to read other posts on culture.) Recently I came across a term I hadn't heard before (but has been around for at least five years) and, of course, I had to research it.

The term? Retrosexual. Now, at first, I thought it had to do with old-fashioned (not to be confused with boring) sex between a man and a woman. Turns out it is a term that refers to one who is a "real man" and proud of it. From the information I could find, the following is the Retrosexual Manifesto by Grau Magus (who apparently had a blog at one time called "Frizzen Sparks," but I was unable to find it.).

A Retrosexual man:

- no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

- opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that only loosely fit that term, because they are biologically female.

- DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

- only eats red meat; he often kills it himself.

- doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still reading, learning, growing and can manage a drink now and again, I salute you. If you are still having sex with your wife, you are a legend.

- does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly two endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

- does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic or Abercrombie when he's 30 years old.

- should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

- watches no TV show with "Queer" or "Queen" in the title.

- does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

- should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

- is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT, and, when you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

- will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

- knows how to tie a Windsor or half Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor style knot.

- should have at least one good wound that he can brag about.

- knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a hole straight, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

- knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus, it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up."

- Crying: There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a good bird dog, loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck or Jeep.

- When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you low-life" look on his face.

- A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

- will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married, engaged or in a serious healthy relationship, e.g., hunting, fishing, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance, or occasional drink.

- knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

- can drive in snow (heck, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his vehicle in a snow bank.

- can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he darned well wanted it to land. Except on his truck --that would happen only because of a "force of nature," and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both.

- will give up his seat on a bus to not only any woman but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

- doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

- doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

four more weeks

2009-03-26T10:44:00.001-05:00

I think I'll be ready!

:o)

NOTE: 500 "Amazing Blogger" points awarded to the first person to give correct answer for x in the comments.

oklahoma's secret slaves

2009-03-19T11:09:00.002-05:00

It's been a month since I've had any time to write, let alone anything worth writing. But something has come to my attetion that I would like to share with you.

OATH -- Oklahomans Against Trafficking Humans

http://oathcoalition.org/

Please visit the website to learn more about the horrific crimes against children in our own state. Then pass the word to others.

never give up

2009-02-18T14:43:00.003-06:00

You know when you're in a marathon and you're running along thinking, "Wow! I just might actually finish this race!" And then all of a sudden, BAM! You "hit the wall." No? I haven't run a marathon, but I have hit the wall.

Last Thursday, while I was studying (like I do anything else -- sheesh!), I came across a problem that I could not figure out. It was so extremely frustrating, because I knew it was something I should already know. But I kept reading these same two paragraphs and I might as well have been reading Chinese; it made absolutely no sense!

To make matters worse, I started crying. Really. Big drops of tears were streaming down my face right onto the pages of the book I was trying to read. I began to frantically wipe my eyes, my face, my book all the while hoping the guys wouldn't notice. Yep. I was at work. I finally composed myself and was able to talk to the two guys on my crew about my frustrations and later I talked to RL and it was unanimous: I needed a break from studying.

For the next four days I didn't crack a book. Everytime I even thought about one of the problems or the exam I would quickly dismiss it and think about something else. I was determined to give myself a break and, dang it, I deserved it!

Yesterday I started back with a little reading and a little review. This morning I was back at it with enthusiasm. Then out of nowhere, BAM! Another wall. "CRAP!!! This is driving me crazy!" And I began to wonder if all this stress is even worth it. You know, I'm not going to get a pay raise or anything like that if I pass the exam. It's not really going to make any difference one way or another. I began to question why I was even putting myself through all of this -- aside from the non-refundable $125 examination fee.

Here's the deal: If I told you all I had decided not to take the exam it really wouldn't be that big of a deal to you, but it would be completely humiliating to me. But if I take the exam and fail, well at least I can say I tried. Because, let's face it, if I don't pass there is no way I'm going to put myself through all of this for another 6 months and take the exam over. I know myself too well. When it's over, it's over.

When you train for your first marathon they tell you not to worry about you time, just finish. So that's what I'm doing. At this point I'm not too concerned whether I pass or fail, I just want to make it to the finish line.

25 Things About Me

2009-02-02T13:24:00.002-06:00

Recently I was tagged, along with just about everyone I know, on FB to write 25 things about myself. Well, since this will simultaneously be posted on FB and Blogger, all you lucky people will get to read this. Sadly, though, most of you who have been reading my blog long have already read this list, because I cheated and stole the first 25 from my 100 Things About Me. Anyway, here it is:

1) Christian
2) Married
3) Two children
4) Love my job
5) Five brothers, no sisters
6) Graduated High School in 1980
7) Started college in 1996 (and hopefully will be graduating in 2011)
8) All time favorite movie: Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken
9) All time favorite book: Forever Amber
10) Favorite sport to watch: Basketball
11) Favorite sport to play: Volleyball
12) Favorite food: Seafood/Italian
13) Favorite color: Olive Green
14) Born blonde
15) Terrible memory (some things)
16) Took piano lessons for 5 years when I was a child, but can't read music very well
17) Took guitar lessons when I was 40 (much easier than piano)
18) Laugh loud
19) Have a crooked smile
20) Pulling weeds relaxes me
21) Saw the ocean for the first time in 2005 (the Gulf doesn't count)
22) I love blue sky
23) Very romantic
24) Nutty
25) Passionate

There are rules to this I'm supposed to post, but I'm not going to. And I'm supposed to tag 25 people to do this, but I'm not gonna do that either. This is just my lame attempt to post something.

Have a great week!

acceptance?

2009-01-26T12:53:00.001-06:00

Over the weekend I received the acceptance letter from the state board for admittance to the Fundamentals of Survey exam. Unfortunately, it was addressed to Mr. Phillis . . .

But you can call me Mr. Phil.

forget me not

2009-01-21T11:41:00.001-06:00

After a week of nothing but angles, tangents, and meandering I've come to realize there won't be time for much of anything else. Each day I've been spending from 8 to 10 hours (or more) studying! So the thought of blogging doesn't even have room in my brain. And, sadly, I haven't been keeping up with you all out there in the big blogger world either.

I just stopped in on my lunch break to say hi and let you know I was thinking about you.

Don't forget me. . .

this is a test; it is only a test

2009-01-13T09:32:00.003-06:00

A little over a year ago I wrote about possibly taking the Fundementals of Survey exam. I intended on taking it last Spring, but that didn't work out (I was 3 credit hours short of the requirement). So last month I sent in my application and now I'm waiting to find out if I've been accepted to sit for the exam in April. Tomorrow I start a course that will prepare me for the exam.

To say I'm a little stressed about the whole thing is putting it mildly. I try not to worry about it, but I know it's going to take a lot of work, a lot of studying, a lot of my brain. The studying I enjoy. (I know, I'm weird like that!) But the exam? Well, I have a tendency to freeze during tests and the fact that this will be an 8-hour exam scares the shtuffin' out of me!

So I will study. I will work hard. I will do my best. I will do all those things that you tell yourself you will do in order to pass a test. And then . . . and then my brain will explode! Won't that be pretty?!

let me go crazy on you

2009-01-09T09:55:00.003-06:00

I wrote a while back about taking vitamins to deter bouts of depression. But I have to confess, I haven't been very good about taking them for several months. It's not that I forgot, I just haven't been taking them. And since I'm not merely breathing these days, I just haven't felt the need. Top that with the fact that RL isn't working out of town any longer, my life and emotional state turned all butterflies and rainbows.

"Are you taking your crazy pills?" I reminded my dear husband they are *not* crazy pills; they're just vitamins. But he insists I don't act as crazy when I'm taking them. Actually, his exact word for it was "b!tchy." I'm more "agreeable" when I take my "crazy" pills. But it's kind of funny, don't you think, that my "craziness" is more noticeable when he's misbehaving? Not badly misbehaving, just being a little annoying.

The truth is, these past few months we've been slowly entering a new phase in our marriage. The long awaited Empty Nest. For most married couples I imagine this is a normal adjustment. But most married couples have, at some point previously, been married without kids at home. RL and I, on the otherhand, have never been married without children. Jeremy was seven when we got married and shortly thereafter (about seven months later) Brandi was born. There's never been "just us."

So he's always home (because he doesn't go out of town) and we're always home alone (because there are no kids). But sometimes I think we're getting on each other's nerves and driving each other crazy. The other day, after walking passed Brandi's empty room, I told RL I was feeling a little sad about it. "That's why you need to take your 'crazy' pills."

See what I mean? He's driving me crazy!!

hey look, i'm on tv!

2009-01-07T16:00:00.000-06:00

Have you seen the Progressive commercials with the quirky perky salesgirl? I love those commercials. But this latest one makes me laugh every time, mainly, because it reminds me of me.

Have you seen yourself on tv lately?

photo tag

2009-01-06T05:25:00.000-06:00

XI tagged me to play along and so I guess that means I'm IT. The idea is to post a specific, yet random photo -- specifically (yet, also, randomly...) the 4th photo from the 4th folder. Since I have folders within folders within folders of photos, it was a little difficult not to cheat just a bit. But I didn't and, though this isn't one of my favorite shots, it is one of my favorite subjects.

Brandi had been with a modeling agency for about a year and needed new composites to send out for potential jobs. It was going to cost $500 just for the photography, so I asked her agent if it would be ok if I did the photo session myself. Surprisingly she agreed and this is one of those photos.

I know Therese has already been tagged, but I'm tagging her again because she's been so busy lately, this will be an easy post for her to make. I'm also going to tag Jeff, because he's new to this blog thing (though he may not participate for a while since he's on his way to Russia). And lastly, I'll tag Kristi, because she is also new to blogging and I want to introduce her to all of you.

for brandi

2009-01-03T06:54:00.002-06:00

My baby girl has moved out into the wild world.

resolution

2008-12-31T10:31:00.003-06:00

resolution: noun; a measure of the sharpness of an image or of the fineness with which a device (as a video display, printer, or scanner) can produce or record such an image usually expressed as the total number or density of pixels in the image <a resolution of 1200 dots per inch>.

With today's technologically savvy society, there's probably few of you who don't know that photographs are, simply put, made up of a bunch of dots. You may have even experienced the dismay of opening a JPEG file and seeing some of the image has deteriorated, leaving small pin holes or odd coloring of the picture. I bring this up, because it's New Year's Eve and time for resolutions. I thought it might be interesting to consider them in a different way.

In the Big Picture we each are just one dot. But without our own unique pigments, ideas, personality, etc. the image is not complete.

Depending on the resolution, we could be a small dot or a big dot. We could represent a large portion of the image or a very tiny part. We each have a purpose.

The resolution determines how sharp or grainy the image. Is it a fine and crisp image or just a lot of noise?

What image do we represent? Is it a landscape or portrait? Is it realistic or abstract? Is it art or pornography?

When thinking about resolutions, there's a lot to consider.

more than breathing

2008-12-30T09:38:00.002-06:00

People would ask, "How are you?" For a long time my response was, "I'm still breathing," and that was on my best days. Things had gotten so bad that was the most positive and honest response I could give. I didn't want to complain, and though I knew (most of the time) people didn't really want to know how I was doing, I couldn't bring myself to lie and say, "I'm fine." Ok, sometimes I would say that, but I always felt bad about it afterwards. It made me feel fake. It made me feel trapped in the misery, as though by saying those words locked the door on my personal prison. To admit that all was not lost, that, at least, I was breathing, left the door open and gave me some hope.

A few weeks ago I realized things are pretty good nowadays. It's far from perfect, but I am not feeling that hopelessness, the feeling that this is all there is and there's nothing I can do about it. I realized I've been doing more than just breathing and that's a really good feeling! What's even better is that I even recognized it. I mean, there wasn't some monumental thing that happened to brighten my hopes; it was a slow process -- a painfully slow process.

Everyday I would get out of bed (that is a very important start--crucial) and decidedly put one foot in front of the other and tried, tried very, very hard to remain positive. I would breathe. Often. Things happened that were completely out of my control and I would breathe. Things would happen that hurt me more deeply than I thought I would ever be able to survive and I would breathe. Take another step. Breathe.

Finally, breathing is not so much an effort. Taking the next step is still a little difficult, but my new motto is "no excuses." I've started looking at the different areas within myself that I've needed to work on and started taking steps to improve them. No excuses.

Today I am more than breathing. I am living.

have a merry christmas!

2008-12-21T07:33:00.005-06:00

The little girl in me is always excited about Christmas. Not so much the "what will I get," but the "I can't wait to see their faces!" I like giving gifts. I like to see the surprise on each face when they tear back the wrapping paper. (Like the DVD I got for my daughter this year. I can't tell you what it is yet, because she might read this. But she is absolutely going to love it.) And it doesn't even have to be a gift from me! When I see that look on their face -- the look that says their heart has been touched and they feel loved -- that is what Christmas is all about.

Have a very Blessed Christmas!

unchurched, de-churched, churched

2008-12-13T07:32:00.004-06:00

Which are you?

friends (or a facebook commercial)

2008-12-11T10:05:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on Facebook (it was a really slow day at work) searching for friends: people I knew in school, people from church, maybe even a couple of old boyfriends (like you've never done that!). One person I found (not an old boyfriend. Apparently they aren't on FB.) I clicked on their friends list and was surprised to read they "have no friends."

Now I don't really think this person has no friends. They may not have been on FB long and just haven't added any friends. But, still, it made me sad. It made me feel as though this person had a very lonely life or maybe they're one of those whose work makes them too busy.

My friends list, on the other hand, is growing. In the past 3 or 4 weeks I've been on FB I've added almost 40 friends. Some blogger friends too (*waving hand* Hi blogger friends). Now I know some on FB have over 300 friends. Whatever! Do you think you're fooling anyone? Are they really you're friends? Or did you just accept their friend request because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings? Sure, I've got friends on my list who I haven't seen in over 20 years, but I would still consider them friends. And I don't accept just any friend request. I've ignored quite a few (sorry) who I had no clue who they were.

Accepting people as my friends is a very serious thing to me. (So serious I've devoted an entire blog post to it.) It's a really big deal to call someone my friend. Not because I'm a snob, but because I'm still kind of cautious who I let into my world -- even my virtual world.

There's quite a responsibility when you call someone your friend. Honestly, my timid insecure selfish self doesn't want that responsibility. My hermit self would rather just keep to herself and not ever go anywhere or talk to anyone. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to call a friend on the phone just to say hello. Can you imagine me having to keep up with 40 friends? It's exhausting just thinking about it!!

Luckily, FB makes that easy. It's one of the reasons I like it so much. The other reason is it helps me get out of the comfort of my hibernation. I feel as though I'm, in a very small way, part of these people's lives and can maintain a connection with them until I see them again.

The person who has no friends? I sent them a friend request.

I haven't heard back from them yet.

new ways to simplify

2008-12-08T11:18:00.002-06:00

Sometimes the old must be thrown out to make room for the new. Sometimes it's necessary to clear out the clutter in order to simplify life. Did you know the same is true for words in dictionaries?

say it with flair

2008-12-05T09:23:00.002-06:00

On Facebook there are these cute little flair buttons to collect and send to friends. Yesterday I came across this one.

Um, ok. I didn't know that Christians, by saying 'Merry Christmas,' were hording all the joy for themselves. Wow, no wonder people get angry when someone says 'Merry Christmas.' They hear, "I'm a Christan and I've come to steal your joy!" That's horrible. This is just more proof that the true message of peace on earth (everyone on earth), good will to men (and women -- everyone) has not been well presented or people wouldn't have such an incorrect view of Christians.

When people say 'Happy Holidays' I don't think they are trying to take something away from me. I think of it more as a question, as in, "I don't know what holiday in particular you're celebrating, so I'll just wish you 'Happy Holidays.'" At which I respond, "Merry Christmas!"

who i am -- really?

2008-12-04T09:31:00.002-06:00

I am the middle child, the third born, the only girl. But researching which of these pesonalities matches me, I found that being third fits best.

THIRD BORN
The second born picks on the third in the process of trying to pass on the feeling of inadequacy. Rather than feel inadequate, the third born feels vulnerable. He or she learns to think that anyone can get to him or her.

Characteristic Bad Feeling: Vulnerability
Strategies for survival: Being Strong, Attacking
Felt Loss: Protection
Sense of Justice: There is no justice, victims must be rescued
Thought Pattern: Comparison
T-shirt: "No problem, it doesn't bother me any"
Childhood Behavior: Rebellious
Emotional Expression:
Sympathy, Attack
Source of Anger: Putdowns
Nature of Humor: Putdowns
Means of Relating: Rescue
Spirituality: Devotional, Strength through prayer
Relational: Pleaser, Sensitive to others' wants/needs
The Child Within: Wounded
Type of Procrastination: Puts off tasks to pursue more interesting projects
Blind spot: Cooperation
Boundaries: None for self
A walk in the woods: Only goes in the woods to help others
Careers: Sales, Police Officer, Newspaper Reporter, Inventor, Poet, Animal Trainer, Child Care
Strengths: Compassion, Practicality, Creativity
Parenting: Protective, Nurturing
Marriage: Wants to please spouse and children
As Friend: Often has only one close friend.
Social Contributions: Inventions, Poetry, Inspiration
Expression of Love: Pleasing Others
Driving Style: Fearful or Fearless
Listening Style: Listens for what lies behind the words
Common Phrase: "No Problem"
Responds To: "Please"

What is your Birth Order?

tis the season

2008-12-03T10:18:00.002-06:00

You've probably heard about the crazies out there on Black Friday in New York and California. Well, just be aware they're still out there.While it's not anywhere near as tragic, last night I was waiting in the express check-out line at Walmart. I was second in line and there were about two people behind me. We each had one or two items.

This guy walks up to me and says, "Ma'am, can I cut in front of you? I've got a broken jaw (it appeared his jaw was clamped shut) and I need to get home to get my medication. I just want to get some cigarettes."

I'd already stood there longer than I wanted just to purchase a couple of cans of vegetables and I figured the guy couldn't be in too much pain or he would've gone straight home. So I told him no. He asked the lady behind me and she said no. Then he throws his hands up and says, "Well, F-you all!" And then he left.

Now, maybe I should've let him in line ahead of me. It wasn't really that big of a deal, and maybe any other time I would've. But last night I just didn't. You know, after his reaction I'm kind of glad. Guess I need to work a little on my Christmas spirit.

living in community

2008-12-02T08:24:00.002-06:00

"I didn't know what to think about the idea of living in community at first. I had lived on my own for about six years, and the idea of moving in with a bunch of slobs didn't appeal to me. Living in community sounded so, um, odd. Cults do that sort of thing, you know. First you live in community, and then you drink punch and die."
[excerpt from Blue Like Jazz, by Don Miller]

I've just recently considered the concept of living in community. You can live in a community and never live in community. I've realized this idea is probably something that would be best learned while growing up and, perhaps, there are people who have lived in community all their lives and don't know anything else. But this is very new to me.

In my mind, living in community is needing and doing thing for others. What I learned, by example, was that if I needed someone's help I was weak. If I needed someone's help I was a failure. So to be a strong successful person I had to be independent. I didn't need anyone. To some extent this was good. But it isolated me from people. I didn't feel strong and successful, so I would keep to myself. I didn't want people to think I wasn't capable of taking care of myself, so I'd never ask for help. This eventually led people to think of me as a snob. I just got the impression people didn't like me, because I wasn't whatever they were (pretty, smart, thin, married, etc.) so I isolated myself even more.

I'd say within the past 15 years I've been able to overcome most of those insecurities. But even so, really living in community is a concept that is difficult for my mind to grasp and my person to experience. I think I am still too wrapped up with myself to be free enough to really be there for others the way I think I should be. The way I think defines "living in community."

it happened sooner than expected

2008-12-01T10:08:00.003-06:00

My son was held back in the first grade. I didn't like it, but we (his teacher and I) decided it would be best if he "matured" a little before going on to second grade. Over the years I realized that when he was 16 most of those in his own class would be 14 and 15. It was then I made the decision that he would not be allowed to date until he was 17. I figured by then the girls he would be dating would at least be 16.

So when my daughter came along it was an automatic rule: no dating until 17. However, the reasoning was a little different. When she begged and pleaded with me to let so-and-so take her out on a date I would remind her that she had to be 17. I reasoned with her that I preferred she had at least a year's experience driving before she went out on a date alone with a guy.

Now my daughter is 19. The other day she was talking about how glad she was that she hadn't gone out with a bunch of different guys in high school and, though it had been really tough with all of her friends dating, she was glad I made her wait. She said, "You were right, Mom."

Wow! I was wasn't expecting that!

things about me -- #101

2008-11-26T06:49:00.010-06:00

All time favorite song:

Green Eyed Lady

by Sugarloaf

(Love the song, but the video is dumb.)

This post is brought to you by

Reluctant Sponsor Of

The RealBlogger House III

humor for the pain

2008-11-25T06:02:00.003-06:00

Note: I pulled this from the archives. Thanksgiving is a really difficult time for me and rather than post a completely new rendition of the same old thing, I decided to cheat. And just so you know, I'm taking this book with me to work so I can have a few laughs before the big day.

Have you ever been told some news that was so shocking, it felt as though someone knocked you upside the head with a skillet? That's how my life has been for several years now. Seems like every time I turn around there's another person standing in front of me with a skillet in their hands. It's enough to make a person hide under the bed and never answer the door.

The news -- your son is gay, your mom has cancer, your child tried to kill themself, and "Mom, I'm dropping out of school," -- is devasting and inconceivable. Daily life became surreal as I would make the bed, feed the dog, buy the groceries. My body was on autopilot. The scars can't be seen by others, but the ringing in my ears gets so loud others must be able to hear it!

But in the midst of it all there are small blessings of laughter. My dear friend gave me a book titled I'm So Glad You Told Me What I Didn't Wanna Hear, by Barbara Johnson. It is full of little morsels that melt the lump in my throat. I read it a couple of years ago and, now that my son has moved back home (Edit: He moved out almost two years ago and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I call him once a week and leave a message on his voice mail just to tell him I love him.), I am reading it again.

Here are some of my favorites:

~I need some of my problems to help take my mind off some of the others.

~Blessed are they who clip coupons, for they shall be redeemed.

~Sometimes my mind is so uncomfortable, I wish I could go somewhere and take it off.

~It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

~We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.

~Remember, every cloud has a silver lining . . . and sometimes a bolt of lightning.

~Time wounds all heels.

~The more you complain, the longer God lets you live

~One way to handle stress: Lie on your back to eat celery, using your navel as a salt dipper.

~Just when I nearly had the answer, I forgot the question.

~If you have the same problems I have . . . please seek help immediately!

~Most people have minds like concrete: mixed up or permanently set.

~Break out dancing every now and then . . . it'll help pass the time until they come to take you away.

~Do NOT come in out of the rain.

Hope these have brought a little laughter to your day.

speaking of convenience stores

2008-11-22T06:40:00.008-06:00

I would say I spend more time than the average person at convenience stores over the course of a day. (No, not that kind of convenience store! What kind of girl do you think I am? Never mind that . . . So to make sure there's no confusion, the store hereafter will be referred to as QT) And, let me tell you, there are some really interesting, strange, and dumb things that go on there. (I guess I should explain, to those of you who may not know, my work takes me outside. So I go to QT for coffee in the morning, potty breaks, lunch, potty breaks, etc.) Anyway, I've spent so much time at QT and seen and experienced so many things there, I've decided to share a few of them with you. Aren't you excited?

First and foremost, because I want you to know not all things that happen at QT are bad. No, actually, I met RL at the QT. Really? Really! Back in the days when he was a fresh college graduate, still looking for the right job, he worked at QT. One day I walked through the door and into his life forever.

But back to the strange . . .

At QT there's just about anything you could want for your morning drive into work. Breakfast burritos, egg & sausage buiscuts, and, of course, COFFEE. One morning, as I was standing in line to pay (there's always a line, because everyone and their dog goes to QT in the mornings), I was patiently waiting my turn when I noticed an older woman scanning the breakfast choices offered. She made up her mind, picked up her selection, and quickly slipped it into her coat pocket. As a nice cover to the petty theft, she stood in line to pay for her chocolate milk.

Then there are the people who rarely, if ever, actually enter the QT, because they are standing out front (usually near the pay phone) trying to run a scam. One, I watched from my own front row seat in the work truck, involved two young "stranded" females. They walked up to the pay phone, one picked up the receiver, and proceeded to act as though she was having a conversation. The other one scanned the parking lot for a victim. A woman walked passed them and they completely ignored her. Next a young man came walking towards them and the one woman elbowed the other on the phone. She immediately went into full damsel in distress mode. The other woman stopped the man and explained they had run out of gas and didn't have any money and could he just give them a couple of dollars. He did, walked away, and the two women had a good laugh behind his back as they spied their next victim.

Not all things that happen at QT are criminal. Some things are just a little weird. Like someone who randomly walks up to people and asks them if they can take a picture of their tatoo to show their daughter. Or people who actually let some stranger take a picture of their tatoo. The really weird thing was when the girl was asked if a picture could be taken of her tattoo she said, "The one on my neck?" Well, um, yeah. Cause that's the only one I can see and cause I'm not gonna ask you to drop your drawers so I can get a pic of the rose tatooed on your butt. Weirdo!!

what would you do?

2008-11-21T09:14:00.002-06:00

This is a true story.

A young woman was working alone at a small town convenience store. A man came in with a broken arm and both hands bandaged and headed to the restroom. After a few munutes, the woman heard, "Ma'am? Ma'am?" She walked back to the restroom, knocked on the door, and asked the man if he was ok.

"Yes, but -- this is very embarrassing -- I can't get my pants up."

The woman wasn't sure if he was some kind of pervert, but, at the same time, felt a little sorry for him. "Well, what do you want ME to do?"

"Could you help me?"

The woman looked back at the front of the store, wondering what to do and worrying if a customer would come in and see her in the restroom if she dared to help the man.

She slowly opened the door and peeked in. The man was standing there, underwear up (thank God!), with his pants down around his ankles. "Could you help me?" He pleaded.

The woman stepped over to him, pulled up his pants, fastened them and his belt. And he was on his way.

Did she do the right thing? What would you have done?

the virus is in the mail

2008-11-20T09:49:00.005-06:00

The other day I received an email, presumably from UPS, notifying me that the package I had sent on October 19 was undeliverable. The email gave instructions to download the attached invoice and bring it to UPS and pick up the package or I would be charged $6.

The problem was I hadn't sent a package, though I was expecting to receive one. I checked the order I had made and discovered my package was being shipped via USPS not UPS. Next I searched on email hoaxes and discovered I had, in fact, received an email hoax with a virus attached.

With the holidays nearly in full swing and people sending packages probably more than any other time of the year, I wanted to share this with you. NEVER downlaod attachments to an email unless you are sure you know the sender.

who am i?

2008-11-19T11:21:00.002-06:00

That's been the question floating around in my brain for a couple of weeks now. This would be a seemingly easy question to answer, except that none of the answers I would naturally come up with really define who I am. And they didn't satisfy the person who asked me this question (Jeff).

The answer couldn't really come from me. I can't really answer the question, "Who am I," because I get all messed up with the stuff I think about myself, the stuff that I hate about myself, the stuff I hide about myself.

So I had to go to the only place I know that gives me the answers I need. God's Word. Because, let's face it, what do I care what anyone else thinks about me, even myself?! Who does God say I am? That's a lot more interesting question. And this is what He said:

I am His child.
I am created in His image.
I am His workmanship.
I am His beloved.
I am redeemed.
I am reconciled.
I am a new creation.
I am chosen.
I am sanctified.
I am free.
I am forgiven.
I am justified.
I am gifted.
I am here for a purpose.

And that's just off the top of my head, so I am sure there's more that He says about who I am. The difficult thing is keeping these things in the front of my mind all the time. And then the next question is how would I live my life if these were the things I thought about myself all the time?

1, 2, 3 . . .

2008-11-18T08:44:00.005-06:00

While I work on a more meaningful post, here is something to think about:

It would take 32,000 years to count to one trillion.

I didn't believe it when I heard it, but, using simple math, it actually works out.

Edit: I can't believe I didn't mention, in this completely random post, that this week I am blogging from the RealBlogger House (second year in a row, thank you very much). Tune in for this season's exciting adventure in a tropical paradise.

in no particular order

2008-11-13T14:34:00.004-06:00

Since I can't seem to pin down one thought long enough to shape it into its own post, I'll just share some things that have been on my mind the past few days.

My daughter (19) has been out of work for about 6 months. It's driving me crazy, because she's just shy of becoming a homeless person. She technically still lives at home, but she's rarely there and seems to have absolutely no ambition to make a living and move out on her own.

My son (27) hasn't spoken to me and I haven't seen him in about a year and a half. It's paticularly difficult this time of year. There's lots more I feel/could say about this subject, but there's just too much. Maybe I should start an entirely new blog just about that.

My dog has chronic bronchitis and is going through a change in medication. I think the new medication is making her depressed. It is really sad. She's just a pitiful whiny mess.

The future of this country scares the shiitake out me.

Should I be worried that I have no desire to listen to music of any kind these days?

I don't think sex three times a week is unreasonable.

My house will be clean before the family comes over for Thanksgiving. My house will be clean before . . . .

I don't think sex four times a week is unreasonable.

I hate the class I'm taking this semester. Engineering Computer Programming has ruined more 4.0 GPA.

What's really an unreasonable number of times to have sex in one week?

little pixels of happiness

2008-11-09T07:21:00.007-06:00

Cocotte (pronounced coquette as in: a woman who endeavors without sincere affection to gain the attention and admiration of men. I don't know if that describes her. Actually, she doesn't seem like that type of girl) over at Suburban Musings, was kind enough to honor me with two wonderful awards. (And sorry again, Cocotte, for not picking them up sooner.)

So in order for me to fulfill the requirements for receiving the Hooked on Your Blog award, I must list six things that make me happy right now, which should be fairly simple, 'cause I'm easy to please this early in the morning. (Stop it! I didn't mean it like that!!)

I woke up this morning. (Beats the alternative.)
Snuggling with my husband.
Down comforters
Hot coffee
Silence
My dog didn't pee on the floor in the middle of the night.

The Kreativ Blogger award is very humbling. Yeah, I know, it's just a bunch of colorful pixels that were copied and pasted in, but it means a lot to me. I'm not usually very good and receiving compliments, but when they come in such pretty packaging, who am I to refuse such a gift?!

I'm not too sure about the rules on passing on these awards, so I'm going to split them up. First, the Hooked on Your Blog award goes to Fade to Numb, because, well I'm hooked on his blog. Duh!! And the Kreativ Blogger award goes to the KOG, who, let's face it, makes the blog world go round with all her creative wordy girl ways.

change . . . of heart

2008-11-05T12:47:00.000-06:00

This morning, driving into work, I heard an interview on the radio with a woman who is 109 years old. She is the daughter of a former slave. She talked about how her father, in the 1960's, saved his money so he would have enough money to pay the poll tax in order for him to vote. She talked about how proud she was to have voted for the first black man to become President. It brought tears to my eyes and truly gave me a new way of seeing what an amazing thing that has happened. I may not agree with his policies or ideas, but I can definitely respect him for this historic accomplishment.

i approve this message

2008-11-04T06:12:00.003-06:00

First pray and then

Then pray! And keep praying!!

Update: There's been a lot of reports of strange happenings at voting places around the country. Did you have anything interesting happen when you went to vote?

happy halloween

2008-10-31T10:53:00.001-05:00

I talked one of the guys at work into dressing up with me for Halloween. We went around to all the offices in our building passing out candy. Yeah, I know, we're supposed to get candy, but this was a lot more fun. We couldn't get our crew chief to join us, so Bat Girl & Robin had to go without Batman.

birthday presents

2008-10-28T09:10:00.008-05:00

You know how the saying goes: "It's more blessed to give than to receive." So I started my birthday right by giving myself a 4-day weekend. My birthday is actually today, so it was a weekend full of fun leading up to the big celebration. Not that I'm really having a BIG celebration, as in party or anything. But I am celebrating big in my heart.

Anyway, what did I do these four glorious days? Well, I mentioned in the previous post that Saturday I spent the day with my daughter at the zoo, which was a lot of fun and, yes, I took tons of pictures (I was nice and only gave you a sampling of the 300 I actually took). RL had left Saturday morning to go hunting and wouldn't be home until Sunday night, so I took advantage of an empty house and cleaned my little heart out. No, I didn't clean my heart -- I cleaned the house!! That might sound like a strange way to celebrate, but believe me, it was a gift for my soul.

Yesterday I continued the giving and went shopping. Now some of you may think that is a typical thing for a woman to do and you would probably be right, except I'm not your typical woman. If you'll notice, #38 of the 100 Things About Me states plainly: I hate shopping. To make it more enjoyable I planned the day, made a list, and headed to the big discount members only warehouse store. (Yeah, well, there's a whole lot more there than bulk quantities of Charmin.)

Ok, I did stop off at the mall first. But that was because I needed to take my wedding rings in for repair and some other jewelry to be checked and cleaned. I hadn't planned on roaming down to the shoe store that just happened to be having a "buy one pair and get the second at half price" sale. So, of course, I had to buy two pairs of shoes. I needed some comfy casual shoes. Really. And it seemed a shame to pass up another pair of shoes at half price!

And I couldn't help that, on my way back to the jewelry store, I had to pass the cellular phone kiosk. But since I did I thought I would see if they had a case for my phone. I didn't know I was eligible for a new phone! Hey, it's my birthday weekend -- what a cool gift!! (Actually, it turned out that I wasn't really eligible for the upgrade until the 29th. So thank you, Sam, Paris, and Jeremy for making it happen.)

So after two hours I finally made it back to the jewelry store, picked up my fully inspected, bright sparkly clean jewelry and headed to . . . oh wait! You should have seen them. Simple, shiny, 14K white gold hoop earrings just screaming, "Happy Birthday!"

When I finally made it to the big discount members only warehouse to purchase miscellaneous and much needed items, I discovered there were only two remaining black leather jackets in my size. I couldn't risk waiting for RL to buy me one for Christmas. They'd BOTH be gone. I did what any rational giving person would do. I gave myself one!

This morning RL wished me a very, VERY happy birthday and later asked me if I wanted my gift now or if I wanted to wait until tonight at dinner (at a very special seafood restaurant). Of course I want it now! So this is what my loving husband gave me. It's our children's birthstone and I absolutely love it!

And just when I thought I had received all the gifts any girl could ever imagine, I walked my husband to the door, kissed him goodbye as he was leaving for work, closed the door, walked back into the living room, and to my great surprise discovered my dog had left me a present as well! YIPEE! More cleaning. Happy Birthday to Me!!

zoo friends

2008-10-26T09:54:00.004-05:00

Click on image for large view

My daughter and I were able to spend most of yesterday at the zoo -- sort of an (early) birthday gift for me to spend much of the day with her. We had a great time!

kiss me, i'm german

2008-10-22T09:32:00.005-05:00

Even though I missed out on the Great Midwest Blogger Gathering of 2008 at an Irish pub and Guitar Hero playoff (which I wouldn't have been any good at anyway), I did have a great time with RL at the 30th Annual Oktoberfest.

It was actually one of the best times we've had there and not because of the beer. Because, though I'm German, I can't stand beer. That's ok, though, because I was the designated driver and got free Pepsi.

Anyway, we ventured into one tent that wasn't playing German music. (Yeah, I know, no beer and no German music. What kind of German am I?? We did get to do the chicken dance a few times -- ok, I did. RL isn't much into chicken dancing). There was a jazz band playing and then later Brandon Giles and the Tricky Two (think Jerry Lee Lewis). This Brandon guy was crazy! And, oh man, could he play the piano!!

So, even though the blogger world missed out on my karaoke performance (count yourself lucky) it was a great weekend of music and dancing!

blue like jazz

2008-10-16T09:40:00.005-05:00

Maybe you've noticed the Library Thing over there in the margin. Well, there's one book I've read recently that I would like to recommend (particularly to FTN & Desmond): Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. The title sums it up nicely.

Talk about church and religion around the neighborhood (sorry, I'm not going to include any links) has been so very, um, heavy that I thought maybe we should lighten up a bit. Blue Like Jazz is a wonderfully refreshing compilation of essays of one man's spiritual journey. Here's a little excerpt:

There is something quite beautiful about the Grand Canyon. There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. They hang there, like stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz. And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty.

What I liked most about this book is that it made me think about my own relationship with God without making my brain hurt. It revealed things that I need to work on in my own life without making me feel unworthy of love. It reminded me that Jesus is a personal friend of mine.

Let me know if you read it.

top ten

2008-10-15T08:17:00.003-05:00

Have you ever taken the time to post a comment on someone's blog, only to come back later and find your comment has been deleted? I've recently pondered this very thing and came up with these top 10 reasons why your comment might be deleted.

10. It's obvious you just want someone to visit your blog.

9. You're such a potty mouth.

8. Your profile image is dumb.

7. Your comment was completely irrelevant to the discussion.

6. Nice try, but I can still tell it's spam.

5. Your same comment appeared more than once (ya big dummy!)

4. Your comment had so many typos it appeared to be a foreign language.

3. Your comment was too long. Get your own blog.

2. Your comment was sexual in content, but you didn't include any contact information.

1. You're an idiot and no one wants to hear what you have to say anyway.

what's your real age?

2008-10-14T10:16:00.002-05:00

In a couple of weeks I'll be 46 years old. Really? Yep, 46!! But how old am I really? I mean, I don't feel old. Surely not almost 50! So you'd think there would be a way of figuring out you're real age. Some kind of formula: behavior - emotions / appearance = real age.

Turns out there's a website that can help you find your real age. No surprise the name is RealAge.com. But they use a little different formula. It takes a little while to get through all the questions, but once I did I received my real age. Are ready for this? I'm actually 45.8 years old. Really? Well, no, because when asked about my weekly exercise, I answered closer to my intentions than the number of days I actually do work out. *sigh*

So how old are you, really?

an american carol

2008-10-08T12:30:00.005-05:00

RL, myself, and our daughter went to see "An American Carol" last weekend. (I guess this is movie review week.) It was funny. Not as funny as it could've been, but it had some very funny parts. I was really hoping it would've been better.

There are two, ok, three reasons it fell short. First, there were a couple of parts that were pretty serious; too serious for a movie co-starring Leslie Neilson. Second, because of the serious parts the movie was kind of choppy--there wasn't a good flow. And third, if there are people who aren't up on both sides of politics (like my daughter) most of the comedy is going to go right over their heads. Brandi actually fell asleep!

This is one of those films, as RS mentioned, that you want to do well at the box office, because there really needs to be more of the other side (as opposed to the "left" side) portrayed in movies. Sadly, though there were many well known actors in this movie, it could've been so much better.

signs of the times

2008-10-04T12:40:00.005-05:00

You would think it would go without saying, but apparently they must post signs letting you know that guns are not allowed at the neighborhood recreational center.

Now I don't know about you, but I don't think lacrosse is a sport that I would want to participate in while naked. Synchronized swimming, maybe, but not lacrosse.

debatable

2008-10-02T15:06:00.004-05:00

Now, I don't think I've ever mentioned anything on this blog concerning politics, but I just have to say I'm looking forward to tonight's debate between Biden and Palin. It is interesting to me that the V.P. debate is going to be more of a deciding factor in this year's election than even the Presidential debates. Exciting times!

UPDATE: Did you watch the debate? What did you think? Their debating styles were so different, I can't say either one of them was clearly a winner, but I do feel they both did better than I expected.

fireworks & leon

2008-09-28T11:47:00.005-05:00

Here are a few pics from the

Leon Russell concert we went to last weekend.

one lucky guy

2008-09-26T15:15:00.003-05:00

I haven't really posted anything about our trip to Hawaii. Really, it was a great vacation, but what can I tell ya? We enjoyed the beach, the sun, the great weather, romantic evenings, and no kids!! It was paradise. But there is one part that really stands out.

The whole vacation was a result of a timeshare we purchased a few years ago. So, because this was at a different resort, we were supposed to check in with the sales office to tour the resort and get some free stuff and/or discounts on restaurants and such.

We had been on the beach all morning, stopped by the bar on the way to the sales office, and had, of course, a Mai-Tai. Have I ever mentioned that I really don't drink and have a very low tolerance to alcohol? Well, I don't and I do. By the time we made it to the sales office I was feeling really good. My nose starts to feel numb and I get this warm fuzzy feeling all over.

Anyway, we start talking to the salesman and I'm sitting there trying to be all attentive and business-like. But this guy is a salesman! Talks 90 miles a second and I'm starting to feel a little dizzy. So to pay closer attention, I start poppin off comments just as fast as they pop into my head. I don't remember a lot of what I said, but he was in stitches.

After RL explained I had a Mai-Tai, the salesman says, "One Mai-Tai?? You're one lucky man!"